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Published: March 2, 2023, 4 p.m.

When Cael Carzfinker, blade maiden of the ninth rank (etc., etc.) comes to the castle of Evil Wizard Mazurin to rescue a captive prince, the outcome is.... magical.

Cast List
Cael - Julie Hoverson
Amalan - Krystal Baker
Mazurin - Gareth Bowley
Gigli - Reynaud LeBoeuf
Prince Tupin - Abner Senires

Music:\xa0 Celestial Aeon Project and Matti Paalanen
Editing / Sound: \xa0 Julie Hoverson
Cover design:\xa0 Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it?\xa0 Why, it's a road through a
dark and spooky forest, leading up to an evil wizard's castle"

________________________________________________

\xa0

SWORD KVETCH

Cast:

Mazurin, Evil Wizard

Cael, Amazon Warrior

Tupin, Captive Prince

Gigli, Goblin

Amalan, Magic Sword

OLIVIA \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?\xa0 Why, it's the dark woods outside an evil castle, can't you tell?\xa0

MUSIC

AMB\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 SPOOKY NIGHT WOODS

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 WOLF HOWL IN THE DISTANCE

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 HOOVES ON DIRT UNDER

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sigh] Typical.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I could write a ballad already.\xa0

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, no.\xa0 No, no, no - that's not your job.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Shh.\xa0 I'm composing. [muttering to self]

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] [sigh] Typical.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Evil castle looms ahead....\xa0 Hmm...
Nighttime, need to rest my head--

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 You can't rhyme head with ahead.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 It rhymes, doesn't it?

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [exasperated sigh]

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [vague threat] I'm getting another sword.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 You always say that, but you know you couldn't do without me.\xa0

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [exasperated sigh]

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 And who could you ever pass me off to?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Someone deaf.

MUSIC

AMD\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 ECHOEY CASTLE

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS RUN IN

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [coming on]\xa0 Master!\xa0 Master!

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [distracted]\xa0 Mm?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Master!

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Shh-shh-shh.\xa0 [excited] Do you see what I have here, my smelly little homunculi?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 But master--!

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [tsks]\xa0 I've turned this drop of water into an equal measure of dust.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [flat] Why?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's a vital transmutation. \xa0A change like this could make a great deal of difference!

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 To a thirsty cockroach?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 No no, you have to see how, yes, on a tiny scale, this could be a negligible change--

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sigh] Sir?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 --But if you do this a million times at once, with a million drops of water, you could cause an entire lake to suddenly turn to dust, ruining agriculture.\xa0 And then, with a simple reverse, water from dust!

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Good.\xa0 Lovely.\xa0 Can I report now?\xa0 It's kind of urgent.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 FIDDLING ABOUT WITH BOTTLES, ETC.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [still distracted] \xa0Uh - what?\xa0 Yes, of course, go ahead.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Are you listening?

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 BOTTLE SET DOWN

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [distant]\xa0 Of course.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [exasperated] Oh!

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 BOTTLE SMASHES ON FLOOR

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?\xa0 Why did you--?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Listening now?\xa0

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [annoyed]\xa0 Yes, get on with it!

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Someone is approaching the castle!

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [losing interest] Oh, well - set up the defenses.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's an Amazon!

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [mildly interested]\xa0 Oh, that's different.\xa0 [shrug]\xa0 Still, the defenses...

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 The moat monster is in labor.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I thought it laid eggs.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, not after you did one of your little experiments on it.\xa0 And it's not best pleased about it.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 And the man-eating vines--?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?\xa0 I didn't do--\xa0 They're not giving birth, are they?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Think it through?

MAZURIN \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0What?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Man-eating vines?\xa0 Amazon warrior?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [realizing slowly]\xa0 Oh? \xa0Oh!

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sigh]

MUSIC

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 HOOFBEATS ON WOOD

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Cael, I don't like this.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 You mean the way nothing at all tried to stop us from strolling right up to the front door of the evil wizard's castle?

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sarcastic]\xa0 No, I meant the two-headed gargoyles - they're so passe'.\xa0 Of course that's what I mean!\xa0 There must be a trap--

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'll keep my eyes peeled.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Me too.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 You haven't any eyes.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Don't nitpick.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 HOOFBEATS STOP

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 TAPPING OF FINGERS ON THE POMMEL

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [musing]\xa0 No reception committee.\xa0 No moat monster....\xa0 The gargoyles?

