BROADCASTS.com

Published: Oct. 8, 2019, 10 p.m.

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Here are six of the best contemporary Tesla \\u2018own goals\\u2019:

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ONE

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Currently trending on Google: the term \\u2018Tesla Summon fail\\u2019.

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Unfortunately, the internet is filling up with inconvenient videos following Smart Summon going horribly awry. Just search \\u2018Tesla Summon fail\\u2019 on YouTube and be amazed.

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Teslas running themselves into the garage, Teslas smacking themselves into some other car, or just acting flat-out retarded because the system cannot cope with the complexities of reality.

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To Electric Jesus I would pray: \\u2018Lord, how about you stop beta-testing dogshit tech that\\u2019s little more than a nice idea, on the public?\\u2019

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TWO

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Model X\\u2019s power front doors feel resistance upon opening, perhaps when frozen solid by ice, a black obelisk pops out to break the ice and free the door, and then retracts in two or three seconds.

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Unfortunately there\\u2019s a hole in the Icebreaker big enough for a five-year-old girl\\u2019s finger.

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Her name is Milana Izzetov. She did what kids do, inquisitively enough, and the Icebreaker turned into a finger breaker and little girl trap. It took an emergency crew two excruciating hours to free Milana Izzetov from the Tesla Icebreaker.

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THREE

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Remember when EJ called Vernon Unsworth a pedophile? Unsworth is the Thai cave rescue hero and a Member of the British Empire.

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EJ offered Unsworth his hastily constructed, dodgy minisub, which Unsworth dismissed as (quote) \\u201ca publicity stunt\\u201d.

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Billionaires hate being dismissed, so EJ called Unsworth a (quote) \\u201cpedo guy\\u201d on Twitter, and Buzzfeed says he also called Unsworth a (quote) \\u201cchild rapist\\u201d.

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Buzzfeed says, earlier this month, that instead of \\u2018EJ Billionaire\\u2019 just paying the guy off quietly, and shutting this down with an NDA (ie, the smart move) it emerges that EJ (and/or EJ\\u2019s team) hired a private detective and paid him a lazy $50,000 to dig into Unsworth\\u2026

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...presumably to uncover any hidden \\u2018pedo\\u2019 gems which might be buried there, in the past.

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The glace cherry on the icing on the \\u201cpedo guy\\u201d cake of private investigation is he's actually a convicted criminal who stole about half a million US dollars from the company he co-founded. He was convicted and served 18 months of a three-year sentence.

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FOUR

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Investment luminary Ben McGarry of Totus Capital makes a compelling argument based on data that Tesla stock fits into the category he describes as (quote) \\u201cfads, frauds and failures\\u201d. Poor governance is one of McGarry\\u2019s red flags.

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\\u201cIn 2018, Tesla's board of directors was the second highest-paid board in the USA. Elon's brother Kimball, a chef, was paid $6.8 million to sit on the board last year.\\u201d - Ben McGarry, Totus Capital

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It just made me wonder: Can you see how Kimbal Musk might possibly add US$6.8 million worth of value to Tesla?

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FIVE:

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A 57-year-old paid-up member of Electric Scientology recently crashed his Tesla in Austria.

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It caught fire, because lithium-ion batteries are quite enthusiastic at that.

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The road was closed, but to make the vehicle safe for transport, they had to bring in a special container. And, by \\u2018special container\\u2019 I really mean \\u2018ersatz portable swimming pool\\u2019.

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A 24-cubic metre steel box 6.8 by 2.4 by 1.5, designed to hold a burning EV sitting in 11 tonnes of water (11,000 litres).

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SIX Semi? What Semi?

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And finally, the Semi. The mighty Semi. It\\u2019s still not here. Supposed to be here right now. Walmart and Pepsi have slapped down big orders\\u2026 and the Church of Electric Scientology is now saying \\u2026 your flight to heavy hauling EV heaven has been delayed \\u2026 by about a year.

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