BROADCASTS.com

Published: April 28, 2022, 3 p.m.

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CRY WOLF (B&B Investigations, Case 1)

In a world part 1940s film noir and part Grimms, B&B Investigations are hired
to clear the name of one "Mr. Wolf", who was allegedly killed after devouring a grandmother...\\xa0

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

\\xa0

Cast List

Paul Bette - Joel Harvey
Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson
Captain Oftheguard - Reynaud LeBoeuf
Mrs. Wolf - Rhys TM
Rumplestiltskin - Philemon Vanderbeck
Red - Julia Carson
Little Boy Blue - Beverly Poole
Portia - Chandra Wade
Prince - Mr. Synyster
Additional Voices - Cole Hornaday

Music:\\xa0 Buz Hendricks, Somewhere Off Jazz Street (via Jamendo)
19 Nocturne Main Theme:\\xa0 Kevin McLeod (incompetech.com)
Editing and Sound:\\xa0\\xa0 Julie Hoverson
Cover design:\\xa0 Front: Brett Coulstock
\\xa0

"What kind of a place is it?\\xa0
Why it\'s a private detective\'s office, can\'t you tell?"

************************************************

CRY WOLF

Cast:

Olivia (opening credits)

Donna Bella - slumming society dame

Paul Bett - roughneck P.I.

Mrs. Wolf - distraught widow

Red - hot tamale and damsel in dis dress

Captain Oftheguard - police investigator

Boy Blue - patticake ragamuffin

Winky, Blinky, Noddy - sewing Crones

Rumpy Stiltskin - snitch

Portia - Lawyer from across the pond

Prince

Officer Sees-Real-Far

ANNOUNCER\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 19 Nocturne Boulevard.

CABBIE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Nocturne Boulevard?\\xa0 Not far.\\xa0 When you hit Howard, hang a right.\\xa0 Howard meets Phillip at a weird kind of angle, then you cross James and Poe.\\xa0 You can\'t miss Nocturne - it\'s just past the automat.

ANNOUNCER\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 19 Nocturne Boulevard, your address for suspenseful stories of the speculative, strange, and supernatural.\\xa0 Tonight\'s story is called Wolf\'s Clothing

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 KNOCK ON DOOR.\\xa0 DOOR OPENS.

OLIVIA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [sultry voice]\\xa0 Yes.\\xa0 This is 19 Nocturne Boulevard, won\'t you step inside?

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 FOOTSTEPS

OLIVIA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Did you have any trouble finding it?\\xa0 What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?\\xa0 Why, it\'s a private detective\'s office, can\'t you tell?

MUSIC\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 SULTRY NOIR SAX

MRS. WOLF\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I know he was a beast--

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Hey!

MRS. WOLF\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 But he was mine.\\xa0 And now he\'s dead.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Seems like a cut and dried case, Mrs. Wolf.\\xa0 What exactly do you want us to do?

MRS. WOLF\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 They\'re saying my dear sweet husband Loopy killed this old lady and was taken down by a "good Samaritan" before he could escape.\\xa0 But he would never do anything like that!

VOICEOVER MUSIC BEGINS

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [voiceover]\\xa0 We\'d seen it all before.\\xa0 But that\'s what you get in P-I work - more of denial than Egypt in flood season, and more grief than happily ever afters.\\xa0 Lives are like mirrors - once they\'re shattered, they can never be quite put back together.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [voiceover] Mrs. Wolf was a typical criminal\'s window.\\xa0 Never willing to admit that the dead beloved might have actually been a predator--

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [voiceover]\\xa0 Hey!\\xa0 This is my voiceover.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [voiceover]\\xa0 You said we were going to start splitting them.\\xa0 And you kept top billing.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [voiceover]\\xa0 That\'s my Paul.\\xa0 Paul Bette.\\xa0 Despite his excruciatingly gruff and intimidating exterior, he always has to be the logical one.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [voiceover]\\xa0 And that\'s my Donna.\\xa0 Donna Bella.\\xa0 She\'s a lot more than just a pretty face.\\xa0

VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS TO FADE OUT

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [voiceover]\\xa0 I am right here.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [voiceover]\\xa0 Hmph.\\xa0 Maybe you\'ll learn something.\\xa0 Is it my turn now?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [voiceover]\\xa0 Nah, let\'s cut back to the scene.

VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS

MRS. WOLF\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 It\'s like you\'re not even listening to me!\\xa0

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Sorry.\\xa0 So your husband was killed in the commission of a crime--

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Alleged crime.\\xa0 Alleged commission.

MRS. WOLF\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Loopy would never do that!\\xa0 He\'s always been a good husband and father--

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Forgive me for asking, Mrs. Wolf, but has he been known to, well, hunt in other pastures?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 That was surprisingly tactful.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Thank you.

MRS. WOLF\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You\'re asking if he ever ran around on me?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You know, a little howl at the moon?\\xa0 A little lamb on the side?

MRS. WOLF\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Well Loopy was no saint--

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 It will help us help you.

MRS. WOLF\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [Sobs, then grudgingly] Yes. I always knew he was a bit of a dog, but I loved him.\\xa0 And there were always the cubs to consider.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Let\'s get down to the teeth of the matter.\\xa0 What exactly do you want us to do?\\xa0 Your husband\'s killer is no secret - in fact he\'s all over the papers as a big hero.\\xa0 "Simple woodcutter saves young girl from fate of devoured gramma."\\xa0 Story on page 7.

MRS. WOLF\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 It\'s the insurance.\\xa0 They\'re refusing to pay out since he died while committing a crime.\\xa0 I wouldn\'t ask if it was just for me, but our pack - well, we\'ll hardly be able to hold our muzzles up in public.

VOICEOVER MUSIC BEGINS

\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 PAUSE

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [voiceover] ... OK, you go.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [voiceover] \\xa0Thank you.\\xa0 The case was the biggest thing to hit the hot sheets since the disappearance of debutante White last year.\\xa0 Nothing sparks the interest like someone getting devoured.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [voiceover] ...And a little heavily implied sex.\\xa0 The facts were pretty cut and dried.\\xa0 Red reached gramma\'s cottage at 10 p.m., only to find the door unlocked and most of the light bulbs unscrewed.\\xa0 A voice from the bedroom called out for her to come in.

VOICEOVER MUSIC CUTS OUT

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 We should check and see if Mr. Wolf was known for voice impersonations.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Noted.\\xa0 So--

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [cutting her off] So Red went in to deliver gramma\'s goodies--

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [upping the ante] --and didn\'t realize at first that the person tucked up in bed was not her dear sweet gran--

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [stealing the punchline, almost breathless] --but a bloodthirsty wolf, dressed in the clothes of the little old lady he had devoured just moments earlier.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [sigh] \\xa0Why didn\'t she notice?\\xa0 We need to check on Red\'s eyesight.\\xa0 Seems fishy to me.\\xa0 Could she have been expecting something?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I\'ve heard some interesting things about Red.\\xa0 Maybe I should tackle her alone.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Me too - [catty] I\'ve heard that if her riding hood was a car, it would come with a rumble seat and a convertible roof.\\xa0

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [wolfish] They do say she likes to run around with the top down.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [sweetly] \\xa0Well, you go on ahead.\\xa0 I\'ll stop in on the Captain and see if I can wiggle loose a copy of the official report.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Nothing doing!\\xa0 I know just what kind of wiggling you-- [cut off by music]

VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [voiceover, very satisfied]\\xa0 So we paid a little call on Red.\\xa0 Together.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [voiceover]\\xa0 Hey!\\xa0 Let me finish.

DONNA\\xa0 \\xa0\\xa0[voiceover]\\xa0 Tell me on the way.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 CAR DOORS.\\xa0 CAR DRIVES OFF\\xa0 CAR ENGINE UNDER

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Bella?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [romantic-ish] Yes, Paul?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [musing] What would you do if you walked into, say, my bedroom...

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh, Paul?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [not noticing] And crept up to the burly figure tucked up in bed....

