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b'Episode Notes
Tonight Jimmy Flavor is a world class thief and he\'s taking on a demonic cult for fun and profit.
Jimmy Flavor\'s Last Day by David O\'Hanlon
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Music by Ray Mattis http://raymattispresents.bandcamp.com
Produced by Daniel Wilder
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Transcript:
Jimmy Flavor stood in the shower letting the water scald his back. He took a drag off the cigarette and watched the smoke disappear into the steam, the same way the water hid the tears. Through the gap in the plastic shower curtain, he could barely see the revolver sitting on the chipped countertop through the manmade fog. The water pressure was shit in the sleazy motel, but it got hot. Hot enough to scour away the last three days.\\xa0
Jimmy tried to ignore the knuckles rapping against the flimsy motel door. The television was blaring with an old war movie. The knocking turned to pounding. Jimmy listened to the rattle of machinegun fire through the TVs busted speakers. He leaned his head against the wall and took another long pull off the smoke before dropping it into the blood-tinged water pooling around his feet. It twisted and danced its way to the drain behind him.\\xa0
The boot hit the door and he heard the frame shatter. His fifty-dollar deposit wasn\\u2019t going to cover the damages. He bunched the shower curtain in his fist and stared at that damn gun. Flavio Jimenez wouldn\\u2019t have reached for it. But Flavio was a charcoal briquette in the trunk of a firebombed car sitting in an abandoned lot. Jimmy Flavor felt the first, cheap plastic ring snap off the curtain rod as he made his decision.
The more lives a man lives, the more deaths he dies.\\xa0
Three Days Ago
Flavio Jimenez tightened the tiny screws into place, one after the other in the cramped cellphone repair kiosk located around the corner from the mall\\u2019s food court. He shifted uncomfortably on the cracked vinyl stool as the aroma of Hamburger Hamlet\\u2019s kitchen wafted around him like a malicious spirit, leaving in its wake a slime trail of grease that Flavio could feel oozing through the pores of his skin. He powered on the tablet, unlocked the screen and turned it off again before sliding it into the envelope with the customer\\u2019s contact information on it and placing it in the \\u2018service completed\\u2019 drawer beneath the counter.
Dweeb Space 9 was the premier cellphone and tablet repair service provider for eastern Oklahoma\\u2014at least that\\u2019s what the sign said. Flavio opened another oversized plastic bag and removed the archaic Nokia 8210. The customers were celebrating their twenty-year anniversary and wanted to recover their first text messages. He pressed the power button for no result and, of course, there was no charger included. He swiveled on the stool and pulled open the drawer for antique accessories. The cords were organized in a tangled ball wrapped in duct tape inside a grocery sack. Flavio sighed and dropped the bag on the counter. It\\u2019d be worth noting that he hated his job, if he liked any facet of his life at all.
He did not.
Flavio didn\\u2019t live, so much as he existed. In school, his grades stayed just high enough to graduate and he didn\\u2019t participate in any extracurriculars. Since no one was offering attendance scholarships, he went to work at Dweeb Space 9 and continued to stay there for the next seven years. He lived with his mother and sister and helped with the cleaning because he couldn\\u2019t cook anything that didn\\u2019t come with instructions on the box. His father was the risk taker and they lived comfortably on the life insurance as a result. It taught Flavio at an early age, not to do more than absolutely necessary.\\xa0
Mediocrity was a lifestyle he was born to, with a slight build and average face which he kept hidden behind a shaggy mop of black hair and perpetual five o\\u2019clock shadow. Flavio hated his hair because it reminded him of how stupid his name was. He was not \\u2018yellow-haired\\u2019 not that anyone in Etawa, Oklahoma knew that\\u2019s what it meant. Flavio was the butt of his own inside joke. It was a name that led everyone to believe he spoke Spanish, which caused him both irritation and shame since he did not. The worst part, however, was his best friend CK. Since their first meeting in sixth-grade, CK insisted that Flavio must be Spanish for\\u2014
\\u201cYo, Flavor!\\u201d CK shouted as he jogged to the kiosk.
No matter how many times he said it, or how many Spanish dictionaries he was given, Chandler \\u2018CK\\u2019 Kosinski insisted that Flavio meant \\u2018flavor\\u2019 and refused to call him anything else.
\\u201cAren\\u2019t you supposed to be at work?\\u201d Flavio asked.
\\u201cJobs are for people that don\\u2019t like making money.\\u201d CK waved at the DS9 sign. \\u201cCase and point.\\u201d
\\u201cYou got fired again.\\u201d Flavio prodded the Nokia\\u2019s charging port with one unidentified cord after another. \\u201cJust find something that doesn\\u2019t suck and stick with it.\\u201d
\\u201cOr,\\u201d CK leaned on the counter and glanced around before continuing, \\u201cwe could do one night\\u2019s work and make enough to buy this kiosk and make a living off dumbass high school kids\\u2026 or guys with absolutely no forward momentum, like yourself.\\u201d
\\u201cThat\\u2019s the worst motivational speech ever. Ha! Got it.\\u201d Flavio set about freeing the correct cord from the tangle. \\u201cWhat is this one night\\u2019s work?\\u201d
\\u201cI told my priest about my side gig at confession,\\u201d CK said.
