BROADCASTS.com

Published: Dec. 22, 2022, 4:03 p.m.

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once more, we return to the world of zombies....

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Editing and Sound:\\xa0\\xa0 Julie Hoverson

[warning - foul language]

*******************************************************************

Tammuz Corporation has barely settled back in as top producer of undead workforce, when something much worse comes out of R&D.
\\xa0

Cast List
Fred - Leonard Streeper
June - Melissa Bartell
Dill - Mark Olson
Chambers - Dave Marshall
Dr. Plasmus - Kim Poole
Landon Frost - Chris Barnes
Pamela Frost - Julie Hoverson
Doctor - James Sedgwick
Nurse - Rachel Cavic
Interviewer - Russell Gold

Music by Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com
Cover art by Julie Hoverson

INTERLUDES:
Cricket - Reynaud LeBoeuf, Julie Hoverson, M. Siero Garcia, Katy Fontenot
Courtroom - Carl Cubbedge, Tanja Milojevic
Champion Chum - Katy Fontenot, Rachel Cavic, Reynaud LeBoeuf
Save the Zombies - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard
New Year\'s Head Swaps - Justin Charles, Crystal Dennis
Life Insurance - Joe Stofko
Big Bob\'s - Richard Summers
Lecturer - Robert Cudmore
Classroom - Janny Hilverts, Katy Fontenot, Sirena Carroll, Mike Campbell, James Sedgwick, Julie Hoverson
Zombie Show - Gareth Bowley
Survivalists - Dave Fontenot, Matthew McLean
"Working Stiff" - Chris Stockett
Edna\'s Chum - M. Siero Garcia
Scam - Rick Lewis
Zombie Lib - Derek Koch
Old Zombie Spice - Morgan Brown

"What kind of a place is it?
Why it\'s a secret lab, deep in the Tammuz Corporation, can\'t you tell?"

***************************************************************************************

\\xa0

Project Top Hat

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

Landon Frost, TV show host

Pamela Frost, his wife

Fred and June

Doctor Plasmus, top researcher

Chambers - executive

Dill - less important executive

OLIVIA \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0Did you have any trouble finding it?\\xa0 What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?\\xa0 Why, it\'s a Top Secret Lab, on the human side of the wall, in the world of zombies, can\'t you tell?\\xa0

MUSIC

SOUND \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0computer and lab noises

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [on TV] I\'m Landon Frost, and tonight on "the Z\\xa0word," we\'ll take a behind the scenes look at how zombies are used in the manufacture of your dog\'s kibble.\\xa0

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 How can they feed zombies to dogs?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Ambulates make the food - prepare it.\\xa0 It\'s illegal to terminate them without "just cause."

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 As opposed to "just cuz"?\\xa0 [laughs]

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Hah.\\xa0 That\'s what "the Z word" is about - exposing the ways zombies are exploited.

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [TV] You\'ll be watching this series throughout the holidays, and I\'ll be tucked up at home with my family.\\xa0

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 He\'s always busy.\\xa0 Hardly ever gets to see them.

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh, boo-hoo.\\xa0 This Frost guy gets to fly all over the world, cussing on TV, and making zillions of dollars, and he wants sympathy?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Don\'t forget taking his shirt off...\\xa0 [chuckle]\\xa0 But he\'s also a romantic - always talking about how he misses his wife Pamela.

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 So?\\xa0 He could retire.

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Helping improve "life" for ambulates is like a crusade for him.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 DOOR OPENS, CUTTING HER OFF

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [muttered exclamation] Oh shit!

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 CHAIR SQUEAK, SCRAMBLE

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [TV] I\'ll be meeting my wife in secret at\\u2011\\u2011

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 SWITCH, TV OFF

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [coming in talking]\\xa0 We should be able to improve the bottom line.

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 AND not expose Tammuz to any more... liability.\\xa0 We are just starting to get back to where we were before Mrs. Skray\'s...

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Unfortunate accident?

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [grim] Breakdown.

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Ah.

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I need your personal guarantee this won\'t come back to bite us in the butt.

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 If it does, my butt will have your back.

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What?

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 uh... nothing.\\xa0 Dr. Plasmus is expecting us.

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Plasmus?\\xa0 What kind of a name is that?

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Dunno.\\xa0 I only know results, and the good doctor facilitated the "crickets". \\xa0Look what they\'ve done to help us get back in good odor over the last 18 months.

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [favorably impressed] MMmm.

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 And now - [announcing] Project Top Hat!

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 DOOR OPENS

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 MUSIC SCENE CHANGE

TV DUDE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [ON TV]\\xa0 Do you ever have behavior problems with your ambulates?

ZOMBIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Grr.

OLD LADY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [pleased] Cricket!

TV DUDE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Do they sometimes seem to have a mind of their own?

ZOMBIE2\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [weird noise]

MAN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [smug] Cricket.

TV DUDE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Would you ever have them in the house without it?

WOMAN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Around my kids?\\xa0 Forget it!

