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b'Episode Notes
Antiques are so cute, a fun waste of money with an educational flavor... Unless the history is dark and gruesome... and EVIL.
The Black Museum by John Oak Dalton
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Music by Ray Mattis http://raymattispresents.bandcamp.com
Produced by Daniel Wilder
This episode sponsored by HenFlix.com
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Transcript:
They were taping the Halloween special at the visitor center in Ipswich because they couldn\\u2019t afford Salem at Halloween but fuck it, Steve thought, the rumor was this was the last season of the show anyway.\\xa0 He would just say in the cold open they were in Salem and who would know the difference.
There was a guy with a Jim Abbott rookie card which wasn\\u2019t worth much, but the guy was telling a good story about seeing him play at the University of Michigan, so they\\u2019d probably use it in the episode.\\xa0 They only had a trickle of people here wanting their junk to be appraised for the show so they would have to take what they had.
Junkin\\u2019 Coast to Coast had been broadcast for seventeen years on a second-tier cable channel and had been steadily declining in viewership since the original host had the temerity to kill himself.\\xa0 It used to be called Junkin\\u2019 with Joe but Shit with Steve didn\\u2019t have the same ring to it so there you go.
The bitch of it all, in Steve\\u2019s mind, was fucking Joe died with a belt hanging around his neck and a bunch of furry porn around his feet, but all of that has been conveniently forgotten and Steve was never going to be considered as good as the original guy.
His videographer Yvonne had the baseball card guy squared up on a head and shoulders shot and was half turned away texting somebody.\\xa0 She had been his primary shooter on the East Coast, and since the budget of the show kept shrinking year over year they traveled less and less and stayed closer to New York, and Steve\\u2019s other videographers in other parts of the country dropped away. \\xa0
But even though they spent a lot of time together when they were shooting the show, and stayed at the same hotels and ate together every night, they had never hooked up.\\xa0 Never even brushed hands.\\xa0 Yet Steve felt like Yvonne was breaking up with him.
This old lady comes up with another fucking Blenko vase and then after that was a lull, and Yvonne stepped out into the cold fall night and called somebody.\\xa0 Steve watched through the windows of the visitor center.\\xa0 When she hung up Steve went outside to confront her.
\\u201cAre you looking for another job?\\u201d
\\u201cIt\\u2019s the last show of the season, Steve.\\u201d
\\u201cYeah, but we\\u2019re starting again in Portsmouth in January and people have always cleared out a bunch of shit over the holidays.\\u201d
Yvonne shook her head.\\xa0 \\u201cI\\u2019m hearing this is it.\\xa0 Even if it isn\\u2019t I gotta keep an eye out for me.\\u201d
Steve pointed at her cell phone.
\\u201cWho was that?\\u201d
Yvonne just shrugged.\\xa0 \\u201cIt was Rich, he\\u2019s on that dive bar show now where they show people how to fix them up, make a new drink menu, that kind of thing.\\u201d
\\u201cWhere he went when he fucking cut out on Junkin\\u2019, yeah.\\u201d
\\u201cThat\\u2019s not how he sees it but yeah.\\u201d
\\u201cThe asshole who hosts that?\\xa0 We were at the upfronts in Boston with the network guys, and he was a douchebag to everybody.\\u201d
\\u201cYeah, but Rich says that\\u2019s only when he drinks.\\u201d
\\u201cThe whole premise of the show is him fucking drinking!\\u201d
\\u201cWell, Rich says he needs a second shooter, so\\u2026\\u201d
\\u201cSo you\\u2019re the first shooter on my show!\\u201d
Yvonne just looked at him, then slides her eyes back through the window of the visitor center.\\xa0 Steve follows her line of sight and sees a guy in coveralls with a little book under his arm, and fuck my life if that isn\\u2019t probably a Civil War diary about somebody nobody gives a shit about.
So Steve just set his jaw and Yvonne followed him back into the visitor center.\\xa0 A blast of warm air and close smells hits them.
\\u201cHey, thanks for coming out to the show, if you\\u2019ll sign this release we can sit down and I can check out what you have there.\\u201d \\xa0
The guy looked pretty nervous up close and only gives a little bird-like nod.\\xa0 While he is scratching his name on the clipboard Yvonne holds out to him the fake smile dropped from Steve\\u2019s face.
\\u201cHey, can I look at this while my videographer sets up real quick?\\u201d
\\u201cSure, man, that\\u2019s why I brought it.\\u201d\\xa0 the guy said.\\xa0 \\u201cI found it when I was cleaning out my uncle\\u2019s attic.\\xa0 He passed over the summer.\\u201d
Steve swallowed hard and takes the small, soft-edged book while Yvonne gets ready to clip a lavalier mic on the guy.
Steve frowned with distaste and puts the book down quickly on a nearby table.\\xa0 Both Yvonne and the guy look at Steve with surprise.
\\u201cTake that mic off, we can\\u2019t talk to this dude.\\u201d\\xa0 Steve said with finality.
The guy in the coveralls raised his hands in mock surrender.
\\u201cHey, man, I just want to know what I have there.\\u201d
Steve looked at him steadily.\\xa0 \\u201cIt looks like you have a diary bound in human skin, and I don\\u2019t dick around with shit like that.\\u201d
Now the guy looked more surprised than he did before.\\xa0 He holds his hands open wide.
\\u201cI-I didn\\u2019t know that.\\u201d
\\u201cYou said you got that from your uncle?\\xa0 Maybe you should turn that over to the police.\\u201d
\\u201cThe police?\\xa0 What?\\xa0 It ain\\u2019t like that.\\u201d
Steve just shrugged.\\xa0 \\u201cI don\\u2019t care what it\\u2019s like, I\\u2019m not going on camera with a book made out of somebody\\u2019s skin.\\u201d
Yvonne retreated behind her camera and doesn\\u2019t check her cell phone, for once.