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [giggles]\\xa0 Um-hum?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [still oblivious] and when you got close enough to get a good look, you see--

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [sultry] What would I see, Paul?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 --A wolf in a nightcap?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What?\\xa0 I mean, you\'re a bit shaggy around the edges, but--

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Huh?\\xa0 I was thinking of Red.\\xa0 What were ... you...?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [snappish] Teasing.\\xa0 You\'re right.\\xa0 Even if she had to get close before noticing, there\'s too much chance she\'ll spot the switch.\\xa0 That\'s quite a risk he took.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Why are you so flushed?\\xa0 Are you OK?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Huh?\\xa0 [covering badly]\\xa0 Thrill of the chase.\\xa0 Are we there yet?

VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [whispering] \\xa0I think he\'s - yep - he\'s gone.\\xa0 Well, as you might have noticed, my big lug of a partner doesn\'t seem to know I\'m alive - except as a sidekick and a sleuth.\\xa0 I\'ve heard of girls who want to be loved for their minds, but everything from my neck down was getting lonely.\\xa0 So I --- Oops, here he--\\xa0 [clears throat] When we got to Red\'s address--

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Did I miss anything?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Nope!\\xa0 --the windows of the bungalow were dark and a FOR SALE sign sat in the yard.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What\'s ... wrong?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [snap] Nothing.

VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 OUTDOOR NOISES

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 No, really.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Well, there is one thing... [beat]\\xa0 Why would she sell her house right after her brush with death?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Bad memories?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 But that would be Gramma\'s house, wouldn\'t it?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 So where\'s Red?

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [off, coming on]\\xa0 She\'s staying at the Perrault Hilton - makes it easier to avoid the press.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [all sweetness, not fake] Captain Oftheguard, what are you doing here?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [growls]

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I could ask you the same thing.\\xa0 What\'s the deal?\\xa0 This is hardly the most interesting case in town, seeing as we\'ve already got everything handled - one dead killer, one live hero--

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 And one red hot media bombshell.\\xa0 Getting any good press lately?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Ssh!\\xa0 We\'ve been asked to look into a couple things.\\xa0 You know how insurance companies are.\\xa0

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [warning] Look, this case is wrapped up tighter than a ballgown in a walnut, and the last thing I need is you two poking your noses into it and messing it up.\\xa0 I don\'t want to see you anywhere near this case, you hear?\\xa0 I\'ve got a glass mountain just waiting for the first one to get in my way.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh yeah?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Shh. Bruce--

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [softening, but stern] Don\'t Bruce me, Donna.\\xa0 Why a nice girl like you wants to be a private eye is beyond me.\\xa0 Call me when you want to go legit.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [growls]

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Take it up with the king, pal.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 FOOTSTEPS STOMP AWAY

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Why can\'t you be civil?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I don\'t like him.\\xa0 He treats you like you should be locked in a tower.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Tsch.\\xa0 He just--

BOY BLUE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Pardon me, good miss, good sir,
have you seen a mangy cur?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Pfui.\\xa0 Get away.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 No need to--

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I hate patticakes.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 If not for them, who\'d do all the scut work? Cartoon mice?\\xa0 Paul, why don\'t you run along and see if you can talk to Red?\\xa0 I\'ll catch a cab late - it\'s Bee night anyway.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 But--?

VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I have to explain the patticakes, dear.\\xa0 You\'ll have plenty of time to get across town.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [muttering, going off] They come in here, take all the jobs...

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You may have noticed a certain theme to our world.\\xa0 Well, the patticakes hail from a completely different land.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [off, yelling]\\xa0 They don\'t even speak good English!

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [sigh]\\xa0 They\'re stuck in the past, and limited in their abilities, but they do just fine at menial labor, so they get hired under the table by people too cheap or too broke to find someone local.\\xa0 Luckily, when I was a kid, my nanny was an old woman who lived in a shoe, so I knew the lingo.

VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [yelling, off] And they do stupid things like jump over candle-sticks--\\xa0

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [yelling back] It\'s over!