KIDS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Just CRICKET!

TV DUDE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Yes, Cricket, the "behavioral reminder" Implant that reminds zombies to toe the line.\\xa0

TV DUDE \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0[quiet, rushed] \\xa0Results may vary.\\xa0 Some side effects may occur.\\xa0 No guarantee of bodily safety is implied or express in the sale of this product.\\xa0 Not available in all areas.\\xa0 [up]\\xa0 Get Cricket today!\\xa0 Brought to you by your friends at Tammuz Corporation.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 MUSIC

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 WALKING, DOOR SWOOSHES OPEN

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 ZAPS and SQUISHY NOISES

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You\'re early.

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Uh, no.\\xa0 It\'s - um - six?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 It is?\\xa0 Hmm.\\xa0 Well, just let me finish this, and--

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 BIG ZAP

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What are you working on?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Shh!

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [hushed] Sorry, the doc doesn\\u2019t multitask.\\xa0

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What?

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 ONE FINAL ZAP

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Done.\\xa0 He means I do not work and talk.\\xa0 When you have worked directly in as many brains as I have, you begin to value each function for its own worth, and not merely as a gestalt whole.

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Uh, right.\\xa0 So are you ready to gestalted [get started] now?

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Gestalt isn\'t--

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I KNOW.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 It was a bit of a joke?\\xa0 [small dry chuckle] \\xa0Am I right?

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Yeah.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I thought as much. \\xa0I fear that the humor seat of my own brain has probably been left a wee bit underdeveloped.\\xa0 Oh well.\\xa0 Could be MUCH worse.\\xa0 I could have an atrophied hippocampus!\\xa0 [laughs riotously]

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Uh, yeah.\\xa0 [toady laugh]

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 That would be unfortunate, indeed.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [stops laughing suddenly]\\xa0 But you are not here for pleasantries.\\xa0 You are here to see what I have wrought!

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Aha!\\xa0 So that\'s the smell in here.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What?

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Rot?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [laughs]

MUSIC \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0SCENE CHANGE to TV

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What the fuck do you think you\'re doing?\\xa0 You can\'t have rats in any ambulate work area, you moronic lavat\'ry brush!\\xa0 They may not decay, but can still be damaged - do you want to be the one providing your workforce with replacement parts every time rats gnaw a bit off?\\xa0 Or perhaps rats are the only protein going in to your fucking kibble?\\xa0

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 MUSIC

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 So now the doctor will demonstrate--? [hint]

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Have you forgotten the name again?

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [uncomfortable] No.\\xa0 no, I just was giving you a chance to - you know - take the glory.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You should have warned me.\\xa0 [sigh]\\xa0 It is project top hat for a very simple reason--

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 METAL CLANK

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 It looks like a top hat.\\xa0 Original.\\xa0

DILL \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0And what does it do...?\\xa0 [hinting]

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Stop doing that.\\xa0

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Sorry.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [launching into lecture mode] The ambulate workforce is sturdy, capable - albeit slow - and cheap, since all they require is chum, unlike human workers who not only need food, shelter, sleep, etc., but also WANT things.

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [muttered] Zombies want things too.\\xa0 That\'s part of the problem.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Shush.\\xa0 It is this volition which is the only real drawback to the use of ambulates for many sorts of work - and which gives rise to the various debates over ambulate sentience, and to use an inexact phrase - over their "personhood".

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 None of this is news.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I am setting it up.\\xa0 So if there was a way to mix the useful qualities of the ambulate with the mindless diligence of, say, a computer, wouldn\\u2019t that improve their value?

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [interested] Yessss....

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Of course.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 So this mechanism will do that - replacing the corpse\'s brain with a limited function computer, only able to obey commands.

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You specify "Corpse"?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [pleased] Ah, you caught that.\\xa0 [chuckles] Much like the pre-edict abortion debates, this idealization of ambulates leads to the nasty question of when, precisely, one goes from human, to dead human, to ambulate.\\xa0

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You\'ve seen the courtroom reality shows.

MUSIC

COURT REPORT\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 We\'ll catch the plaintiff as she leaves.\\xa0 Missus Feinman,\\xa0 Missus Feinman?\\xa0 How do you feel about the jury\'s ruling?

MISSUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Act of god, my eye!\\xa0 My husband had a very clear "do not reanimate" clause in his will - but that doctor failed to catch him at the exact moment to remove the head and prevent reanimation, and now he\'s stuck.\\xa0

MISTER\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [zombie moan]

MISSUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I can\'t even have him decently put down, what with the iffy legal status of zombies.\\xa0 [sniffles]

COURT REPORT\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [bland] You have our sympathy, I\'m sure.\\xa0 In just a moment, we\'ll speak to the doctor and his attorney.

MUSIC

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 So we must catch them in that window - that tiny "between states" period when we can still legally treat them as objects.\\xa0

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 And--?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Remove the head.\\xa0 Once the head is gone, the body may yet convert, but does not move, as it has little sensory input to motivate it.