The guy in coveralls looked through the window of the visitor center to the darkness beyond, where nobody else is coming to bring their old crap tonight.\\xa0 Then he looked square at Steve.
\\u201cOkay, this is the straight story, man.\\xa0 I\\u2019m a plumber, okay, I work for the city, we get this call there\\u2019s water running out of this old abandoned building, way down by Choate Bridge.\\xa0 We go down there, water running across the street, eventually I gotta break into the place, look for a busted pipe, see?\\u201d
\\u201cThis is the most boring fucking story that involves a diary made of human skin I have ever heard.\\u201d
\\u201cOkay, okay, so wait a second, I get in there, I shut off the pipe, I start looking around a minute.\\xa0 This old boarded up place is full of all kinds of shit.\\xa0 It looks like medieval torture shit and a bunch of other stuff I don\\u2019t know what it is, but there\\u2019s probably some money in all that, right?\\xa0 But I can\\u2019t haul all that out with my partner just outside so I just grab this book off a shelf and thought I would bring it here tonight, see if this shit was worth anything.\\xa0 My grandma watches your show, you know?\\u201d
Steve is actually able to ignore this comment because his mind is working, working. \\xa0
\\u201cWhat\\u2019s your name, dude?\\u201d
\\u201cWhy you got to know my name?\\u201d
\\u201cI\\u2019m not calling the cops, I just want to know what to call YOU.\\u201d
\\u201cJimmy.\\xa0 Jimmy Corey.\\u201d
\\u201cSo what other kind of stuff was in this place, Jimmy?\\u201d \\xa0
Jimmy shrugged.\\xa0 \\u201cMaybe some other weapons, some guns and shit, but I\\u2019m not touching somebody else\\u2019s guns.\\u201d
\\u201cI have a feeling that was a good idea.\\xa0 Just hang loose a second.\\u201d
Steve lifted his chin, and Yvonne follows him to the corner, out of earshot.
Yvonne looked at him like he was crazy.
\\u201cYvonne\\u2026I think this dude here found a Black Museum.\\u201d
Yvonne arched a brow at him.\\xa0 \\u201cA BLACK Museum?!\\u201d
\\u201cJesus, not that kind of Black, calm down a minute\\u2014\\u201c
\\u201cNow I have to calm down?!\\u201d
\\u201cIt\\u2019s not that kind of Black Museum!!\\xa0 The original was in London, but now it refers to any place where somebody has collected artifacts from various crimes\\u2026on the circuit, you know, the world I live in\\u2026sometimes you hear about private collectors\\u2026\\u201d
\\u201cYou mean people that want like, a picture a serial killer painted, shit like that?\\u201d
\\u201cI mean, that\\u2019s a mild example, but yeah.\\u201d
\\u201cWe\\u2019ve never seen anything like that come through.\\xa0 You sure that is human skin?\\u201d
\\u201cYeah, it is.\\u201d
\\u201cSo what do you want to do?\\u201d
Steve looked back at Jimmy.
\\u201cWe need to get this guy to take us to that place.\\u201d
\\u201cWhat?\\xa0 Why?\\u201d
\\u201cJust trust me.\\xa0 And when we get there, don\\u2019t stop rolling tape for anything.\\u201d
\\u201cMy contract says I\\u2019m done at 7:30.\\u201d
Steve shook his head angrily.
\\u201cForget about 7:30!\\xa0 We\\u2019re looking at Season 18!\\xa0 Believe me.\\u201d
\\u201cUh-huh,\\u201d Yvonne said flatly.\\xa0 \\u201cSeason 18.\\u201d
A few minutes later Steven and Yvonne piled into Jimmy\\u2019s panel van and headed towards the river.
\\u201cYou oughta do a whole show on the Choate Bridge,\\u201d Jimmy offered as they got closer.\\xa0 \\u201cIt\\u2019s one of the oldest bridges in the United States, if not THE oldest.\\u201d
\\u201cCan someone take that bridge down and bring it into the Ipswich Visitor Center?\\xa0 No?\\xa0 Then it can\\u2019t be on the fucking show.\\u201d
Jimmy just shook his head.\\xa0 \\u201cIt was just an idea.\\xa0 And when did you shave your beard?\\u201d
\\u201cWhat?\\u201d
\\u201cHe\\u2019s talking about Joe,\\u201d Yvonne threw in.
Of course he\\u2019s fucking talking about Joe, Steve thought.
\\u201cNever, Jimmy.\\xa0 I never shaved it.\\u201d
Jimmy blinks owlishly, then steers the panel van into a gravel lot next to a large, dilapidated building with the bridge looming close by, close enough that brackish water seeped up through the gravel all around them when they stepped out.
Steve looked around.\\xa0 \\u201cSomebody could urban renew this shit, put in a boardwalk, turn this into something.\\u201d
\\u201c It\\u2019s gotta fit in with the history, it\\u2019s how we do things around here,\\u201d Jimmy answered, as he fiddles the latch where a snapped-off combination lock hangs.
Yvonne crowded in closer to Steve.
\\u201cThere\\u2019s some sort of shape over there.\\xa0 Looks like a dead raccoon or something.\\u201d
Jimmy doesn\\u2019t turn around.
\\u201cI\\u2019m a plumber for the city.\\xa0 If it ain\\u2019t got at least one shoe sticking up we don\\u2019t check it out.\\u201d
Steve was about to ask Yvonne if she was rolling, get her focus back, when something came out of the darkness ahead with a sound like THWIP THWIP THWIP and suddenly the blackness around Steve w'