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [off, not yelling]\\xa0 Oh.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [sigh]\\xa0 Right.\\xa0 Hmm...\\xa0 [thinking noises] question - no that\'s a hard one, little boy blue... wait, no... I\'ve got it!\\xa0 [to boy]\\xa0

\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I\'ve seen no dog, my boy in blue,
but I have something to ask you.

BOY BLUE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Lovely Lady, kind and fair
I\'ll answer anything I dare!

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Just a moment.\\xa0 [thinking again, then]\\xa0

\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I need to know about Miss Red
Or about the wolf that\'s dead

BOY BLUE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 The wolf is dead? Oh lackaday!
He had me watch his car for pay.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You mean the wolf came here?\\xa0 What-- oh! [thinking hard, trying to rhyme]\\xa0

BOY BLUE\\xa0 \\xa0\\xa0I see the sinking of the sun
My mother worries - I must run!

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 FOOTSTEPS RUN OFF

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Damn!\\xa0 But why would Mr. Wolf have come here?\\xa0 If Red knew him--

VOICEOVER MUSIC CUTS HER OFF

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I need to muse.\\xa0 Take a break.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Are you spying on me?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [genuinely shocked] No!\\xa0 I wouldn\'t--

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Good.\\xa0

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [clears throat] I figured this was as good a time as any to tap my underworld contacts, see if there was any connection between red and the wolf--

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Don\'t you dare!\\xa0 That\'s my clue!

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Now who\'s spying?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I\'ll go away, but only if you don\'t follow my clue.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [growl]\\xa0 Oh, Done.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Fine.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [loudly] Then I decided to tap my underworld contacts to see if the woodcutter had any prior grudge against the wolf--

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [off] That\'s better!

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 And I figured after that, I could swing by ...Captain ...Oftheguard\'s... office--\\xa0 [quietly] Donna?\\xa0 [waits]\\xa0 Whew.\\xa0 [chuckles, then fondly]\\xa0 She\'s a real salamander when she gets started.\\xa0 Look, don\'t tell her this, [listens again for a second] but, I feel like such a - well, a beast - when I see her and Oftheguard together.\\xa0 He\'s an old friend of the family - when her father the big time importer had a few bad business breaks, he helped them keep the wolf from the door, and I always figured it was to get close to her, since her sisters are no prize.\\xa0 That\'s how Donna ended up coming to work for me.\\xa0 Times were tough.\\xa0 [putting a brave face on it] Now that her father\'s back in the shipping fast lane, I figure it\'s just a matter of time before she gets bored with keeping company with a roughneck like me and goes back to her high society friends.\\xa0

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [breaking a little]\\xa0 I don\'t know how I\'ll get by without her, but there\'s no way a gorgeous dame like her could ever be interested in a big hairy brute like yours truly.\\xa0 And what could I say?\\xa0 Every time I try and come up with something romantic, all I think of is "will you marry me?" which is bound to be slapped down.\\xa0 So I make light and pretend I don\'t see her lovely eyes and shiny red hair... [sigh that\'s almost a growl]\\xa0

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I\'m back - miss me?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I, no, I-- [going off] have to meet a guy.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I\'ll never understand him.\\xa0 [beat]\\xa0 What?\\xa0 Oh, fine - [sigh] I got to the bee.\\xa0 [beat] Why isn\'t the music ending? \\xa0I\'ve arrived.\\xa0 [beat]\\xa0 Tsk.\\xa0 [exasperated sigh] \\xa0Grand balls may be the obvious social events of high society, but the sewing bees are the true heart of the old dame\'s network.\\xa0 We get together to spin and weave and sew ... and dish.\\xa0 [calling off]\\xa0 Good enough?

VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [sarcastic]\\xa0 Thanks.\\xa0

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 KNOCK ON DOOR

WINKY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [muffled] Come in!

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS\\xa0

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Hey, ladies!\\xa0 Winky, nice glasses.\\xa0 Blinky, how\'s the gout?\\xa0 Nod - What happened to your hunch?

NODDY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [sounding like Marty Feldman] What hunch?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Huh?\\xa0 Nevermind.\\xa0 I brought Pies!

