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b'Episode Notes
Being out of work sucks, especially when that\'s how you value yourself. But what if you have another calling, a deeper calling... a DARKER calling...
Torture and Other Job Skills by Killian Crane
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Produced by Daniel Wilder
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Transcript:
Have you ever been laid off?
I had my dream job in management. Good benefits, great pay. Small company, room to grow. Every day at work was a genuine pleasure. Most people say that to kiss their boss\\u2019s ass. But not me. I loved my job.
When Debra left me, the job was all I had. I poured my soul into it. Those under me, they didn\\u2019t understand. They whispered behind my back, called me, \\u201cpushy, tight ass... nut job.\\u201d Some of them even called HR on me.
They couldn\\u2019t understand. I demand nothing but the best from my team. Do your job to the best of your ability and we\\u2019ll have no problem. Do sloppy work, and I will make sure you face the consequences. And as for all the whispers behind my back, what they failed to realize was that my methods worked. I was by far the best manager at my job. Punctual, organized, efficient. Those under me knew my expectations. You see, people are like coal. If you put enough heat and pressure on coal, it becomes a diamond. Diamonds are the standard we should all strive to achieve.
One thing I cannot stand is failure. I punished those that failed me. There are far too many weaklings in the workforce. The answer of course isn\\u2019t to fire them on the spot, that\\u2019s a waste of coal. But punishment, that\\u2019s the answer. More heat, more pressure. There\\u2019s a diamond in there somewhere.
I was the best at making diamonds... until this fucking COVID-19 virus. I will never forget the day my boss Ryan called me into his office.
The first words out of his mouth were, \\u201cI\\u2019m sorry I have to do this.\\u201d
He was flat, formal, and precise. I sank into my chair. He said some more things about the virus, uncertain times, cutbacks in every department. Across the board, he said...
I didn\\u2019t listen to all that. I was too busy looking into his eyes. They said everything I needed to hear. He wasn\\u2019t sorry, not at all. He wanted me gone.
I couldn\\u2019t help but cry. It was unsightly and unprofessional, but the job was my everything, my only thing. And he took it from me.
He leaned back in his chair and sighed.
\\u201cIt came from corporate. Nothing I can do.\\u201d
Years of service, up in smoke.
As COVID made a killing, so did delivery services. I had everything delivered to my apartment; food, basic supplies, alcohol. Not that I was afraid of the virus, I just... didn\\u2019t have the strength to go outside. I was a failure. Me, the best employee in my division, possibly in the entire company... had been laid off. Let go. I knew it had nothing to do with the virus. That was just an excuse for the higher ups to trim the fat.
I never thought of myself as fat before then. Fat was something gross to be discarded. I hated myself, but more, I hated everything else.
I started the search for a new job immediately. I updated my already outstanding resume, surfed the appropriate websites. Someone would have me.
My bed became my new office as I searched. My laptop lay to my right, next to the television remote, the pretzels, the two liters, the whiskey, the box wine... I used the same cup for everything. Saved time during the search. Every time I went to the door for a delivery, I had to kick the daily paper out of the way. Despite the pandemic, the paper never stopped coming. Over time, they became a pile next to the door. They had their own ozone, their smell of ink and paper so much more pleasant than the rest of the place. It was funny. The world shut down, but not the mail. Should have been a mailman, I thought. Definite job security.
Of course, there were no mail jobs available. There were almost no jobs available. And the ones that were disappeared fast. The market was more dog eat dog than ever. I\\u2019d send in my resume and check back the next day to find the position no longer available. And I hadn\\u2019t gotten a call. Their loss, I thought... but then more and more listings disappeared. Blinking out like stars in the night sky.
When the check from the government came in, that was the worst. I\\u2019m sure it thrilled some people to receive one, but not me. I felt like a leech. More than anything, I wanted to work. To earn my way. But the night sky had grown dark, and so had my apartment.
In the darkness, I fantasized about hurting Ryan. A lot. I wished it was just me and him and a fucking pipe wrench...
Those weeks were hard on my ex, Debra. She called me often. I remember standing in my bathrobe at the window talking to her. The view was nothing spectacular, but it was nice to stand in the sun and listen to her voice. Too bad I couldn\\u2019t see her in person; she\\u2019d caught the damn virus.
\\u201cI\\u2019m worried about you,\\u201d she said weakly between wheezes.
I held my phone in the crook of my neck, checking my robe for smells. I\\u2019d flipped it inside out a few times in the past week. It itched, but I had a fix for that. A sort of numb-all recipe I\\u2019d perfected.