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You remove the head?\\xa0 [Slowly gets it] And then you do - oh - ohhhh.\\xa0 The Top Hat.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I see you are a quick thinker, Mr. Senior executive.\\xa0 Yes.\\xa0 The unit replaces the so-called "mind", by which we truly mean the physical brain, giving the animated carcass sensory input, all the while leaving complete control with the human controller.\\xa0

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Can the body re-animate, without the head?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Do you know how the ambi-twist works?

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 The what?

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [muttered] The T virus.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 No, no!\\xa0 That is a trademarked name and cannot be used without possible reprisal!\\xa0

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Sorry! \\xa0That\'s what most people [call it].

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I don\'t want to hear it!\\xa0 Besides, the ambi-twist does not make ravenous beasts.\\xa0 Animates are gentle.\\xa0 Like kittens.

MUSIC

COMMERCIAL

AMB\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 GROCERY SHOPPING

SUSY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Gee, mommy, Rolf pushes the cart real well, don\'t he?

MOMMY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 That reminds me!\\xa0 We need to pick up some chum!

ROLF\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [eager zombie noise]

SUSY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 He knows THAT word!

ANNOUNCER\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Of course he does, but can he tell the difference between Champion Chum and the bargain brand?

MOMMY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Is there a difference?

ANNOUNCER\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Just ask Rolf!

ROLF\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [sticky zombie eating noises]

SUSY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [laughing] Oh Rolf!

ANNOUNCER\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Every zombie, every day, chooses Champion brand chum!

MUSIC

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 They\'re tame enough with the cricket.\\xa0 If they were naturally docile, we wouldn\'t need it.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 And with the top hat, there will be no need for the cricket.\\xa0 Let me show you.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 CAGE OPENS

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [horrified reaction] Oh!

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 ugh [bland]

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 This stray dog was humanely euthanized, and the top hat was immediately attached--

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 COMPUTERIZED BARK

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 We had to use a fairly large dog, so the top hat unit wouldn\'t overbalance it.\\xa0 It was designed for a human frame--

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 COMMOTION OUTSIDE

PLASMUS\\xa0 \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0What is this?

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 DOOR SLAMS OPEN

JACKIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 All of you!\\xa0 Over by the wall!\\xa0 [to june and fred] Get in there!

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Right, of course.

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Excuse me.\\xa0 Just - um - going through.

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Who the devil are you?

JACKIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I\'m the one with the gun!\\xa0 And I said over by the wall!

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 She means it.\\xa0 Move it!\\xa0 Move it move it move it....

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 But the dog--

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 COMPUTERIZED BARK

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 GUN SHOT INTO CEILING

JACKIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 And don\'t get any funny ideas.\\xa0 I\'m not alone.

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [reasonable and placating]\\xa0 Tell us what you want.

JACKIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [almost a yell] I want you all over by that wall!

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 COMPUTERIZED BARK

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Already here!

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Me too!

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Allow me to-- [take the dog]

JACKIE \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0Leave that poor thing!

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 COMPUTERIZED BARK

JACKIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 That is exactly the kind of horrid monster we\'re here to put an end to.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Ah.\\xa0 Activists.\\xa0 [chuckling]

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Don\'t mock the woman with the gun!

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh.\\xa0 Of course.

JACKIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 And what\'s behind here?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 No! Don\'t!\\xa0 It\'s not ready yet!

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What IS it?

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 CURTAIN OPENS

JACKIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Mother of god!

MUSIC\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 SCENE CHANGE, AND then WUSSY

POPSTAR\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I know all of you have heard and most of you have enjoyed my hit single "walking away with my heart" about the plight of the ambulate.\\xa0

ZOMBIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [pathetic moan]

POPSTAR\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Too many of these poor once-human creatures are abused, neglected, and sometimes even abandoned to fend for themselves - forced to sell their bodies, bit by horrible bit, for the chum they need to survive.\\xa0 Can\\u2019t you spare just a little - the price of a cup of coffee - to help?

MUSIC

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Just tell us your demands, and let\'s get on with this.

JACKIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [horrified]\\xa0 What have you done to this man?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 It is not a man.\\xa0 It is a corpse.

JACKIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 It\'s moving.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 There\'s no one there.\\xa0 As you can see, the computer has taken the place of its entire head, thus removing all chance of--

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [hissed, annoyed] You didn\'t say you\'d already done this to a human - [correcting himself] a human corpse, that is.

PLASMUS \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0I simply hadn\'t got to that part of the presentation, yet.

JACKIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [distracted and horrified] But why?

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Hi-YAH!

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 THUMP, SCUFFLE

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Wow.\\xa0

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 GUN GOES OFF

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Stay back!

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [indecisive but encouraging] Get her, Fred!

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 SCUFFLE ENDS

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Got her.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Can I have her as a specimen?

JACKIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You can\'t do that to me!