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 They're tacky as hell, but I don't sense any magic there.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, then.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 DISMOUNT, HORSE NICKERS

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 POUNDING ON HUGE WOODEN DOOR

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Subtlety.\xa0 I like it.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's what I do.

MUSIC

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 DISTANT BANGING ON DOOR

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [calling from off] Master!

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Stop banging, Gigli.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [a little closer]\xa0 They're at the door!

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Tell them we don't want any.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [almost here] The Amazon?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, yes.\xa0 She got through the defenses--?\xa0 Oh, yes of course.\xa0

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What are you going to do?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, the usual.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sigh, down]\xa0 Send me to find out what she wants?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Good idea.\xa0 Let me know what she says.

MUSIC

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 POUNDING ON DOOR

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 If it's abandoned, that would explain the lack of defenses.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 The high council doesn't send a questor to an empty castle.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 They might not know.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yes.\xa0 [sarcastic] Why don't you just go and point that out--

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [yelling from off, above]\xa0 Hail, warrior!

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hmm.\xa0 Manners.\xa0 [up]\xa0 Who hails me?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I represent Mazurin, wizard of the crooked path, mage of the 8th tier, sorcerer--

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [muttered] Yeah, but can he dance?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [side of mouth] Shh.\xa0 [up] \xa0I have come to face your wizard.\xa0 Open the gate.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What is your charge?\xa0 Mazurin is an exceedingly busy mage.\xa0

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Crooking tiers?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [tiny sigh]\xa0 I am Cael Carzfinker, Blade maiden of the 9th rank, slayer of 3 gorgons, and participant in the slaughter of the great red armadillo of Murcie--

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 With a minor in [shudder] songwriting...

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 --and I am charged by the high council of her most royal majesty Luria the balladeer--

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [muttered] Ballbuster.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [trying not to react] --to find and recover the missing Prince Tupin of Vagon, with an eye toward marriage.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 And my boss is supposed to care - why?

CAEL\xa0 \xa0\xa0\xa0The scryes say the prince is here - a captive in durance vile under the thumb of this "boss" of yours.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Excessive.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 And thus have I come to reclaim him.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh!\xa0 Right.\xa0 Hold on, I'll tell the wizard.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Where'd he go?

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Ducked behind one of those excrescences.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I didn't see any of those.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [exasperated] The gargoyles.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 So we wait for the wizard to speak.\xa0

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 DRUMMING OF FINGERS

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, you're not--

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 "Green and crooked, small and beady"...\xa0 [searching for a rhyme] beady?\xa0 Beeeee-dy.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Eyes are beady.\xa0 He was more... seedy.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Ah!\xa0 "--Small and seedy, his locks were lank and eyes were beady".\xa0

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sigh]

MUSIC

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 SCRITCHING OF A PEN

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 SLAPPING FEET RUN UP

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [slightly puffed, laughing his ass off]\xa0 Sire!\xa0 She's here for him!

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOINK AS OF FINGER SNAPPED AGAINST SOMETHING GLASS

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Him?\xa0 Oh, well.\xa0 That's simple then - I'll just un-glaze him, and--

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 You can't just hand him over!

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Why not?\xa0 Then she'll go away.\xa0 Problem solved.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [exasperated sigh]\xa0 Tradition?\xa0 Ring a bell?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Tradition?\xa0 Oh, you're not going to say I have to fight to the death over a trifle like--

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 No! \xa0But you're supposed to make her do tasks to earn him, so she'll spread word of your cunning and deviousness.\xa0 [muttered] \xa0And so she'll keep him once she gets him.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh.\xa0 I'm far too busy to come up with some silly tasks.\xa0 What does tradition say?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'll make you up some note cards.\xa0 Want me to let her in?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 An... Amazon?\xa0 Don't they sleep in barns or something?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I certainly wouldn't want to be the one to suggest it to her.\xa0 I'll find her and tell her you will speak to her at dinner.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I will?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Tradition.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [pouting]\xa0 Fine.\xa0 Tell her, then come back and find me some [vague] ... robes.

MUSIC

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [off] ...This way, and the wizard will be with you shortly.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 BOOTED FEET ENTER ECHOEY HALL

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Roomy.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Kind of dusty, isn't it?

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hard to keep help in an evil castle.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [agreeing] Hmm.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 POOF!

