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b'Episode Notes
Clowns are funny, right? Well not when you find out the true dark secrets of these creatures that walk amongst us handing out balloons and laughter... Is that a chuckle you\'re hearing or a blood curdling scream?!
Fun in Funerals by David O\'Hanlon
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Music by Ray Mattis http://raymattispresents.bandcamp.com
Produced by Daniel Wilder
This episode sponsored by HenFlix.com
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Transcript:
The death of a Clown is no laughing matter.\\xa0
It leaves a bleak, unhappy void in the universe equal to the amount of Joy the departed had caused. Fennis Farcemeister, Whiteface of the Amityville shudder, had brought happiness to millions. His body rested in the lavender casket with his bright red shoes sticking straight up and his orange hair jutting over the side. Before him, a pedestal\\u2014too large for its contents\\u2014stood erect as a grim reminder of the task to come. The remainder of his shudder mourned in their own ways while they awaited the arrival of Pastor Crumb.\\xa0
\\u201cHow are we supposed to close the lid?\\u201d Popsy Pringle asked gruffly, wiggling the toe of Fennis\\u2019 shoe. \\u201cMight as well just slap some Crocs on him.\\u201d
\\u201cYou don\\u2019t have to be in such a hurry, Popsy,\\u201d Sweet P. Cheepskate sobbed.
Sweet\\u2019s brother, Blippy, put an arm around her shoulders and nodded in agreement. The twins were the shudder\\u2019s resident tramps. The tears rolled down Blippy\\u2019s rotund cheeks and disappeared in the smear of his greasepaint beard. The siblings both focused on the pedestal or, more accurately, the egg resting atop it. Blippy chewed his lip nervously and tipped his torn top hat respectfully.\\xa0
\\u201cWe all know you\\u2019ll be the next Whiteface,\\u201d he said softly. \\u201cYou don\\u2019t have to be so eager to take it. Callousness is for humans. Clowns are better than that.\\u201d
Popsy groaned and gave his nose a squeak. \\u201cSpare me.\\u201d
Blippy gasped at the insulting gesture and sobbed on his sister\\u2019s shoulder.
Waldo Tatters\\u2019 tie-dye shitkickers clopped across the wood floors with his spurs jangling until he stood before the egg. Its scaly, vermillion shell was painted with Fennis\\u2019 likeness and locks of his hair snipped and glued to the sides. Every Clown had an egg in their shudder\\u2019s reliquary. Waldo traced his finger across the curve of the egg. He took off his cowboy hat and pressed it to his denim shirt. Rodeo clowns were rogues and rarely allowed membership in a shudder. Fennis saw beyond Waldo\\u2019s wily, psychotic, demeanor, however.
\\u201cDon\\u2019t you worry none, pardner,\\u201d the cowboy said, lowly. \\u201cWe won\\u2019t take too long.\\u201d
\\u201cWe\\u2019d better not.\\u201d Popsy checked his oversized watch. \\u201cWhere the hell is Crumb? No one likes a sad Clown.\\u201d
Sweet squirmed uncomfortably in her pew. She\\u2019d see a Pierrot once. It was the worst thing that could happen to a Clown.\\xa0
The Code called for funerary games so that the laughter of the shudder could carry the soul to the Palace of Joy. If the games didn\\u2019t appease the soul of the departed Clown however, it would become trapped in the void, and they would return as a Pierrot\\u2014a hideous, undead monstrosity that devoured flesh and spread coulrophobia. You can\\u2019t bring Joy if the audience thinks you might eat their faces.\\xa0
\\u201cThe Code don\\u2019t cop to convenience,\\u201d Waldo reminded him. He looked at the flower on Fennis\\u2019 lapel. Its pedals danced in the artificial wind of the oscillating fan, but Fennis remained still. \\u201cRather get on with the Chase myself, all the same.\\u201d
\\u201cIt\\u2019ll be a hell of a blow-off.\\u201d Blippy tugged the handkerchief from his breast pocket dragging out an extra three feet of multi-colored linen. He blew his nose on it and folded it back into his pocket. A sad smile stretched across his chubby cheeks. \\u201cFennis will be able to rest easy in the Palace seeing the party we threw for him.\\u201d
\\u201cGonna be a different kinda party, if\\u2019n we don\\u2019t get a move on.\\u201d Waldo patted the egg and sighed. He turned to Popsy. \\u201cWho\\u2019s the peckerhead anyway?\\u201d
\\u201cHis name is Al,\\u201d a new voice said. \\u201cAl Musing.\\u201d
The shudder turned their attention to the tiny, trapezoidal door leading to the church\\u2019s rectory. Pastor Crumb\\u2019s four-foot height made it through the door easily, but the prisoner he escorted on a leash took to crawling on his knees to fit through. Pastor Crumb jerked backward as the leather strap went taut. He huffed and waited for the prisoner to catch up, using the moment to attend an urgent itch south of his bulging belly.
\\u201cAl doesn\\u2019t like Clowns,\\u201d the Pastor said. He adjusted the white collar beneath his second chin. \\u201cI imagine he\\u2019s really going to hate us after tonight.\\u201d
The shudder laughed.\\xa0
Al tried to stand when eighteen-inches of checkered vinyl kicked him square between the shoulders. Popsy knelt on the human\\u2019s back and held his hand out to Pastor Crumb.
