149: How to set the boundaries you need
We\u2019ve covered the topic of boundaries before, in our conversation with Xavier Dagba.\xa0 In my work with parents, I see that an inability to set boundaries is a MAJOR cause of feeling triggered by our child\u2019s behavior.\xa0\xa0\n\n \n\nWhen we snap at our child\u2019s behavior, it often (not always, but often) comes somewhat later in the day.\xa0\xa0\n\n \n\nThere\u2019s a reason for that: it\u2019s because we haven\u2019t been able to set boundaries early in the day, so each time our child crosses where a boundary should have been, we get more and more irritated.\xa0 Then finally we can\u2019t take it any more - and after one last not-boundary crossing, we snap.\n\n \n\n(If you snap early in the day, I\u2019d ask you to consider what boundaries were crossed for you the day (or many days) before, and whether you\u2019re still feeling the effects of that?)\n\n \n\nSo we\u2019ve discussed this before, and yet\u2026boundaries continue to be a struggle for almost all of the parents I meet.\xa0 Why is this?\n\n \n\nWe\u2019ll get into that in this episode, which draws on Nedra Tawwab\u2019s book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, and goes beyond it too.\xa0 Nedra outlines nine reasons why we find setting boundaries so difficult, and I argue that\u2019s because all nine are rooted in patriarchal ways of being in relationships.\xa0\xa0\n\n \n\nWhen we\u2019ve been conditioned for decades that our role as women is not to seem rude or mean, to keep the peace at all costs, to make sure everyone else\u2019s needs are taken care of before our own, and to have our power in a relationship come from taking care of others, is it any wonder that we go out into the world and have no idea how to even know we need a boundary, never mind how to set one?\n\n \n\nAnd secondly I argue that while we might need more boundaries between us and the people we love, that we have WAY TOO MANY boundaries between us and the people in our broader communities.\xa0 That\u2019s one big reason why we feel so stressed out all the time - because it seems like we are the only person that can meet our child\u2019s every need, and that we have to do it all alone.\xa0 I believe that by breaking these boundaries down we can make life a whole lot easier for ourselves by reducing the number of things we need to do (meal swap, anyone?), and by creating connection that helps us to feel nourished and whole.\n\n \n\nIf you\u2019re struggling with knowing how to identify and set boundaries, I\u2019d like to invite you to join my Taming Your Triggers workshop.\xa0\xa0\n\n \n\nWe\u2019ll help you to identify your needs so you can work with your child to get these met and meet your child\u2019s needs as well (and even though this might seem impossible right now, it actually is possible to meet both of your needs the vast majority of the time!).\xa0\xa0\n\n \n\nAnd on the relatively few times when it isn\u2019t possible to meet both of your needs, you can set a boundary instead (which is different from a limit!).\xa0 When you do this consistently, you can be more regulated more of the time, which means you won\u2019t snap at your child as often as you do now.\n\n \nJump to Highlights\n \n\n01:32 Introducing...