205: How patriarchy hurts us...all of us
I have to admit, I\u2019m a bit scared to say it\u2026\n\nThe P-word\u2026\n\n\u201cPatriarchy.\u201d(Phew! I did it!)I know some listeners find it hard to hear.\n\nI\u2019ve spoken with more than one woman who has told me: \u201cI sent your podcast to my husband but then he heard the word \u201cPatriarchy\u201d and it was all over.\n\nThere\u2019s some sadness there for me, for sure.\n\nEvery time I talk about patriarchy I talk about how much it hurts me and those of us who identify as women \u2013 but I also talk about how much it hurts men as well. And that\u2019s not just lip service: I truly believe that patriarchy has robbed men of a full emotional life.\n\nI was talking with a parent in the Parenting Membership recently who asked her husband if he ever felt truly seen and understood. He said \u2018no,\u2019 and ended the conversation. She cried as she told me: \u201cI feel so sad for him that he doesn\u2019t know that he could be seen and understood, so he doesn\u2019t even realize he\u2019s missing it.\u201d\n\nWe can know these things conceptually, and we can think that patriarchy kind of sucks, but maybe we think there\u2019s not a lot we can do about it. After all, isn\u2019t the man the one who really needs to change?\n\nMember Iris and I had had a conversation in the membership a couple of months before I was in Vancouver for the Parenting Beyond Power book tour, where she mentioned that she\u2019d been thinking a lot about how patriarchy shows up in her life. We made plans to get together to record an episode while I was in town \u2013 and here it is!\n\nIris and I discuss:\n\nThe power and control that men held over women and girls as she grew up in the Philippines, including casting out female family members with out-of-wedlock pregnancies, while nothing happened to the men who got them pregnant (and lest we think this couldn't possibly happen where we live, men have very real power over women's pregnancies in the United States as well right now too...)\nHow she sees herself catering to her husband\u2019s needs - adjusting her daily schedule to his; eating what he wanted for dinner even if she preferred something different; perceiving that he expects her to do more than half of the household, even though neither of them works for income;\nPatriarchal messages that are being passed on to her daughter about the value of marriage, children, and meeting men\u2019s needs.\n\nEven though she\u2019s no longer in the Philippines, Iris still sees patriarchy in her relationship with her husband and daughter. She even sees how it hurts her husband, who is looked down upon in our culture because he doesn't present in a typically 'masculine' way.\n\nShe shares the practices she\u2019s using to pass on different messages to her daughter about a woman\u2019s role in a family and in the world.\n\nBut I don\u2019t think we should only have these kinds of conversations with our daughters. We should also talk with our boys about their feelings, and encourage them to fully experience their pain, hurt, and joy, and teach them that it\u2019s OK to care about other people and not be an island that feels no pain and never cries.\n\nEnjoy this beautiful conversation with Iris.