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b'Episode Notes
Stealing from the dead isn\'t a terrible way to make a living, it just takes a little getting used to. But what happens when a grave tries to STEAL YOU in return?!
Grave Consequences by Killian Crane
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Produced by Daniel Wilder
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Transcript:
Dennis\\u2019 shovel bit into packed dirt. Years of practice told him he\\u2019d passed the five foot marker. Only a few more inches and his blade would strike the coffin lid.
This was one of the good cemeteries. It was off of a main road, but the town was sleepy and there were no lights. No lights meant he could park damn near on top of the grave. He wouldn\\u2019t have to lug everything from a block or two away. As an added bonus, the night dripped with a heavy fog. It would be impossible to see his electric lantern from a distance.\\xa0
Mr. Pyles told him to look for an old money tombstone, and he wasn\\u2019t kidding. The once lavish tombstone had a statue of a weeping angel wielding a sword staring down at Dennis as he worked. At the angel\\u2019s feet read \\u201cHere lies Vanya Mills.\\u201d Her birth year was worn away, but she died in \\u201862. Chances were, anyone coming to check on dear old Vanya was either an old fart or buried close by.\\xa0
He dug faster, feeling sweat drip down his chin. He learned long ago to keep plenty of sweat rags handy for long nights, and there was a fresh beach towel already waiting for him in the driver\\u2019s seat of his truck. He had a change of shoes in his covered bed, where he\\u2019d place his muddy boots and tools of the trade in one large trash bag and his haul in another. If it was too big, he\\u2019d just wrap it in painter\\u2019s plastic and tape it up.\\xa0
Once upon a time, Dennis was something of a jack of all trades. A pipe fitter when he could pass a drug test, a construction hand when he couldn\\u2019t, and a thief in between.
It was a stroke of genius that he found his favorite form of larceny; grave robbing.\\xa0
Many homeowners were getting home security systems. The ones with anything worth stealing, anyway. The same was basically true of people. You\\u2019d never guess who all was packing across the country. Sure, some places had hinky gun laws, but that didn\\u2019t stop granny from carrying a .45. Dennis knew that from experience. Several years ago he held up an old woman and she pulled heat on him. Luckily her hands shook something fierce. The .45 rang his ears, but didn\\u2019t ventilate him. Dennis had enough gumption to snatch the revolver from her hands. He retaliated, stomping granny\\u2019s ass into the ground. She had just been protecting herself, but she damn near killed him. To teach her a lesson, Dennis made sure she had the ass whooping of her long life.
When he found the only thing of value she had was the revolver and a coin purse with a whopping $5 in change, he decided that robbing people was just too much drama.
That night, he used the $5 to get a coffee at a local diner. The night had been rough, so sweet thang at the counter wasn\\u2019t getting a tip. The local paper was on the counter, opened to the obits.
One in particular caught his eye. A local heiress, pretty little thing, probably in her forties, had kicked the bucket. She wore something intricate around her neck. The black and white picture didn\\u2019t do the thing justice, but he could tell it was gold and diamonds. It was then he had an idea.
While he waited for her to be buried, Dennis pawned the .45 for $300, then went to the hardware store for the things he thought he\\u2019d need; a shovel, crowbar, mallet, good rope, bolt cutters, flashlights and a lamp, towels and large trash bags. It all came out to just under $200. Another $85 went to a shit hole motel nearby, and the last $15 to his name went to a good hot meal. He had a full night\\u2019s work ahead of him, and needed to have his strength up.
Once he was at the cemetery, he realized just how brilliant his plan was. Graveyards were empty at night. The dead made people uneasy, except goth kids but they were easy to scare off. Another plus, there were no pigs on patrol. Small town pigs couldn\\u2019t be bothered that late when there was a car to sleep in or donuts to suck on. Best of all, graves didn\\u2019t call the police or shoot back. They were buried treasure, waiting to be plundered.
As he dug up the heiress\\u2019s grave, he had this feeling of destiny. This was what he was truly put on the earth for. His shovel bit greedily into the dirt. Like a first date, he was both nervous and excited to meet little Miss Money. When he finally felt the thunk of his shovel on her coffin lid, he scraped away enough of the dirt to put his hand on bare wood.
He gave the coffin a little knock.
\\u201cYou in there, sweet thang?\\u201d
No answer.
\\u201cDon\\u2019t you worry. I\\u2019m on my way.\\u201d
He cleared the dirt away from the top and the sides, and slid his crowbar under the lip of the lid.
It was like he was at the casino pulling the handle of a slot machine. Would he hit? Would he bust?