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0 \\xa0\\xa0Of course we could.\\xa0 We simply record that you died in an attack on our security, and your corpse will be ...recycled.

JACKIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 NO!

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 That\'s a bit much, isn\'t it?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [quiet] Drat.\\xa0 [up] Heh-heh.\\xa0 Of course.\\xa0 Just a bit of - intimidation.\\xa0 Hah.\\xa0 Hah.

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Right.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What this young lady doesn\'t seem to understand is that there are many people who don\'t wish to return as a shambling, slow, and stupid ambulate.\\xa0 Many would rather know that their mind - their "soul" - had been allowed to pass on.

JACKIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 How the hell do you think you\'re doing that?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Cutting off the head.\\xa0 The body is still useful - as you can see.\\xa0 It can be of service to the living.

JACKIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 The soul isn\\u2019t in the brain.\\xa0 The soul is - the soul.\\xa0 It will stay around no matter what.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [derisive laugh]

MUSIC

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 PARTY!

BRANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 And we\'re here on the dead side with the new years crowd!\\xa0 They start a week early, since they know it\'ll take \'em that long to arrive!\\xa0 Whoo!\\xa0

ARIA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 And the hottest thing this year is head swaps!\\xa0

BRANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [prompting, not really questioning] Head swaps, Aria?

ARIA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 That\'s right, Brandon!\\xa0 You know how zombies can cut off and attach body parts?\\xa0 They recently discovered that they can swap heads!\\xa0 They say it\'s totally the ultimate!

BRANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Unless they sew it on backwards!\\xa0 Man, that would be a pain in the ass!

ARIA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Yeah, but at least you could see your ass!

BOTH\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [LAUGH]

MUSIC

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Where\'s security when you need them?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I just called them, sir.\\xa0 Apparently, they\'ve had a number of ...insurrections.

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Must be how she slipped by.\\xa0

JACKIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You won\'t get anything from me!

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I suppose you two will have to take her to the security office for detention.

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Gotcha.

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh, me?\\xa0 Oh all right.

SOUND \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0SHE CROSSES

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What was it she was looking at, anyway?\\xa0 [horrified gasp!]

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What\'s wrong?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [too quick, very nervous] Nothing!\\xa0 I just thought it - he - it - moved.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Nonsense.\\xa0 I haven\'t even woken the unit yet.\\xa0 Get along.

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [still nervous] Yes, yes of course!\\xa0 Come on!

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What\'s wrong?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [growl] Post traumatic stress!\\xa0 Get moving!

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 THEY LEAVE

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Some people simply cannot handle pressure.\\xa0 Come have a look at my human automaton.

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [slightly suspicious] He looks ... fresh.\\xa0

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Nice physique!

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You didn\'t - uh - kill him, did you, doc?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [laughs flatly] No.\\xa0 He was killed in a car wreck, this afternoon.\\xa0 His legs sustained some damage, but mostly superficial, and his head was completely severed.\\xa0

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 How did you get him so quickly?\\xa0 The notice to the family won\'t even go through--

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [pissed]\\xa0 I could not wait for petty family concerns when this perfect specimen fell into my very lap!\\xa0 And he is perfect!\\xa0

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Ew.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 So I snatched him out of the hospital upstairs.\\xa0 Besides.\\xa0 He is an organ donor.\\xa0

MUSIC

INSURANCE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Do you wonder about your insurance coverage?\\xa0 Concerned that you may some day cease to be human, and therefore void your policy?\\xa0 We here at Practical Undead National Trust can fix that for you.\\xa0 For only a few dollars a day, you, too, can have coverage that extends beyond the expiration of the body.

MUSIC

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 HALLWAY, DOOR SHUTS, FOOTSTEPS

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Whew.\\xa0 Should we go back, do you think?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [still bothered] I - I don\'t know.

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 OK, what\'s going on?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh, Fred!\\xa0 This is horrible!

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 It was just a gun.\\xa0 I don\'t think she would have shot either of us anyway.

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Not that.

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 \\xa0Then what?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 That body back in the lab?\\xa0 That perfectly sculpted torso?\\xa0 Did you see that tattoo on the shoulder?

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Not my type.\\xa0 Sorry.

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [very important and horrible] THAT was\\u2011\\u2011 [cut off with a gasp]

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 DOOR OPENS

MUSIC

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [outside, loud over background noise] You would think this was a prime place for ambulates - garbage reclamation.\\xa0

SOUND \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0CRUNCHING EQUIPMENT

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 They don\'t mind bad smells, can\'t catch diseases -- and yet, most of the workers hired on at this particular municipal tip don\'t stay.\\xa0 Let\'s find out why.

MUSIC

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [gritted teeth] What do we do if there\'s a lawsuit?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [shrug] If they push it, there is an incinerator in the basement, and as long as we first remove the computer unit, the organic evidence could be reduced to ashes in a matter of hours.

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [annoyed, but not knowing] Do you even know who this person - corpse - is?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [shrug]\\xa0 I read the driver\'s license.\\xa0 Why?