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [booming voice]\xa0 Dusty?\xa0 Humph!

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 POOF!

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 WATER DRIPPING ALL OVER.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [doubtful]\xa0 Impressive?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [muttered]\xa0 Oh, drat.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [wiping her face]\xa0 Well, that's new.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 SPLAT OF WATER SHAKEN OFF

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [trying to save face "I meant to do that"] It's... something I've been working on.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 You could use it, back home.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Shh.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 You could finally get your quarters clean.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Shh!

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nothing.\xa0 [declaring]\xa0 Mighty Wizard, I have come to recover the most noble prince Tupin and bring him home to wed.\xa0 This is my quest.\xa0 [snarls] \xa0Do not stand in my way.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, of course not.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [hissed] Master!

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Huh?\xa0 Oh right - as long as-- um, you--

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered prompting] \xa0Can overcome my challenges three.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 --Can overcome three challenges.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [muttered] \xa0Close enough.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Of course.\xa0 Name your challenges.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [taken completely aback] Oh!\xa0 Well--

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] You forgot the cards? [stepping forward]\xa0 My great master will issue you each challenge at the break of dawn on three successive days.\xa0 Then you will have until sunset on the same day to complete each one.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Morning?\xa0 Why not start now?

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Tradition.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Tradition, milady.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Fine.\xa0 What now?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Dinner?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hmm.\xa0 How about showing me the prince, so I know I'm not wasting my time?

MUSIC

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 RINGING OF CRYSTAL

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, it's a guy.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 He's... glass?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Much less irritating that way.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [jumping in] For the great wizard finds the company of mere mortals a burden - he turns them into glass to show his mighty contempt.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 That's a lot of contempt.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 It\u2019s rather a lot of prince.\xa0 Ok, oh great wizard - let's just get this straight right up front.\xa0 When I beat your challenges, you'll turn him back to normal before letting me take him, right?\xa0

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 That goes without saying--

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 After the first challenge, he will be returned to flesh.\xa0 After the second, he will awaken, the third, you may take him.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Good, I don't want to have to cart around a giant glass statue - must weigh a ton.\xa0 And it would be rather unfortunate if I dropped him.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Not really.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nice.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 You said something about dinner?

MUSIC

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 DINING

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 More port, sire?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [dismissive] Yes, yes.\xa0 Now um, if you can picture this fork as an oncoming enemy--

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 CLINK OF FORK - clink clink clink

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Then the napkin - I mean the entrapment grass, remember - would of course slow him--

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Your port.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Over there, beside the battlefield.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [exasperated sigh]

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 CUP SET DOWN.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Where was I, oh yes, slow him--

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 CLINKS GET MUFFLED, THEN SLOW

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 --and eventually stop him.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 MUFFLED CLATTER AS FORK IS WRAPPED UP IN NAPKIN

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [interested] Clever.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Really?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Immobilizing an enemy makes him an easy target.\xa0 So you put your strength into archers, to pick off the enemy soldiers stuck in the fields like--

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Garden gnomes?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 --like so many topiary.\xa0 Hmm.\xa0 Not bad at all.\xa0 I could even write a song about that.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, please don't - he'll turn you to glass.

CAEL \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Shut up.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I didn't say anything.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Not you-- [sigh] I have this curse--

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I am not cursed.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 --of a sword.\xa0 It talks to me.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Do you often hear weapons talk?

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [snickers]\xa0

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 No, really.\xa0 Here--

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 UNSHEATHES SWORD

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Say something.\xa0 [beat]\xa0 [apologetic] Great, now she's pissed at me.\xa0 [muttered] Don't make me look bad.\xa0 [up]\xa0 When she's in the sheath, I'm the only one who can hear her.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Your sword is a girl?\xa0 Isn't that somehow counter-intuitive?

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Big words from a goblin, bub.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [heavy sigh] See?

MUSIC

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 WALKING INTO SMALLER CHAMBER

GIGLI \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Sleep tight!

SOUND \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0DOOR CLOSES

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I can\u2019t believe you would embarrass me that way!

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Embarrass you?\xa0 Who called who cursed?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 No, I said you were "my curse", not that you were accursed.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh.\xa0 That's different.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 How's that damn wizard gonna have any respect for me now?

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Who cares?\xa0 He's old.\xa0 And evil.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 He's not that old.\xa0

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 And evil.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [shrug]\xa0 That's his job.