\\u201cEnough propriety. Give me the biscuit.\\u201d
Crumb took the revolver from the inside of his jacket and twirled it clumsily on his finger. He shook his head. \\u201cWe have one more point of business.\\u201d He waved for Popsy to move.\\xa0
The Auguste Clown growled, but rose nonetheless. Popsy rolled his gloved hand theatrically and gave a phony bow. He slapped the toe of his shoe down on Al\\u2019s face.\\xa0
\\u201cThere\\u2019s no reason for you to get up,\\u201d he said around the nub of the smoldering stogie between his yellowed teeth. \\u201cGet on with it, Pastor.\\u201d
\\u201cFennis Farcemeister was a Clown of the highest order. We gather here not just to honor the Code,\\u201d He glared over his shoulder at Popsy, \\u201cnor to anoint a new Whiteface. We are here to say a final goodbye to a Clown that was more than a mere leader or friend. Fennis was a mentor when we were ignorant, a father when we were alone, and a force of will when we were rebellious. He brought Joy to the humans like no other Clown before him, and in doing so he restored this shudder to a place of reverence among all Clown-kin.\\u201d
\\u201cAmen, Pastor Crumb,\\u201d Sweet agreed.
\\u201cFennis did such wondrous works in his two-and-a-half centuries,\\u201d Crumb continued. \\u201cWhy, if it weren\\u2019t for him, we might not even have the squirting flower gag. He took juggling to new heights, literally, by doing it on the tightrope. He restored the pooting bag to glory when he showed the humans how to make their whoopee cushions. There has never been a more beloved and potent Clown than Fennis, and never shall there be. We have made a grand day of remembrance; however, the time has now come to say our final goodbye.\\u201d
\\u201cGoodbye,\\u201d they all shouted in unison.
Pastor Crumb flipped the lid of the casket shut on Fennis\\u2019 corpse. It remained propped open by the bulbous toes of his shoes. The shudder chuckled at Fennis\\u2019 final gag. Crumb\\u2019s belly jiggled with raucous laughter. His laughter cut off as abruptly as hitting pause. His smile fell and the greasepaint did nothing to hide the dour expression etched on his face.
\\u201cAl Musing, you have been chosen as the guest of honor,\\u201d Crumb grumbled. He waved his fingers to signal Popsy away. \\u201cA Clown is dead, a human must die. That is the Code to which both our kind are bound.\\u201d
Al stood up slowly and tore the burlap sack off his head. He glared around the room at each of the Clowns. \\u201cYou got to be fucking kidding me.\\u201d
\\u201cDo we look like the joking kind?\\u201d Blippy asked.
Sweet stood and sauntered to the casket. She dragged a wicker basket from underneath its stand and knelt with a smile toward Al before dumping the contents out. Her aquamarine hair tapered to fuchsia ends that acted like arrows directing all gazes to the struggling buttons of her unkempt hobo-chic blouse. It took great effort, but finally Al\\u2019s eyes jumped from the cleavage to the cleavers skittering across the floor. They were oversized and ancient, specked with rust and old blood, and accompanied by matching mallets.\\xa0
\\u201cSo,\\u201d Al cleared his throat, \\u201cwhich one of you makes balloon animals?\\u201d
\\u201cWe all do, dummy,\\u201d Blippy informed him.
\\u201cGood. Start with a cock and go fuck yourselves.\\u201d
Waldo chuckled. \\u201cPardner\\u2019s got some guts.\\u201d
\\u201cI\\u2019ll be wearing them like a big, pink boa,\\u201d Sweet hissed sordidly. The blade of her cleaver scraped a divot in the floor. \\u201cI\\u2019ll keep you alive while I pull them out, so you can tell me how ravishing I look before I split your skull open.\\u201d
\\u201cAs appealing as that sounds, how about we just split and fuck each other silly?\\u201d Al winked and blew her a kiss.
Blippy jumped up fast enough to knock the church pew over. \\u201cThat\\u2019s my sister, dickweed!\\u201d
\\u201cYour sister?\\u201d Al gave the Clown a critical onceover. \\u201cYour mom had an affair.\\u201d
\\u201cYou sonofabitch!\\u201d
\\u201cEnough tomfoolery,\\u201d Crumb shouted. He jammed the revolver into Al\\u2019s waistband. \\u201cWe\\u2019re not animals. We\\u2019ll give you a shot\\u2026 but just the one.\\u201d\\xa0
\\u201cFuck it. Why not?\\u201d Al pulled the leash off his neck and threw it down. \\u201cWhat\\u2019s the game?\\u201d
\\u201cTime for games has passed,\\u201d Popsy said. \\u201cThe Chase begins now. All you got to do is survive until midnight.\\u201d
Al grabbed Popsy\\u2019s hand. The Clown jerked away, but Al held firm and turned his arm over to look at the face of the oversized watch. Forty-seven minutes remaining.\\xa0
\\u201cProbably be easier just to kill you all,\\u201d Al suggested.
\\u201cThat\\u2019s funny.\\u201d Popsy shoved Al away from him. \\u201cYou\\u2019re a real comic\\u2026 Al.\\u201d
\\u201cChoke on my McNuggets, Ronald.\\u201d Al jogged for the doors.\\xa0
The Clowns set off giant party poppers, showering him with confetti and whooped with excitement behind him. Once he was outside, he took in his surroundings quickly. A polka dot Volkswagen Beetle was parked along the front of the Clown church which looked more like a converted funhouse with its colorful fa\\xe7ade and odd angles. It was also smackdab in the middle of fucking nowhere. Rows of tombstones extended as far as he could see by the moonlight.\\xa0
\\u201cThink, Al. You need a plan.\\u201d
He had a head start, a gun with one bullet, an'