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [confident] We\'ll fabricate records.\\xa0 Show it was cremated by mistake.\\xa0 Apologize.\\xa0 Give the widow some ashes and a check.

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Sounds like you\'ve done this before.

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [smug] Things... happen.\\xa0

MUSIC

BOB\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Come on down to Big Bob\'s bob-o-rama for the finest in pre-owed ambulates!\\xa0 We have \'em all from this big brute for heavy lifting--

ZOMBIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [deep moan]

BOB\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 To this hot little number, [hinting] nice for in-house work.

GIRL ZOMBIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [sexy moan?]

BOB\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Come on down this weekend, and my own gramma, an ambulate herself, will be here with her special milk and cookies!\\xa0 Trade-ins are always given full greybook value.

MUSIC

NURSE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I\'m so sorry.\\xa0 There\'s been a little mixup.\\xa0 He\'s... um... missing.

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [low snarl] As god is my witness, if my husband\'s body turns up somewhere - anywhere - on a celebrity zombie show, I will personally sue you, the hospital, Tammuz, and anyone else our lawyers can think of!

NURSE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 But I--

DOCTOR\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What seems to be the problem?

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Are you the person I should be screaming at?

DOCTOR\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Well, I don\'t know about that--

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Then you best point me at the right one, since some screaming is well overdue.

DOCTOR\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Just tell me - calmly - what this is about.

NURSE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 It\'s her husband.

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 My husband\'s BODY, you mean!\\xa0 [starting to move from anger into tears] I was informed of his accident, that he was declared [suppressed sob] dead at the scene, and when I come to claim him... [deep breath, furious snarl]\\xa0 He\'s missing.

NURSE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I\'m sure it\'s just a paperwork snafu.

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 AND I know how some of you bastards are about selling celebrity corpses!\\xa0 Don\'t think you can pull that crap on me!

DOCTOR\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Celebrity?\\xa0 What was -uh, is - your husband\'s name?

MUSIC

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 ZOMBIE MOAN

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 This fucking pisses me off no end - look at that poor bastard.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 ZOMBIE MOAN

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Look at this hand.\\xa0 Three fingers gone, from a bloody hazardous environment.\\xa0 [up]\\xa0 They may not be human any more, but you sons-of-bitches still have to look after these beggars!

MUSIC

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Landon Frost!

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I swear it was!\\xa0 It\'s the snowflake on his shoulder.\\xa0 He got it for his wife!

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh. \\xa0That can\'t be good.\\xa0 Should we ... tell them?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Well...he IS dead. \\xa0Nothing\'ll change that.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 DOOR OPENS, MANY FEET COME STORMING IN

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I already have Landon\'s private security at all your exits, and will personally go through each and every room until I find him - so you might as well hand him over.

DOCTOR\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 But, but..

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 First, you are taking Big bill, here, and I down to your bloody incinerator -and don\'t try to tell me you don\'t have one.

DOCTOR\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Why?

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 So no one has access to destroy the [falters] the ...evidence.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 DOOR OPENS, THEY PASS OUT AGAIN

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Is that--?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [fatalistic] Oh boy!

MUSIC

LECTURER\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 We must stop treating ambulates as objects and start treating them as people - people very nearly like you and me.\\xa0 With a bit of practice, anyone can speak clearly and slowly enough for a zombie to pick up on it.\\xa0

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 ZOMBIE MOAN

LECTURER\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 If we could only follow the moans and groans of a group of zombies, I\'m sure complete and fascinating conversations are going on, right under our disinterested human noses.

MUSIC

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [on phone] \\xa0So soon?\\xa0 Well, I guess we move on to plan B. [pause] She is? [upset] oh.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 PHONE DOWN

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What is it?

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I - they--

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Quiet, please!\\xa0 Time to turn it on!

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 This may actually be a very bad... thing

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 A COUPLE OF ZAPS

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 RUSTLE

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Is that it?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Do you need me to shout "it\'s alive"?

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [computer noise, not quite speech]

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Ohhhh boy.

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Does that thing make it able to talk?

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [machine, more gobbledygook]

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Ambulates have always been able to talk.\\xa0 They simply operate on a much slower scale than we do.\\xa0 It is something about the brain synapses, the ambi-twist simply cannot get them back to normal speed.

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [prompt] They\'re how much slower than humans?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I said not to do that.

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I was just asking,.\\xa0 Really.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 They operate somewhere between 20 and 50% slower than humans.\\xa0 That is why they have to be spoken to slowly.

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [machine] Fuck you!

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [chuckles] Or not.

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [gasp] Is it supposed to do that?

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I thought you said that removing the head should negate the personality.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I\'m sure it is just something programmed in.\\xa0 My computer expert has quite a sense of humor.

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [machine]\\xa0 What the hell is going on?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [worried now] Or... not.

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 This was supposed to make it docile!\\xa0

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 At least the thing is tied down.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 RIP OF RESTRAINTS

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [frightened] Or... not!