MUSIC

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SHUTS, TIPTOEING SLAPPY FEET

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [roaring] Gigli?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Gurk! [deep breath, then bright]\xa0 Yes, master?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What did you think you were doing, insulting an Amazon like that?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I --\xa0 I didn't--

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 You called her a lummox!

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 She was... playing you, sire!\xa0 I was only defending your--

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?\xa0 Playing what?\xa0

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Playing games.\xa0 You know no one ever actually listens to you when you rant on about one of your inventions, and there she is [squeaky] "oh how clever!\xa0 You're so smart!"\xa0 [normal] blech!\xa0 And you--

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [wounded] Of course people listen to me--

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I don't.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [huffy] You're just a familiar.\xa0

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [muttered] Don't remind me.\xa0 [up]\xa0 Sire, what I meant is she's trying to soften you up, get you to like her, so the tests will be easier.\xa0

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What's wrong with that?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sigh]\xa0 You have a reputation to uphold, my mighty lord.\xa0

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, I really don't--

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 --and if it gets out that you're a pushover, every Tom, Dick and Harry will be at your doorstep, looking to get something from you.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [gasp of panic]

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 And when will you ever get anything done?

MUSIC

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 PACING IN THE ECHOEY DINING HALL

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 So wizards don't wake up as early as warriors.\xa0 So what?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's dawn.\xa0 He said dawn.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Barely.\xa0 Sit.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nah.\xa0 I'm hyped.\xa0 I'm ready for something really difficult.\xa0 A good fight.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 POOF!

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 The challenge is--

CAEL\xa0 \xa0\xa0\xa0[eager] Yes?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Now, if you think the challenge is too hard, you can back out and go away, you know.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Ri-i-ight.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Not gonna happen.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I am not adverse to leaving someone alive to spread word of my cruelty and -- and--.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [hissed] Cunning!

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 And cunning.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 And?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 And...? \xa0[thinks] and... meanness?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sigh] And the challenge?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Right.\xa0 You must ... empty my entire moat into a single tankard.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [eyeroll] Oh, jeez.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [skeptical] Are you sure?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Sure?

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 SORTING THROUGH CARDS, STOPS

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Um... yes.\xa0 That's the first challenge.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 You wanna tell him, or should I?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Ok, here's the deal.\xa0 I could go out into the yard, smack a big hole in the bottom of a tankard and then cupful by cupful pour slimy moat water into the now bottomless tankard until there's nothing left in your pond but silt, dying fish and a pissed off moat monster.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh.\xa0 [whispered] Would that work?

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 FLIPPING PAGES

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Uh--\xa0 Yeah.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Or I could--

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] I can go on to another one.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] Nah.\xa0 You can't switch horses in midstream.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Is everything all right?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [up] Just a moment!

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Ka-ching!

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 You aced it - he might demand you actually go through with it, but he seems surprisingly reasonable for an evil wizard.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I still don't think he's all that evil.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 He turns people to glass and makes grass that grabs you.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 And I bring in archers to kill the immobilized troops--

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 All right.\xa0 We've got this settled.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 He lets his familiar be part of the decision process?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I talk to a sword.\xa0 [up] Yes, oh mighty wizard?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well. [ahem]\xa0 Rather than have to restock my pond--

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Boo-yah!

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 --we're going to take it as read that you completed the first task, and start fresh in the morning.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What do we do for the rest of the day?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [at a loss]\xa0 uh...\xa0 well... [doubtful] You could... come and see my workshop?

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Spare me.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 That would be fascinating.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 No really, spare me!

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 While we're there, you can turn the prince back to flesh.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, right.\xa0 Of course.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Couldn\u2019t you leave me with the blasted goblin?\xa0 At least he can hold a conversation.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Shut up.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?\xa0 Oh, right, the sword. \xa0Did I mention that I've figured out how to turn water to dust, and vice versa?\xa0 Mostly only a drop at a time, just yet, mind you - since it's very hard to control in large quantities - oh, well, except for last night--

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, is that what that was--?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 --but I was -uh- trying to make an impression.

MUSIC

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [singing, but a bit shaky]
the mighty warrior calms her rage
goes into the castle dark and drear
wond'ring what sort of wicked mage
might be he that liv-ed here
and whether she would see another day!

