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b'Episode Notes
Most people fear death, but that is only the beginning. We learn all about the life of a Reaper, the trials, tribulations, and of course paperwork... Lots and lots of paperwork...
Reaper Requisitions by Christopher Dowell
Music by Ray Mattis
http://raymattispresents.bandcamp.com
Produced by Daniel Wilder
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Transcription:
She felt numb. She remembered that it was only a short time ago when she felt her breaths slow and her body begin to cool. Everything seemed hazy, almost as though there was a film over her eyes. She couldn\\u2019t explain the feeling, but it felt as if everything had become disconnected, almost as though \\u2014
Her front door burst open with a loud bang as a mist began to pour into her home. Everything shifted to a pale shade of blue as a bell rang from all around her. Crows began to caw despite there not being any indication of the carrion feeders anywhere nearby. But something strange shook through her body as the tolling of the bell resounded: She couldn\\u2019t feel her heartbeat despite the fear coursing through her. Then, with a final ringing of the bell, silence filled her home.
A figure clad in black robes and a hood obscuring its face floated through the room and pointed at her. \\u201cAsk not for whom the bell tolls,\\u201d the figure in the black robes bellowed in a deep, echoing voice. \\u201cIt tolls for thee.\\u201d
As the figure came closer to her, its boney finger motioning in a \\u201ccome hither\\u201d gesture, she screamed and ran as fast as she could to the back of her house and burst out of the back door.

\\u201cListen, running just makes us mad and makes our job harder, okay?\\u201d The woman and the figure she now knew as \\u201cthe reaper\\u201d stood in front of an elevator waiting for it to arrive. The reaper\\u2019s voice was now higher-pitched than it had been before. \\u201cPlus they won\\u2019t update our uniform. Seriously, running in these robes is annoying.\\u201d
The woman shook. \\u201cS-s-sorry.\\u201d
The reaper put its hand on the woman\\u2019s shoulder. She jumped. \\u201cIt\\u2019s alright. Dying isn\\u2019t easy and, well, the show I like to put on makes it a little worse. But you\\u2019ll thank me for making your death seem like a memorable and significant experience after you\\u2019ve finished the 8,000 years of paperwork it takes to get you properly set up in the afterlife.\\u201d
Tears began to form on the edges of the woman\\u2019s eyes.
\\u201cI\\u2019m kidding. It\\u2019s not that much paperwork. But it is seriously boring.\\u201d
The elevator dinged and the doors slid open. The reaper took the woman\\u2019s hand and led her inside. An uncountable number of buttons lined the walls of the elevator and the reaper pressed the lowest one. The elevator jerked to life as it descended. The reaper saw the woman clench and her body tighten.
\\u201cIt\\u2019s alright. Just because we\\u2019re going down doesn\\u2019t mean we\\u2019re \\u2018going down,\\u2019 if you know what I mean.\\u201d The reaper leaned against the wall. \\u201cYou might as well get comfortable. We\\u2019re going to be on this elevator for a while. If you have anything to ask, you\\u2019ve got the time before we get you processed.\\u201d
\\u201cProcessed?\\u201d The woman turned, her eyes wide as she stared into the black void inside the reaper\\u2019s hood.
\\u201cYeah. When we get to the ground floor you\\u2019ll get put in the department that best suits you. Or you could always choose to be a reaper, but, eh\\u2026 \\u201d The reaper trailed off as it stared into the woman\\u2019s eyes. \\u201cYou\\u2019re better off just going where they put you.\\u201d
\\u201cWhere they put me?\\u201d The woman looked away from the reaper\\u2019s hood. \\u201cWhat\\u2019s that supposed to mean?\\u201d
\\u201cIt\\u2019s not too complicated. You see, what you\\u2019ve been told about the afterlife is somewhat true, but there are some differences. First off, there\\u2019s no Heaven, Hell, eternal punishment, eternal paradise, or so on.\\u201d The reaper sat down on the elevator\\u2019s floor and motioned for the woman to join it. She didn\\u2019t. \\u201cWhat we have instead is a bureaucratic, \\u2018efficient\\u2019 business situation where people are assigned tasks based upon their strengths shown in life.\\u201d
\\u201cWait, then why are we going down?\\u201d
\\u201cBecause that\\u2019s where the Assignment desk is.\\u201d
The woman slumped to the floor, hitting a few buttons on the side of the wall as she did so. \\u201cSo you\\u2019re saying that all the good, all the bad I did in life doesn\\u2019t matter? You\\u2019re saying the only thing that matters is how good I am at filing documents?\\u201d
The reaper turned to look at her sitting on the floor beside him. \\u201cPaperwork, spreadsheets, flipping burgers, whatever career you\\u2019ve been found to excel at. Yeah. That\\u2019s exactly what I\\u2019m saying. Also,\\u201d the reaper motioned to the lit up buttons on the wall. \\u201cYou shouldn\\u2019t have done that. We\\u2019re going to be in this elevator forever now.\\u201d\\xa0
\\u201cWait, forever?\\u201d the woman\\u2019s eyes grew wide once more.
\\u201cNot literally forever. Maybe like 20 minutes. But it\\u2019ll feel like forever.\\u201d
The woman and the reaper sighed along with one another.