MUSIC

TEACHER\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Turn to page 40.\\xa0 The chapter on the ambi-twist.\\xa0 Amy, will you start?

[grade school students, who read more or less well]

AMY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 The ambi-twist was a genetic modification first pioneered by Tammuz Corporation.

BOBBY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 With the best of intentions, this benevolent corporation was trying to help people.

CORA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 To overcome the issues with tissue rejection and make transplants one hundred percent successful.

DESMOND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 But the ambi-twist went a bit awry.

[after a pause]

ELLIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [whispered] You have to read more.

DESMOND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 nuh-uh.\\xa0 Not my fault it\'s a short sentence.

ELLIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Fine!\\xa0 [ahem]\\xa0 The ambi-twist altered the genetic makeup of the intended cells, yes, but it did not stop there, instead running amok through the entire body and giving the cells a life of their own.

FRANK\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Most of the population now carries the ambi-twist virus, which has little to no effect on them ... during their lifetime.

DESMOND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [spooky noise] ooo-OO-oo

EVERYONE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [joking zombie groans]

MUSIC

NOTE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 LANDON IS COMPUTERIZED FROM HERE ON OUT

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Why so gob-smacked?\\xa0 Where the fuck am I?

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 THUMP GETTING OUT OF BED, FOOTSTEPS

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 This is very bad.\\xa0

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 It\'s coming over.\\xa0 Let me guess, it can see and hear through the computer unit too?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [wry]\\xa0 Of course.\\xa0 What use is a unit that bumps into walls and can\'t follow orders?

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Is anyone planning to answer me?

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Look, you.\\xa0 You\'ve died and are now property.\\xa0 Just lay back and shut up.

DILL \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0Oh boy.

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 No, you look here, you lump of festering dog turd!\\xa0 If I were dead, and I don\'t believe it for a minute - I have very specific contingencies in my will.\\xa0

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [chuckles] Speaking of contingencies--

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 SHOTGUN RACKING

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I would call this experiment a conditional success.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 SHOTGUN BLAST

MUSIC

HUSHED MC\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 And the ambulate "Gracie\'s darling" is now approaching the steps.\\xa0 This is a level three hazard, since it typically takes an ambulate several tries.\\xa0 Oh!\\xa0 She\'s on the first step!\\xa0 Very nicely corrected a stumble and managed to stick the second step.\\xa0 Ah, but she\'s faltering -- Momentum can only carry one SO far, and this is where balance truly comes into play.\\xa0 [gareth bowley]

MUSIC

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 DOOR SLAMS SHUT

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Holy cow!

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [gleeful] Did you see how fast it was?

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You mean when it walked off with your shotgun?\\xa0 I thought we were done for!

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Looked like it nearly took your hand off, too.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [dismissive] It\'s broken,\\xa0 It\'s fine.\\xa0 [up] We must follow it!

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Get security on all the doors!

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 On it.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Try not to hurt it!

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Belay that order.\\xa0 Take that thing down at all costs.\\xa0 And definitely before it leaves the building!

MUSIC

SURVIVALIST1\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I don\'t care how many times they take this feed down and report me - I ain\'t gonna stand by and let them goddamn walking dead take over.\\xa0 Since every one of us as dies turns into one of them, ain\'t no way we can keep ahead unless we thin the herd a bit.\\xa0

SURVIVALIST2\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Hell yeah.\\xa0 Now on the chart behind me, you see a human--

SURVIVALIST1\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 or zombie--

SURVIVALIST2\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 right, "or zombie," body with various areas marked in red.\\xa0 Those are your standard\\xa0 targets, right there.\\xa0 The head is, of course, the primary, since the bastards won\'t stop walking without that being gone.

SURVIVALIST1\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Even that don\'t put \'em down right away, but if you can get it GONE--

SURVIVALIST2\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Sure is funny to watch them bump into walls, in\'t it?

BOTH\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [laugh]

MUSIC

AMB\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 HALLWAY

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 ALARMS, RUNNING FEET IN DISTANCE

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Why do I suddenly feel like a job change?

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I\'ll help with the resume.\\xa0 Let\'s scat.\\xa0

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 RUNNING FEET APPROACH

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh shit! [dragging him out of the way] Over here!

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Run, you little buggers!\\xa0 I\'ll blow your fucking pop stand wide open!\\xa0

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Holy crap!

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Ssh!\\xa0 Maybe it won\'t notice us!

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What are you looking at?

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Too late!

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Please don\'t hurt us!

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Hurt?\\xa0 HURT?\\xa0 I\'m going to ruin you snotty little gits!

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Ruin, I can live with.

SECURITY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Stop right there!

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 ASSORTED ZOMBIE MOANS

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Sock troops!

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [machine] Is this some kind of a sick joke?\\xa0 Turning THEM against ME?

SECURITY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Lay down the weapon and come along quietly, Top Hat.