\\u201cStealing copper isn\\u2019t a side gig, it\\u2019s a felony, but please continue.\\u201d
\\u201cSo is stealing nudes off those phones, but I know you got a collection.\\u201d
\\u201cIt\\u2019s a service fee for all the dick pics I have to see.\\u201d Flavio looked up from his work with a sour expression. \\u201cDid you know people are putting domino pieces in their dicks now? Why is that a thing?\\u201d
CK cocked his head and scowled. \\u201cI never realized how happy I was not knowing a thing until I learned that was a thing I didn\\u2019t know. Can I get back to the fucking point, Flavor?\\u201d
Flavio rolled his hand in an exaggerated call for CK to continue.
CK looked around to make sure no one was close enough to hear him. \\u201cSo, Father Roland came to me the other day and said someone robbed the church and he wants to hire a couple guys to go get it back. He asked if I knew any hardcore, stick-up men and I told him I had the perfect guy. A real fucking professional thief.\\u201d CK snapped his fingers and pointed a finger-gun right between Flavio\\u2019s eyes.
\\u201cYou told your priest that I was a thief?\\u201d Flavio pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.\\xa0
\\u201cKind of.\\u201d CK scratched at his platinum goatee. \\u201cI told him about a guy named Jimmy Flavor. I said he was this hotshot bank robber from Texas. Look, it\\u2019s an easy job but Roland won\\u2019t hire me unless I bring in someone with experience.\\u201d
\\u201cYou want me to lie to a priest, so he\\u2019ll hire us to steal shit? That\\u2019s the most Catholic thing you\\u2019ve ever said, CK.\\u201d
\\u201cSix-figures, Flavor. That\\u2019s what he\\u2019s offering.\\u201d\\xa0
Flavio\\u2019s face ruined any feigned disinterest.
\\u201cGet cleaned up.\\u201d CK slapped some folded twenties on the counter. \\u201cCut your hair, shave that depression off your face, put on your club clothes, and meet me at the church in the morning. This is the kind of opportunity that could change your life, bro. One night of taking a fucking chance for a change and then you can go back to stagnating in normalcy.\\u201d
\\u201cJimmy Flavor, huh?\\u201d Flavio tried not to smile as he said it. That was a much better name than \\u2018Flavio Jimenez.\\u2019 His gut twisted with a feeling he didn\\u2019t recognize at first. Then it hit him\\u2014he was excited. \\u201cWhat time?\\u201d

Flavio slept in a succession of short naps\\u2014a victim at the mercy of his own excitement and anxiety. He was already up and looking at the stranger in the mirror when the alarm went off behind him. His shaggy mane was replaced with a short-cropped fade and the scruff on his face was nothing but a tidy soul patch below his lip. He smoothed the collar of his red, flame-adorned overshirt and shut off the alarm before heading outside.\\xa0
Flavio\\u2019s car was the only extraordinary thing about him. The 1953 Bel Air his grandfather bought new, and his father restored before his death, was Flavio\\u2019s only love. He cruised across town, wringing the steering wheel the entire drive. When he pulled up to the curb outside Saint Anthony of Thebes Catholic Church, CK was already waiting. He sat on the hood of his Kia Optima and talked to an elderly priest. Flavio watched them in the mirror for a moment, looked at himself and took a deep breath.\\xa0
\\u201cYou\\u2019re not Flavio Jimenez anymore. You\\u2019re a hardcore criminal. Act like it.\\u201d He got out of the car and strolled over to the other men with a false confidence he hoped hid the shaking in his knees. He nodded to CK.\\xa0
\\u201cThis is the guy I was telling you about, Father.\\u201d CK slid off the chipped, dented hood. \\u201cMeet Jimmy Flavor.\\u201d
Flavio eyed the priest suspiciously. \\u201cYou don\\u2019t look like a criminal mastermind.\\u201d
\\u201cI\\u2019m Father Roland.\\u201d The priest didn\\u2019t offer his hand, which was busy manipulating the beads of a rosary. \\u201cWhat I\\u2019m hiring you for is hardly criminal. You\\u2019ll be acting with the full blessing of the Vatican.\\u201d
Flavio looked to CK and then back to the priest and scoffed. \\u201cDon\\u2019t dip shit in sugar and call it a cookie, padre. You asked for a thief because you want thievery. Things that don\\u2019t belong to you now, are going to by the morning. That\\u2019s what you need to know. How about you cut the \\u2018mission from God\\u2019 line and get to the part where you tell me what I need to know to make that happen.\\u201d
CK\\u2019s eyes were wide with disbelief and Flavio hoped his didn\\u2019t match. He wasn\\u2019t brash or disrespectful. But apparently, Jimmy Flavor was. Even his voice sounded different. It was deeper, with an edge that made Flavio uncomfortable. The priest nodded and smacked hi'