He pulled the crank, and the lid popped with a hiss. She still smelled sweet, like flowers.
He turned away, caught in a sneezing fit. Anything scented always did this to him. Well, damn near anything, really. He had a sensitive nose.
He sniffled, embarrassed that she saw him like this on their first meeting. But that embarrassment evaporated when he saw gold chain encrusted with diamonds around her pretty little neck.
Jackpot.
He took the necklace off her. She didn\\u2019t seem to mind. As he stared at her, he had another bright idea. She wasn\\u2019t doing anyone any good laying in that coffin. But maybe she could still be good to someone out there\\u2026
He threw the heiress over his shoulders and loaded her into the backseat of his sedan. It took a little doing to get her seated, on account of her being so stiff, but he got it done. Dennis buckled her in and covered his work. In the drivers seat, he wiped his forehead with an old bandanna. He saw her through the rear view mirror, staring at him. The glue holding her eyes closed had come undone.
It freaked Dennis out a little, but she was just a stiff. Nothing she could do anymore.
\\u201cI know this car ain\\u2019t what you\\u2019re probably used to,\\u201d he said, giving her a bashful smile, \\u201cbut I hope you enjoy the ride.\\u201d
He threw the sedan in drive and crept out of the cemetery.
To Dennis\\u2019 surprise; it didn\\u2019t take much searching to find a buyer for the heiress. Down a dirt road that the sedan didn\\u2019t like, he found the old ranch house of a Mr. Pyles. He was an old man with a look in his eye of terrible intelligence. He and Dennis shook, and he explained that he was a sort of\\u2026 artist. After viewing the heiress and seeing what he liked, he paid Dennis $2,000 for her in cold hard cash. He was floored, like a kid looking at the ocean for the first time.
Before Dennis could leave, Mr. Pyles fetched two glasses and a batch of moonshine from the cabinet. \\u201cYou got time for a drink?\\u201d the old man asked. \\u201cI got an offer you might like to hear.\\u201d
Dennis never was one to say no to good money, so he stayed for the drink.
\\u201cI been looking for someone like you,\\u201d Mr. Pyles said, \\u201cbeen looking a long while. You know, in the right hands, a dead body can be spun into gold.\\u201d\\xa0
He poured two shots of moonshine, and slid one to Dennis. \\u201cHow would you like to make this a regular thing?\\u201d
Dennis stared at the shot of moonshine, reminiscing about the thrill of the dig. He flexed his fingers, remembering the tension of his crowbar under the lid of the coffin...
For the sake of formality, had to ask. \\u201cWhat\\u2019s the pay?\\u201d
Mr. Pyles smiled. \\u201cSame for her, $2,000 a stiff. Anything on their person is a bonus for you, unless specifically instructed otherwise.\\u201d
For Dennis, it was a no brainer. They toasted. The moonshine burned on the way down, and their pact was forged.
Mr. Pyles gave him a burner phone, a name, a photo of a gravestone, and an address. Dennis set out immediately.
Things went that way for three good years. Since then, Dennis sold the sedan in favor of a four wheel drive truck with a long bed and a hard cover. An eight foot bed meant he could put a basketball player in the back if need be.
His new profession took him all across the country. He found that northern dirt didn\\u2019t give like the ground in the south, and the more rain a place got, the better for the older graves. Wet ground meant the coffins weren\\u2019t busted when he got to them. He wasn\\u2019t sure why that was, he just knew it meant he had to do less work. A busted coffin meant playing archaeologist, and on more than one occasion it resulted in a bust.
Despite his love of southern coffins, southern air played hell with his allergies. They were bad enough as it was, but the south really let him have it.
He caught a sneeze in the crook of his arm for probably the tenth time that night. The angle looked down at him scornfully.
\\u201cBless me,\\u201d he said, blowing a snot rocket at her feet before he kept digging.
Most of the houses near the cemetery looked like old money. Chances were, Vanya was probably a trophy wife for some local millionaire when she was alive, meaning she carried some trophies into the afterlife. Dennis hoped, anyway.\\xa0
He wondered if Vanya was feeling lonely down there. Maybe she was looking forward to finding a new friend in Mr. Pyles. He wasn\\u2019t sure what the old man did with any of the bodies. Dennis brought him all kinds of people at various stages of decay. He learned that graves over 50 years old were usually just the frame. He enjoyed those graves the best. Bones were easy to pick clean and load in the truck.
As he bit into the dirt, the shovel jolted with a thunk. \\u201cThar she be,\\u201d he whispered with a'