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Top hat?\\xa0 What is he, a Batman villain?

MUSIC

MOVIE ANNOUNCER\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 He was a normal boring man.

NORMAL MAN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Hey honey - be late tonight.

MOVIE ANNOUNCER\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 With a normal boring Life.

NORMAL MAN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Yes, sir, I can get that done for you this afternoon.

MOVIE ANNOUNCER\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Until the day he died.

NORMAL MAN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Excuse me - I feel - my chest - urk.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 THUMP, DROP PHONE, ERROR TONE

MOVIE ANNOUNCER\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Now he was to work his way back to the top, against all odds... Coming soon--

NORMAL MAN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [zombie moan]

MOVIE ANNOUNCER\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 --A NORMAL MAN starring Justin Bieber and an undead Jim Carrey.

MUSIC

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [up, yelling] We\'re not with him!

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Toady.

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 We DO work at Tammuz.

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 This is Tammuz?

SECURITY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You have a count of 5 to put down the shotgun.\\xa0 ONE. [continues] TWO. THREE. FOUR.

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Haven\'t you noticed the logo everywhere?

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 My vision is ... strange.\\xa0 [musing]\\xa0 Tammuz.\\xa0 The one place I could never get into...

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Not surprising.

SECURITY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 FIVE!\\xa0 Get him!

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 They won\'t shoot in here - too many things\\xa0 might blow up.\\xa0

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What?\\xa0 Helping me?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I love - loved your show.

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Don\'t be surprised if I\'m back on the air soon.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Ow!

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What the heck?

SECURITY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I said get him, you maggoty turds!\\xa0 Why are you stopping?

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 huh.\\xa0 Funny how I knew to do that.

MUSIC

NOTE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Ad also plays, under, at very slow speed - for the ambulates watching.

EDNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Edna\'s chum on the go!\\xa0 Whenever you\'re out and about, and no time to get home and feed the ambulate in your life, drop round to Edna\'s Chum.\\xa0 We have the best quality, tastiest chum around - hot and fresh, just like mother might have made.\\xa0 Available for dine-in, drive through and even delivery!\\xa0

MUSIC

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 They have him cornered in sector five, west corridor!\\xa0 Checkpoint X-14.\\xa0 I must reclaim the unit after they take the body down.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 PHONE RINGS

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I\'ll catch up.\\xa0 You guys go on ahead.

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Hah!\\xa0 You\'re not weaseling out that easily.

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 One sec [to phone] Yeah?\\xa0 Oh brilliant.\\xa0 That\'s just the cherry on top.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 HANGS UP CELL

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [annoyed] Guess what?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [threat] I have a taser here somewhere--

DILL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Okay! Okay!\\xa0 There\'s a woman upstairs demanding her husband\'s body.\\xa0 And because this night isn\'t deep enough in the shit, I have a feeling she\'s related to--

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh IS she?\\xa0 [chuckles]\\xa0 We might be seeing daylight.\\xa0 Come on.

MUSIC

NIGERIAN SCAM\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 With reverence I am contacting you.\\xa0 I hope you will overlook my poor typistry.\\xa0 I am a recently deceased individual that managed to conceal a large sum of money before joining rank one of the walking dead.\\xa0

MUSIC

SECURITY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Tell me you saw that, too.

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You mean how he just, like, whistled and all the zombies trotted off after him like the pied piper of Hamlet?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Hamlin.

SECURITY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Yeah, that.\\xa0 Good.\\xa0 Now when I make my report, you two can back me up.

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh, uh-- We were actually leaving.

SECURITY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I don\'t think so.

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Not Leaving leaving.\\xa0 We have to get back to our -uh- posts.

SECURITY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 That\'s different.\\xa0 I\'ll give you an escort.

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh, boy.

SOUND \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0DISTANT FOOTSTEPS

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You!\\xa0 You there!\\xa0 I want a word with you!

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Us?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Him.\\xa0 you.

SECURITY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh, me.\\xa0 Yes ma\'am?

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You look like someone in charge here.\\xa0 You will tell me where my husband\'s body is!

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh that.\\xa0 He went thataway.

PAMELA \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0WHAT?

MUSIC

ZOMBIE LIB\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 If you can understand this, you are one of us, my zombie brother or sister.\\xa0 Come to the house with three crescent moons over the door, and we will guide you safely to our side of the wall.\\xa0 Liberty for all!

MUSIC

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 SHOTGUN SHOT INTO CEILING

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I\'m done fucking around.\\xa0 You let us past, or the next shot brings you to OUR bloody side!

COP\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I can\'t!\\xa0 I-- the door is on autolock!\\xa0 Please, uh, mister - I got a wife and kids--

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You stupid little shit!\\xa0 I have - had a wife to, but whatever genius did this--

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [off a bit] Landon?

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh my god.\\xa0 Pamela?

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What did they-- [more concerned than panic] your head!

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 It\'s some insane experiment.\\xa0 I\'m dead.