THE LADIES\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [noises of happy excitement]

WINKY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Is this that Pieman friend of yours?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Might be.\\xa0 [chuckles]\\xa0 Never hurts to have pals in low places.\\xa0 Hey, Tilda\'s not here?\\xa0 Did she finally finish those shirts for her seven brothers?

BLINKY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 All but one sleeve, can you believe it?\\xa0 No one ever understand how long these things take.\\xa0

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I\'d\'a thought she be here chatting up a storm, just about now.

NODDY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 She\'s on her honeymoon, the wench!

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [off, calling]\\xa0 Enough of this Lifetime moment.\\xa0 Can I have the narrative for a while?\\xa0 There\'s actually something happening over here.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [loud whisper] Oh, all right, but - where\'s the--

VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS HASTILY

DONNA and PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Thank you!

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 May I?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [fondly] Brute.\\xa0 [long sexy sigh, then fading away]\\xa0 Very well.\\xa0

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [lustful growl, then shakes himself out of it]\\xa0 That woman.\\xa0 Where was I?\\xa0 Right.\\xa0 My best contact, Rumpy - that little weasel - was just coming out of his basement for the night as I rolled up.

VOICEOVER MUSIC FADES

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 STREET NOISES, FOOTSTEPS

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Hey Rump.\\xa0 Any straw to gold today?

RUMPY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [surprised]\\xa0 Oh!\\xa0 Oh, it\'s you, Bett.\\xa0 Whadja want?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Come on old pal!\\xa0 Can\'t a guy just look you up for old times sake?

RUMPY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You know, and I know, we got no old times, me old son.\\xa0 Show me the money.\\xa0 Unless you have, uh, something a bit more round and pink handy?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 No babes today, Rump.\\xa0 You\'re old enough, you wouldn\'t know what to do with one if you did get one.\\xa0 Right, then.\\xa0 I want the skinny on the Wolf massacre.

RUMPY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Wolf?\\xa0 I don\'t seem to recall--

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 CLINK OF HEAVY COINS

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 This refresh your memory?\\xa0

RUMPY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh, you mean the Red Riding Hood rescue.\\xa0

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I want to know more about the wolf, and I heard you two sometimes ended up at the same watering holes.\\xa0 What kind of guy was he?

RUMPY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [losing the sly undertones]\\xa0 Truly, I never would have pegged him as a grammavore.\\xa0 Never saw him touch anything harder than lamb kebobs, if you get my drift. \\xa0

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 No steak tartare?\\xa0 No little pigs?

RUMPY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Truly, Bett, on my mother\'s grave.\\xa0 He was a bit secretive the last few days, though, leering and preening and hinting he had a new lady friend.\\xa0 Said something about her being real hot stuff.\\xa0

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Red hot?

RUMPY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [cagey again] Yes... he might have said something like that.\\xa0 But he did say one thing solid, that I almost recall...

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 CLINK OF MORE COINS

RUMPY \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0Ah, yes, it all comes back to me.\\xa0 He mentioned how she was, um, a bit experimental, in the...\\xa0 boudoir, so to speak.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Kinky?

RUMPY\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 To put a bald face on it, yes.\\xa0 He said she liked him to \'dress up\'.

VOICEOVER MUSIC

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [after a pause] What, no snappy wrap up?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Frankly, I\'m a little creeped out.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh, all right, let\'s meet up outside the office.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Yeah, good.

VOICEOVER MUSIC FADES

AMBIANCE\\xa0 \\xa0\\xa0STREET NOISES

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 HORSE GOES BY QUICKLY, THEN SUDDENLY HOOFBEATS STOP

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [yelling off] Hey!\\xa0 Just because that thing can fly doesn\'t mean there isn\'t a scoop law!

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [very tired]\\xa0 Morning.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What happened to you?\\xa0 Phew - you smell like an elvish cobbler shop.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 FOOTSTEPS ON SIDEWALK, THEY AMBLE OFF TO WORK

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I was tapping rumpy.\\xa0 [flustered] I mean , I was getting the low-down from my contacts.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Stiltskin\'s about as low down as they get...

