Reframing Shame Spirals to Empower Yourself
In helping clients and students with changework, I’ve noticed that shame often weasels its way into the change process. It often shows up, disguised as a motivator...which can only be effective in the very short term. Shame is too disempowering to be used as an enduring tool for positive change.
That goes for yourself and for those trying to shame others (maybe you) into change. In the long-run, it’s a losing battle.
Momentum is going to happen whether we like it or not. Momentum tends to spiral into either a positive or a negative direction. And, believe me, shame is not going to propel you in a positive direction in a sustainable way.
Why not? Because shame diminishes our self-worth. It causes us to experience a sense of deep powerlessness. It leads to demotivation...the ultimate stuckness. And can eventually lead to a downward spiral.
So let’s ditch the shame “motivator” that will only derail our attempts of positive change and replace it with momentum in a positive direction. Think of it as an upwards empowering spiral.
- Separate what you do from who you are. You are so much more than your behavior, which is mostly based on conditioning given to you by someone else. You have the power to change your ideas, your beliefs, your behavior. So don’t let yourself or anyone else define you by your current or past behavior.
- Recognize what triggers your shame. When you can recognize triggers, you’ll have a greater ability to avoid triggers and to recognize the trigger in the moment. When you can be aware in the moment, you’ll have access to more options.
- Reframe negative self-talk. Negative self-talk quickly leads to shame spirals. When you’re aware of being harsh with or unkind to yourself, ask, “Would I speak to a loved one like this?” If the answer is no, then ask, “If I knew they were not in a good place, what would I say instead?” And remind yourself of those things.
- Focus on making progress. Instead of looking at how far you have to go, focus on how far you’ve come!
- Pause to celebrate wins. Set small, achievable goals, and then celebrate their completion. Make celebrating part of the journey.
When your momentum is headed in a positive direction, it will support and help sustain your changework. As a bonus, positive change doesn’t stop with you. It will positively affect those around you too.
Thanks for listening!
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Links from today’s episode:
- Episode 16 -- The Ten-Step Problem-Solving Formula
- Episode 3 -- Rewriting Automatic Negative Beliefs
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