\\u201cMe?\\u201d I asked on my way to concoct the recipe. I accidentally stepped in a puddle. Liquid seeped through my sock and in between my toes, \\u201cDon\\u2019t worry about me. Hey, this might cheer you up. I found out today they shut down my entire department. Even Ryan, the asshat that fired me, lost his job. And I think he has COVID!\\u201d
\\u201cYou shouldn\\u2019t laugh at that,\\u201d she said, \\u201cCOVID\\u2019s no joke. I\\u2019m not liking it so far.\\u201d
\\u201cWell, I hope it fucking kills him. Hang on, let me put you on speaker.\\u201d
I put the phone down on the table. It was tough to find free space, so I knocked a takeout container to the floor. Globs of congealed rice spilled onto the hardwood.
\\u201cI know you loved your job, but you shouldn\\u2019t say things like that.\\u201d
My old job... it was why she left me to begin with. Late work hours, dates cancelled, time missed and all that. As she droned on about what the fuck ever, I poured myself the perfect numb-all. Three fingers of red wine, two fingers of bottom shelf whiskey. Pour over ice and slosh until mixed. Only one more ingredient...
\\u201cNo, I\\u2019m not,\\u201d I said, holding a little orange bottle. I wasn\\u2019t sure if that was the right response or not. Based on her silence, it wasn\\u2019t.
Debra had left the bottle here at our- my apartment after a surgery on her knee. My supply of the last ingredient was low. The pills rattled as I popped the top and fished one out.
Debra snorted.
\\u201cYou\\u2019re being strange today.\\u201d
\\u201cEh.\\u201d
\\u201cIs there any way I could maybe see you, you know, after I get better? I\\u2019m just\\u2026 tired of being cooped up.\\u201d
I put the pill on my tongue and washed it down with a sip of my drink. Numb all coming right up.
\\u201cWe\\u2019ll have to see. I\\u2019m just so\\u2026 busy these days.\\u201d
\\u201cBusy?\\u201d
\\u201cYeah, sorry\\u2026 can\\u2019t... can\\u2019t talk right now, I\\u2019m at work.\\u201d
She went silent for a while before finally saying something terrible.
\\u201cTake care of yourself, okay?\\u201d
\\u201cHey,\\u201d I said, ice clinking as I downed the rest of my drink, \\u201cwho\\u2019s my pretty girl?\\u201d I licked my lips and tasted the world slowing down.
Debra had a tattoo on the small of her back, a purple butterfly. Thinking about it made me the numb-all version of hard.
\\u201cStop,\\u201d she said, \\u201cyou know it\\u2019s not like that anymore.\\u201d
\\u201cCome on,\\u201d I slurred, touching myself. I tried to hide the slur, but that hadn\\u2019t been my first drink of the day. Or my first pill.
\\u201cWho\\u2019s my pretty girl? Smile for me.\\u201d
\\u201cCall me sometime, will you?\\u201d
Fucking bitch, I thought before hanging up. Oh, how I wanted to fuck her brains out, and maybe more. If only...
Oh well, I thought, eyes bobbing listlessly upon the fucking wreck that was my apartment.
Before, I kept things spotless and sanitary. I did my laundry the second the hamper filled up, wash, dry, fold, iron, put away. Now there were dirty clothes on every piece of furniture, empty bottles and containers on every flat surface. The floor was a minefield of trash and puddles. The smell of household cleaners and soap was gone, replaced by something... sad.
The only agreeable smell came from the pile of papers near the front door. It\\u2019s ozone of pressed ink smelled so nice\\u2026
I blacked out then, not sure for how long. I woke lying on the ground in a half-dried puddle of piss, my head nestled against the help wanted section.
And then it came to me\\u2026
The help wanted section! Why hadn\\u2019t I thought of it before?
How stupid had I been? Of course, all the job positions would be online, but what if\\u2026?
I tore into the pile. That ozone of ink and paper stained my fingers as I flipped and tore and read. Loose sheets crumpled and flew away. I didn\\u2019t care about the news; everyone knew the world was going to hell already. I devoured the job ads, holding them in the light pouring through the window.
And I was right! Every single paper had the same offer! Every single one of them!
\\u201cManagement position. Job is challenging and a test of dedication and skill. Nothing but excellence will be accepted.\\u201d
I danced with joy, kicking trash and splashing in puddles as I spun around and around. I tripped over my couch and busted my lip on the armrest, but stood with not a care in the world! The answer had been in front of me all along! Everyone had missed it because no one reads the paper anymore!
There wasn\\u2019t a phone number to call, only an address. I had no time to shower. Some other desperate fuck might find the ad too. I laughed at his misfortune.
\\u201cSorry, pal,\\u201d I screamed at the top of my lungs, \\u201cI\\u2019m gonna beat you to it!\\u201d
I tried calling Debra. She didn\\u2019t answer. I found that she\\u2019d cal'