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You get anything at the Bee?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Not much.\\xa0 Neither one sees to have run in our circles.\\xa0 Seems Gramma didn\'t get out much, and Red moves in - well, much FASTER circles...

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I see.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 One thing, though.\\xa0 Rapunzel showed up for a bit - she\'s legal counsel for the highway board, you know? - and said that SHE\'d heard of Gramma\\u2011\\u2011

PRINCE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Halt there!\\xa0

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What?\\xa0 It\'s too early for--

PRINCE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Unhand that fair maiden!

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Who, her?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What?

PRINCE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Don\'t worry - I am here to save you!\\xa0 Take heart, dear lady!\\xa0

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Um, fellow--

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [ramping up] What?

PRINCE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 This foul beast cannot harm you ever again!\\xa0 Rescue is at hand!

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Look out, he\'s gotta sword!

PRINCE\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Have at!\\xa0 Hah!

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 WHAT!

MUSIC STING

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I am disappointed in you.\\xa0 That poor, poor prince--

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [muttered] He started it.

CAPTAIN \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0Brawling on the street like a couple of - drunken...\\xa0 um... drunkards.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 He must be annoyed, he\'s dropping his similes.

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Shut up!\\xa0 You\'ll be lucky if he doesn\'t press charges!\\xa0 I\'m still trying to decide if I should toss you in a dungeon.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Huh?\\xa0 I didn\'t even break his nose until he brought up Stockholm Syndrome.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 She was very understated.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Thank you.

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I don\'t CARE!\\xa0 I won\'t have it in my town!

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Look, if it will get him to forgo filing a complaint, tell him he can tell everyone it was me that done him over.\\xa0 Much less embarrassing to the folks back home.

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [sigh, resigned] Fine.\\xa0 Get outta here.\\xa0 I know where to find you.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 CHAIR SCRAPE, FOOTSTEPS, THEN STEPS PAUSE

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 One thing, Captain - was there an autopsy on Mr. Wolf?

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Autopsy?\\xa0 Why would we do that?\\xa0 It was obvious how he died!

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I was more interested in his stomach contents...

CAPTAIN \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0Besides, after the woodcutter got through with him, there wasn\'t much cutting left to --\\xa0 stomach contents?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Just curious.\\xa0 We\'ll get out of your way.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SHUTS

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Think he\'ll go for it?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 fifty-fifty.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Is that a bet?

VOICEOVER MUSIC

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 We decided to speak with the only killer we were sure of - even if he was the hero of the day.\\xa0 The woodcutter had been mighty quiet....

END VOICEOVER

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 That was short and sweet.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I\'m still hung over.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 This is the place.

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 KNOCKING ON A DOOR, PAUSE THEN KNOCKING AGAIN

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Uh-oh.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 In the window.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [gasp!]\\xa0 Is he--?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Well, he could be sleeping.\\xa0 On the floor.\\xa0 In a puddle of blood... Here--[effort]

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 DOOR BEING FORCED, HIS FOOTSTEPS

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [off, calling] Anything?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Nothing obvious.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [off] Check him for combs and poison apples, but be careful, Paul!

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [quiet]\\xa0 I love it when she worries.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [off] What?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Nothing.\\xa0 [grunts as he rolls him over]\\xa0 Aha.\\xa0 Stabbed in the back.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 With what?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I have an idea...\\xa0 And look at this!

SOUND\\xa0 \\xa0\\xa0HER FOOTSTEPS COME ON

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What is--?\\xa0 Why would he have one of those?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Maybe a souvenir from Gramma\'s house?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 No - she only had one, and the wolf was wearing it when he died.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Hmm....

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I\'ll call Captain Oftheguard--

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 No, we\'ll need him.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Need him for what?

VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [importantly] The denouement.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Are we there already?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh, yes.\\xa0 [clears throat]\\xa0 So we rounded up all the unusual suspects -

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 There\'s actually only the one.\\xa0 Red.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh, well, we got Red and Oftheguard to meet us at Gramma\'s cottage, a one-room, run-down little affair that had definitely seen better days - three or four kings ago.