SOUND\xa0\xa0 \xa0\xa0LIGHT BUT ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [admiring] You wrote that just last night?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I - I couldn't sleep.\xa0 It's not finished.

MUSIC

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I work on very small amounts at a time - no need, really, to enchant huge things.\xa0 Saves space and lord knows, who wants seven tons of aspic just lying around?

MAZ and CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [CHUCKLE]

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [exasperated]\xa0 On that culinary note - Master, do you plan to dine here in the workshop?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Dine?\xa0 But it's hardly even dark out--\xa0 Oh!\xa0 Well.\xa0

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 No wonder you keep lighting candles.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I didn\u2019t even notice, I was so caught up--

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Din-ner?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Of course. Of course.\xa0 Shall we?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [stretching]\xa0 I hadn't even thought about it, but I am famished.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 And your sword?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 don't be silly.\xa0 Swords don't eat.\xa0 She's been awfully quiet, though.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I have been trying to ignore you.\xa0 You\u2019re acting like a scullery maid who got smiled at by a lord.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 And it will get you into trouble- this mage is the enemy.\xa0 He's enchanting you.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Something wrong?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 No.\xa0 [thinking]\xa0 Nothing.

MUSIC

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Sleep well.\xa0 Challenge at dawn.\xa0 All that.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SHUTS

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Check me for magic.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Why?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 You're the one who said he's enchanting me.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I meant he's charming you - not like a CHARM charm, just by being a smooth talker.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 So you don't really suspect a spell?

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I don't see anything out of the ordinary.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Whew.\xa0 That's a relief.

MUSIC

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 BANGING ON THE DOOR

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Rise and shine!\xa0 It's dawn.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS SLOWLY

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hello?\xa0 Hmm.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 FLAPPY STEPS INTO THE ROOM

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Must already be down there...\xa0 [mischievous]\xa0 We-e-e-ell.\xa0

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 PAWING THROUGH HER THINGS

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Figures an Amazon wouldn't have anything interesting in the way of undies.\xa0 Lace would ride up something fierce.\xa0 What's this?

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 PARCHMENT UNROLLS

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [reading] "The great and mighty Queen Luria" blah blah blah "doth decree" Oh doth she?\xa0 Blah blah blah.\xa0 "That prince Tupin should be returned safely to her royal residence in order to be joined in marriage and alignment with her oldest daughter [ with feeling] princess Cael!"\xa0 [tsks, then truly rueful]\xa0 Boss ain't gonna like this.

MUSIC

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 The test for today-- [muttered] where is that idiot goblin anyway?\xa0 [up] Is for you to clean out the stables of my thirty terribly ferocious horses.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 OK.\xa0 But this one's going to be easy too.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Unless they've been eating fermented oats - remember that one time at bard camp?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Course.\xa0 I've spent my entire life around the royal stables.\xa0 Horses like me.\xa0

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, I suppose we could just call it even and I could show you a few more--

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nonsense.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nonsense?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Silly! \xa0First - I might as well prove I can do something to earn my keep.\xa0 And second, if it's such a test, I can't imagine the poor horses having to live there without it being cleaned.\xa0 Which way?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, um, I'll take you there.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 FOOTSTEPS PROGRESSING THROUGH HALLWAYS

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 That would be lovely.\xa0 Oh, is there anything in the tests that says I can't ask someone for help?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm not sure - Gigli would know, but--

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0 \xa0Well, I figured it couldn't hurt to ask.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 But there's only really one, well, person, you could call on to help, and Gigli isn't fond of any kind of animals--

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, he's not who I was thinking of.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What, who, then?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nuh-uh.\xa0 Not until you decide if I can - don't want to give it away.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [enjoying the byplay]\xa0 Shall I guess?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nope, just decide, then I'll tell you.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 All right.\xa0 Yes.\xa0 You can ask someone, but I can't constrain them into helping you.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [laughs]\xa0 Fine.\xa0 You wanna help?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Me?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'll do all the heavy lifting, but I thought maybe once the bulk is gone, there's plenty of dust in a good old hayloft...

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh!\xa0 [laughs himself] Oh, yes!

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [disgusted] Oh, gods.