\\u201cListen, boss, we gotta talk.\\u201d The reaper burst through the office door as a man in a pinstripe suit jumped.
\\u201cHaven\\u2019t you heard of knocking, 7142?\\u201d the man said as he rearranged the paperwork on his desk.
\\u201cHaven\\u2019t you heard of keeping your promises?\\u201d
\\u201cI have no idea what you\\u2019re talking about, 7142, but if you have an issue, you know the proper procedure.\\u201d
The reaper sat down in an empty chair in front of the pinstripe-suited man\\u2019s desk. \\u201cListen, boss, I\\u2019m not going to go down to Complaints. It will take 70 years before you even get an acknowledgement that there\\u2019s a complaint filed, let alone know its content or go to Reparations to ensure that the complaint is received.\\u201d The reaper leaned forward. \\u201cNo, I\\u2019m not going to wait any longer.\\u201d
\\u201cWhatever are you talking about, 7142?\\u201d The pinstripe-suited man rubbed at his temples. \\u201cYou\\u2019ve got work to do. Those souls aren\\u2019t going to ferry themselves.\\u201d
The reaper stood up, knocking the chair over as he did so. \\u201cThat\\u2019s exactly why I\\u2019m here. When I took this job I was told I could retire once I ferried a billion souls. The woman I just brought down to Assignments makes 100 million more than that. I\\u2019m done, boss.\\u201d
The pinstripe-suited man opened a drawer and pulled out a file labeled \\u201c7142\\u201d and opened it. He licked his fingers as he leafed through the documents, stamping and initialing random pages as he did so. He leaned back in his chair.
\\u201cYou\\u2019re right, 7142. It seems you were due for retirement 100 million souls ago. However,\\u201d the pinstripe-suited man slid a form across his desk to the reaper, \\u201cif you look at your contract you\\u2019ll see that part of your retirement requires you to send in a request to train a replacement before you can resign. I have yet to receive a request to train a new reaper, 7142.\\u201d
The reaper snatched the paper off the pinstripe-suited man\\u2019s desk. It read the words on repeat and saw \\u2014 in the smallest print the reaper could read with squinted eyes \\u2014 that yes, at 1 billion souls he was to send a request form \\u2014 in quadruplicate \\u2014 to Reaper Requisitions for a recruit to train as an intern until which point said intern could perform tasks on its own.\\xa0
The reaper shook its head. \\u201cI need to take a long lunch today, boss. I have some paperwork to fill out.\\u201d
The pinstripe-suited man slid a form across his desk. \\u201cYou\\u2019ll need to fill this out and wait for approval before you can take your long lunch. And I\\u2019m also giving you an infraction for busting in here without an appointment. You know the rules.\\u201d
The reaper\\u2019s shoulders slumped, and it shook its head as it took the forms and a yellow paper infraction. That yellow piece of paper meant the reaper would have to bring in another million souls.

61 years after the meeting with its boss, the reaper received approval to take a long lunch. This meant the reaper gained an extra 10 minutes to its break-time.
When the reaper reached the Complaints Department, it already had its paperwork filled out and signed in quadruplicate. The reaper didn\\u2019t think it would take any longer to include a complaint about the robes. If approved, that complaint would allow the next generation of reapers to enjoy the freedom afforded to them by actual pants. But the reaper doubted it would get approved \\u2014 at least not any time soon.
After the reaper filed its request for an intern and its complaint about the robes its lunch had ended without it having time to eat anything. It would have to pick up something to eat during its next soul run. It wouldn\\u2019t be the first time the reaper had to eat on the job.

\\u201c7142,\\u201d the speaker rang out as the reaper sat in Reaper Requisitions 124 years after filing his request for an intern.
The reaper stood up and walked to the window where a woman in a pant-suit sat behind plexiglass. She didn\\u2019t look up at the reaper as she stamped stacks of papers, which was fine. It allowed the reaper some time to admire the woman\'s pants and long for the feeling of pleated fabric caressing its inner thighs. The woman cleared her throat, breaking the reaper out of its pants fantasy.
\\u201cGet to the point and stop dilly-dallying,\\u201d the pant-suited woman said, still not looking up at the reaper. \\u201cYou have no idea how busy it\\u2019s been for the past few centuries.\\u201d
\\u201cSorry.\\u201d
\\u201cSo you\\u2019re here for an intern, right? I hope you\\u2019re not here to keep inundating us with that uniform crap,\\u201d the pant-suited woman stopped stamping and looked at the reaper. \\u201cDo you have any idea how much more work a uniform change would cause?\\u201d
\\u201cI sure don\\u2019t. That\\u2019s not my department.\\u201d
The pant-suited woman scoffed. \\u201cOf course,\\u201d she continued moving papers and stamping them. \\u201cJust take this form and go down to processing and walk down the hall. There are recruits waiting there. Interview them and pick the best fit." The pant-suited woman slid a form to the reaper, and it took it.\\xa0
\\u201cI thought you all procured and interviewed the interns. I don\\u2019t have time to take off to interview them. Isn\\u2019t that exactly what your departmen'