VOICEOVER MUSIC STOPS

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 All present and -- who are you?

RED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [VERY SULTRY]\\xa0 That\'s my attorney Portia.

PORTIA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [VERY BRITISH, acknowledging the intro]\\xa0 Most noble lady.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Portia?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [whispered] I think she\'s from across the pond.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [growls, then mutters] First patticakes, now Shakespeareans - what\'s next?\\xa0

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Shh.\\xa0 Denouement, remember?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Right.\\xa0 [pulls himself together]\\xa0 Daymoo-- [sighs, almost a growl] Denouement.\\xa0

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Should I start?

RED \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0Well somebody should.

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 We\'re all here.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Fine.\\xa0 We were hired to investigate the circumstances of a violent death--

RED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 My Gramma?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Actually, no.\\xa0 We\'re talking about the death of Mr. Wolf, at the hands of a woodcutter.

RED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 But he was protecting little old me.\\xa0 That\'s not murder!

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Stuff it up your riding hood, Red.\\xa0 Let Paul talk.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [growls appreciatively]\\xa0 As I was saying, Wolf\'s wife, loyal to the end, insisted that while he might have been on the prowl, he wasn\'t a killer.\\xa0 And she was right, wasn\'t she, Captain?

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 He?\\xa0 [grudgingly]\\xa0 Turns out you\'re right.\\xa0 There was no sign of gramma in the wolf\'s stomach contents.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Great!

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [defensive]\\xa0 But there was Gramma - bits - found in his mouth and teeth - so there was no reason for us to look any farther.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Understandable.\\xa0

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 The guard is always busy, and understaffed.\\xa0

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 We\'re agreeing with you.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 So the wolf was a patsy.\\xa0 A fall guy.\\xa0

PORTIA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What, like icarus?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Don\'t confuse him.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 And once we rule out who seemed to be the murderer, we have to look at motive.\\xa0

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Which is?

RED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Yes, enlighten us - If you think I want to own this run-down little rathole, you\'re sadly mistaken.\\xa0 It\'s so old, it might as well have been built out of gingerbread.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Ah!\\xa0 Well I found out, from a contact in the D-A\'s office and highway planning board, that there\'s been a highway supposed to go through this very spot, but it\'s been held up in the planning stages, since Gramma didn\'t want to sell.

RED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [gasp]

PORTIA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Is there something I should know?

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 KNOCK ON THE DOOR

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 That will be Officer Sees-Real-Far.\\xa0 [raising voice] come in!

S-R-F\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 We did what you said sir, and--

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [lowering his voice] And?

S-R-F\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [low] out behind the woodshed sir.

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Very good.

PORTIA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 In the interest of disclosure, sire--[don\'t forget her best line - the devil is in the details, milord]

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 In a bit.\\xa0 Go on.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 But even if Red had a very good motive - by the way, my contact also said the board bought the land this morning - and for a pretty penny.

RED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [petulant] I may be in mourning for my gramma, but business is business.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Right.\\xa0 We come to the death of the woodcutter.\\xa0 Supposedly an innocent bystander, dragged in to the whole mess out of pure chivalry and civic duty.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Or was he--?

RED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 What are you implying?\\xa0 You won\'t find anyone who saw us together until AFTER the fact.

PORTIA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I ought to caution you to remain silent.

RED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Why?\\xa0 I have nothing to hide.

PORTIA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Yes, I can tell by your dress.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Back to the subject.\\xa0

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Funny you should mention dresses, there, mouthpiece.\\xa0 Because the wolf - who also was probably never seen with you, Red, was howling to all his friends about a hot little number\\u2011\\u2011

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 --red-hot--

PAUL\\xa0 \\xa0\\xa0--who was keeping company with him, and how she was a little kinky.

RED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Shut up!

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 She liked him to dress up--

RED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Tell him I\'ll sue!

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 In an old lady\'s nightgown.