MUSIC

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 No, no, no, no, NO!\xa0 She wasn't supposed to have any help at all - how could you have missed that part?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 You weren't there to cue me, so you can't complain.\xa0 What do you think of my beard?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Your beard?\xa0 Why?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I've trimmed it down a bit - I think it's rather dashing.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [disgusted] Dashing?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Makes me look a bit of a rakehell.\xa0 Do you think I should wear the green or the black robe?\xa0 I like green better myself, but black is so very... oh... manly-- [hums tunelessly to himself.]

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, you moron!\xa0 [sigh]\xa0 She's supposed to marry the prince.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [hum cuts out with a gasp]\xa0 wh-wh-whatever do you mean?\xa0 [Blustering, trying to laugh] What?\xa0 Ha-ha-ha.\xa0 [losing momentum, starting to wind down]\xa0 What did you think I was ... doing?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I really hate to burst your bubble, especially since you actually eat and bathe right now, but I saw it in her gear.\xa0 She has to get the prince back and marry him.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 She has to--

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Said "Princess Cael" big as life.\xa0

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh.

MUSIC

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 CAEL GETTING DRESSED

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Lucky for you, you were in the barn when he doused it.\xa0 No one likes a smelly Amazon.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Do you remember if I packed my teal chemise?\xa0

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Isn't that the one you only wear for state occasions?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Um, yes...

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 The one you say rides too tight through the chest and you hate to wear except that it brings out your eyes?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [overly casual] \xa0Yes.\xa0 Did I pack it?

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I distinctly recall the words [mimicking] "phooey, when I go to do battle, who's looking at my... eyes?"

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Drat.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 How can you stand him?\xa0 He's so dull!

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Dull?\xa0 What do you mean?

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I mean what could possibly be more completely boring than turning dust to water - oh, yes.\xa0 Turning locusts to aspic.\xa0 That was much more boring.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 It was not.\xa0 It's important magic.\xa0 He's very clever.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Clever like a fox.\xa0 No wait that's wrong... right... anyway, forget it.\xa0 I means he's deliberately being disarming,

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Speaking of disarming...

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 BUCKLE BEING UNBUCKLED, SWORD LEFT BEHIND

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What are you doing?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Just what you asked me to do - Sparing you.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 No reason I'd need a sword at dinner.\xa0 Even with an evil wizard.

MUSIC

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 EAGER, MESSY EATING NOISES

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [heartfelt heavy sigh]

TUPIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [mouth full]\xa0 So where's this princess?\xa0 She one of those who likes to make an entrance?\xa0 Man, she must have seriously kicked your ass, eh?\xa0 Is she \xa0hot?\xa0

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [muttered] I'd actually forgotten--

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 BIG DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [deeply affected - she looks good]\xa0 Oh.

TUPIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [eating stops, swallow] That her?\xa0 Man, she's kinda chunky.\xa0 And old.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, for a hammer.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [under the talking] MAZURIN'S CHAIR SQUEAKS OUT, HE TAKES A STUMBLING STEP AND THEN PULLS A CHAIR OUT FOR HER

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [barely able to talk]\xa0 You look - very nice.\xa0 Very.

TUPIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Aren't you a little underdressed?\xa0

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I - who? [whispered] Who is that?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 You don't recognize him?\xa0

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, the prince!\xa0 Greetings, your highness.\xa0 So pleased to see you upright - or at least sitting down.\xa0

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Have a seat, milady?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Thank you so much, kind sir.

TUPIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I don't have to stand.\xa0 I'm royalty.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?

TUPIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 That crack about me not getting up when you came in - it's not like you're my mom or anything.\xa0 Princes don't have to stand.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] Please let me leave, boss.\xa0 I'm gonna kill him.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I didn't mean anything--

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] Go, then.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 As you command.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 QUICK SLAPPY STEPS, DOOR

TUPIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, you sounded very critical.\xa0 I don't put up with that from anybody.\xa0 Not even other royalty.

MUSIC

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Who's there?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Where is it...?

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 SLAPPY FEET, SWORD SLID OUT OF SHEATH

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Unhand me!