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You can still see and hear me?\\xa0 [wonder]\\xa0 But you\'re not slowed?

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Yes, I--

[REMEMBER STUPID ZOMBIE DOG ALL THIS TIME]

COP\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Sorry, sir, but I have to--

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 SHOT

ZOMBIEDOG\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Leaps in the way of the bullet, body drops and hat goes flying,

COP\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh, shit.

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Give me a minute, dear.

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [furious] Give me your gun.

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 No need.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 WHISTLE

ZOMBIES\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [attack]

COP\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I was - I didn\'t - oh!

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Poor stupid animal.\\xa0

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 If not for that thing, you\'d be dead.

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I\'ll take this.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 PICKS UP TOP HAT

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [coming in]\\xa0 No, we\'ll take that.\\xa0 Both of them, in fact.

MUSIC

ZOMBIE MAN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Look at me.\\xa0 Now look at your zombie.\\xa0 Now look back at me.\\xa0 Your zombie will never look as good as me, but it can smell as good as me, with special deodorant soap from--[danar?]

MUSIC

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [quiet] back away, quietly.

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [quiet] If we can just get past the corner...

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Who the fuck do you think you are?

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Helps that he\'s keeping their attention.

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 We\'re the owners of that gadget you\'re currently wearing, and we want it back.\\xa0 YOU, on the other hand, are expendable.

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 And you think I\'m afraid of your gun?\\xa0 If anyone knows how durable the undead are, I should bloody well think it was me.

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [quiet] I\'m clear!

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Just a bit more...

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 GUNSHOT

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 The next one goes into HER.

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [off] Her?\\xa0 [gasp, then relieved] Oh - her - his wife.

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You wouldn\'t.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You might want to consider--

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Shut up - this is all your fault anyway.

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 But--

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Get behind me, dearest.

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 He can\'t be mad enough to shoot me!

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh, I\'m flipping furious, lady!\\xa0

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 She doesn\\u2019t mean that kind of "MAD", you festering moronic baboon!

MUSIC

INTERVIEWER\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 We have an interview with someone actually on the scene.\\xa0 What precisely was going on?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 It was pandemonium!\\xa0 The ambulates were just walking away after the ... uh, stranger.

Interviewer\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Like the pied piper of hamlin?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Or like spartacus.

FRED\\xa0 \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0And when Mr. Chambers - I mean the defendant - shot Mrs. Frost--

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 We\'re not supposed to talk about that!

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 That\'s why they\'re pixilating our faces, isn\'t it?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 That\'s next week\'s interveiw - this one is live!

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh shit.\\xa0 Oh!

INTERVIEWER\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Now that you\'ve started, you might as well finish.\\xa0 What happened next?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [exasperated sigh] There goes our exclusive!

MUSIC

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 GUNSHOT

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Bastards!

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 ZOMBIE MOANS IN RESPONSE

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [snarl] Bring me THAT one!

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Which?\\xa0 Oh!

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Stay back!

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [expiring] \\xa0Landon?\\xa0 It hurts!

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Hold on, dearest.\\xa0 Keep breathing.\\xa0

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 GUNSHOT

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 ZOMBIE MOANS

CHAMBERS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Get out of my way, you maggots!

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Come ON, June!

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I have to see how it ends!

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 GUN SHOT

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [gasp]\\xa0 Or not!

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 ZOMBIES MOAN

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Let go! don\'t touch me!\\xa0 Ew!\\xa0 Does anyone have some purell?

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [very weak] \\xa0Landon?\\xa0 What- [gasp] what are you thinking?

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Is it hard to implant the top hat device?

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 It\'s quite simple really - the connections are made remotely inside the wiring, so the longer it is on, the more enmeshed the interfaces become--

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Take this.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 CLANG OF DOG\'S UNIT

PLASMUS\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What do you--?\\xa0 [realizing] Oh.

MUSIC

INTERVIEWER\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 But the zombies didn\'t harm Mr. Chambers?

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 He wanted - Landon wanted for him to stand in a human court for trial.\\xa0

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 He said something about rotting in hell, but his accent was getting really thick.

JUNE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 He was crying!

FRED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 He\'s a computer.\\xa0 I mean, the voice, at least, is computerized.\\xa0 Why would it get choked up?

INTERVIEWER\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [to camera] Even now, Chambers is standing trial for the murder of Mrs. Pamela Frost.\\xa0 While the videographic evidence is very convincing, the lack of an actual body has been a point hammered on by the defense.

MUSIC

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 CRACKLE of STATIC, THEN FOCUS

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [both are clearly computerized]

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Can\'t broadcast too long, don\'t want you to trace us.

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 We want to reach out to everyone who has been affected by the blight that is Tammuz.

LANDON\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Know this - relief is coming soon.\\xa0 For now, just walk away, wherever you are.\\xa0 We\'ll find you.

PAMELA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 And Merry Christmas, everyone.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 ZOMBIE MOANS FILL SOUNDSCAPE

END

'