RED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [collapses into tears]

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 It started out as part of the plot, didn\'t it?\\xa0 Just a way to get him into the nightie before he tucked himself up and waited for you?\\xa0

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 But you realized it really got your ball rolling.\\xa0

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Otherwise, why would we have found this--

SOUND\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 NIGHTGOWN PULLED OUT OF BAG

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 In the woodcutter\'s bedroom?

CAP, RED, POR\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [GASP!!]

RED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I forgot about that...

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Not hard, since just as you didn\'t actually kill the wolf, you didn\'t actually kill the woodcutter either.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [completely surprised]\\xa0 She didn\'t?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [pleased with himself]\\xa0 Nope.\\xa0 Captain, I think you already have that killer in custody.

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [baffled]\\xa0 I do?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Come on!\\xa0 Spill!

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 That prince who attacked us on the street, beautiful.\\xa0 While you were --

CAPTAIN \\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0Causing a disturbance.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Defending myself.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Turning into a whirlwind, I happened to notice his sword had a tiny smear of dried blood on it.\\xa0 It didn\'t strike me at the time, except that he was pretty careless with his weapon.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 And the woodcutter--?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 When I saw the stab wound in his back, I thought it looked strange - awkward.\\xa0 Sword\'s aren\'t made for that, but they\'ll do.\\xa0 I think you\'ll find, Captain when you do an autopsy on the poor fellow, that it\'s the same caliber.

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Swords don\'t have calibers.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 So it\'s an Ex-caliber?

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [growls]\\xa0 Size, shape, whatever.\\xa0 Don\'t nitpick, this is the big payoff!

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 So she vamped him into killing the wolf--

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Not too hard, a poor but honest woodcutter, and a tamale like that--

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 He must have thought he died and went to heaven.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 And he did, just the other way round.

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 So this prince--?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 She must have heard we were onto her.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 And she gave him a sob story and sent him round to take me out.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Possibly hoping I\'d get caught in the crossfire-- um cross sword, um...

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Fray?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Fray.\\xa0 Yes.

PORTIA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 But you still have no proof of any of this.\\xa0

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [chuckles] That\'s where you\'re wrong, milady.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh?

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 My officer just now?\\xa0 Well, I had some of my boys dig around out back, and guess what they found?

RED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Oh No!

PORTIA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 My client is admitting nothing.

CAPTAIN\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 They found Gramma.\\xa0 Dead.\\xa0 Buried under the woodshed.\\xa0 And I think we\'re going to find she wasn\'t killed by wolf, woodcutter or demented prince.\\xa0 Eh, Red?

RED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 All right!\\xa0 I did it!\\xa0 She was a tiresome senile old biddy who stockpiled newspapers and put food out for the bluebird of happiness!\\xa0 She had no reason to live, let alone to keep me from my dreams!

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Which are?

RED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [unconvincing] Oh, you know - fame fortune, marry a prince.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Really?

RED\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [admitting] Ok, so my only dream is to kill her and get a bunch of money, is that so wrong?

VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 A nice end to another tough case.\\xa0 Mrs. Wolf got her insurance money, and the cubs can go to college--

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Red got her comeuppance, and the prince went into therapy--

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 And the money from the sale of gramma\'s land went to a distant relation living in a pumpkin shell.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [grumbling] Patticakes.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 And we--

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 --we got our fee--

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 --and the warm feeling--

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 --of helping someone in need.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Stop!\\xa0 Darn it Paul.\\xa0 I\'m tired of this.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Of what?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 All of this.\\xa0 Fighting over voiceovers, everything.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 You-- you mean?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Yes.

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Well, I can\'t say I wasn\'t expecting it.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I\'ve just been holding out to be nice.

PAUL\\xa0 \\xa0\\xa0[wilting] Of course.

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 So, as of tomorrow--

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [growly sigh, very small] Yes?

DONNA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 I want my own damn voiceover music!

PAUL\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 [immensely cheered] Oh!

CLOSING

OLIVIA\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 Now that you know how to find us, you\'ll have to come back.\\xa0 Maybe next week?\\xa0 Don\'t be a stranger - we have enough of those already...

'