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hey, just wanted to ask you a couple of questions - as if I know what to do with a sword...\xa0 Well, there is this prince... [nasty chuckle]

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Prince Tupin?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah.\xa0 What a prize.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 That bad?\xa0 Is he - of course!\xa0 He's awake, isn't he?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Unfortunately.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, man, and I'm missing it.\xa0

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 If she doesn't clock him by the end of the evening, I'm no familiar.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nah.\xa0 She's under strict orders.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, I know.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 You know.... what?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, I was scouting for my master, and found the parchment in her things.\xa0 He was really disappointed, you know.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Disappointed?\xa0 Your master?\xa0 Why?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 That your princess will be marrying the prince.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Big whoop.\xa0 She has to marry someone.\xa0 Besides, it's years off.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, but he--\xa0 Nothing.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 He what?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's kind of amazing, really.\xa0 Never seen my boss like this before - you know, picking out clothes by more than smell.\xa0 And then finding out she's spoken for.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 He's interested in the princess?\xa0 That's kind of creepy.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Why?\xa0 He may be a wizard, but he is a man.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Perv.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hey, she may not be my type, but she's not so hard on the eyes.\xa0 You should be more supportive.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 You're a perv too.\xa0 The princess is only 13!\xa0

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [blink blink] \xa0She's really tall, then.

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Huh?\xa0 Have you even seen the princess?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [halting]\xa0 Your... lady warrior?

AMALAN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, heck no.\xa0 The princess Cael is-- Oh!\xa0 You thought my boss was the princess?\xa0 Gads!\xa0 Half the girls in the country are named Cael, for the great queen who led her people out of darkness and taught them to fight?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh? \xa0Oh!\xa0 I've got to tell him!

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 SLAPPY FEET

AMALAN \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Wait!\xa0 You mean your master is really-- I thought he was just softening her up.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [snorts]\xa0 He wouldn't know how to begin.\xa0 Short of turning her to aspic...

MUSIC

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 With the extra horses, I can him get there and make it back in about two weeks.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [a bit negative] Back?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yes.\xa0

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [grumpy] Why?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [a bit deflated]\xa0 To... return the horses?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, of course.\xa0 [lying badly] I may not be here.\xa0 I have a big trip coming up.\xa0 But Gigli can see that you have a place to sleep...

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [backing off] Or I could always send someone with them.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SLAMS OPEN, SLAPPY FEET RUN IN

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Sire!\xa0 There has been a grave error!

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sharp]\xa0 What?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's entirely my fault, I admit - wait, what happened to the prince?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 He fell asleep.\xa0 I think he ate too much.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [chuckles] I'll bet.\xa0 Good one, sire.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 What is your news, mannikin?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Ah, yes.\xa0 Um, can you come over here, maybe?\xa0

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 I can... leave.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 No!\xa0 [urging] Master?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Just spit it out.\xa0

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] She's not the one.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Not the one what?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Not?\xa0 What?\xa0

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Arrying-may the ince-pray.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Your goblin has lost its mind.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Not marrying the prince?\xa0 You're not marrying the prince?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Me?\xa0 Oh, gods no!!

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 But he saw--

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Princess Cael is marrying him.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah.\xa0 She's my cousin.\xa0 It's all arranged for her eighteenth birthday.\xa0 Hey, if they ask, can I tell them you'll turn him back to glass until then?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Not you?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 No.\xa0 [thankful and sarcastic] I'm not worthy of one such as him.\xa0 Besides, he's years younger than me.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Then you can marry anyone you want?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Once I successfully complete my quest.\xa0 That's kind of why I took it.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [horrible anticipation] Did you - have someone in mind?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [suddenly shy]\xa0 No.\xa0 Why?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nothing.\xa0 Just--

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 This is disgusting.\xa0 Just kiss her.\xa0

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 But there's a third test--?

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, yes...

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [eye roll]\xa0 The third test was too see if you could listen to the wizard and not fall asleep - boom, you win.\xa0 Kiss her.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [excited]\xa0 Can we do that?

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 The whole test thing was mostly because I was really, really bored.\xa0 ...And tradition.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 We should hold off the kissing until I complete my quest.\xa0 There's always the chance the prince will get lost in the forest on the way back.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Now there's an idea...

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Perhaps an escort would be helpful?\xa0 Hmm?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 ...and a cart. \xa0Then he could sleep the entire trip!

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 Poor princess.

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 She throws things.\xa0 I think they're actually well matched.

MAZURIN\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [giddy]\xa0 Well, perhaps a toast?

CAEL\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 And then you can finish telling me about your research into the relationship between the angle of sunlight and the movements of pond slime.

MAZURIN\xa0 \xa0\xa0\xa0Only if you promise to complete that ballad you were writing and sing it for me on the trip.

GIGLI\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 [disgusted moan]

END

\xa0