19 Nocturne Boulevard's reissue of the week: CULTISTS STOLE MY BABY!
Rookie newshound Theo Walsh is sent on his first job for the World Bugle (provider of hard-hitting news about Elvis, aliens, and the paranormal) Oh, my!\xa0\xa0
Written and produced by Julie Hoverson
Cast List
Theo Walsh - Henry Mark
Leona Pope - Robyn Keyes
Selena Hempstead - Karena Fredrick
Chief - Julie Hoverson
Child - Chandra Wade
Truth - Melissa Pang
Justice - Jerry Bennett
Hygiene - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard
Bruce, the Bounty Hunter - Joel Harvey
Sidekick - Reynaud Leboeuf
Awesome Guest appearance by Bryan, Dave, Wes, and Uncle Randy of Drunken Zombie Podcast as the other reporters!!!
Episode Music:\xa0 Josh Woodward (www.joshwoodward.com)
19 Nocturne theme - Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)
Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio
Editing and Sound:\xa0\xa0 Julie Hoverson
Cover: Brett Coulstock
What kind of a place is it?
Why it's a bullpen - this is where the NEWS happens.
***********************************************************************
CULTISTS STOLE MY BABY!
Cast:
[Opening credits - Olivia]
Selena Hempstead, the mother
Theo Walsh, cub reporter
Leona Pope, jaded old hand photographer
Justice, older male cultist
Hygiene, stern female cultist
Truth, sweet female cultist
Chief, Editor of the Monthly Bugle
Reporters Bryan, Dave, Randy and Wes
Bruce the bounty hunter
Thug, his sidekick
Child
OLIVIA \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Did you have any trouble finding it?\xa0 What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?\xa0 Why, it's a bullpen, can't you tell?\xa0 This is where the news happens.
MUSIC
SOUND \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0PASSING THROUGH A NOISY NEWSROOM
REPORTER BRYAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [on phone] We can't do anything about that unless Elvis actually spoke to you.\xa0 He did?\xa0 Can your dog verify that?
REPORTER WES\xa0\xa0\xa0 [on phone] Right, I got that, but the beans - you have to eat them raw for the diet to work?\xa0 Isn't that kind of crunchy?
REPORTER RANDY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Do you have any pictures?\xa0 Was the alien wearing the leather bunny suit while it was impregnating you?
REPORTER DAVE\xa0\xa0\xa0 How do you know the post-it was placed on your fridge by aliens?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS, NOISE CONTINUES UNDER
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hello?\xa0 Boss?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Come on in.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Cool!\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SHUTS, NOISE CUT OUT
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hey!\xa0 I'm super excited to have this chance to--
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Save it.\xa0 I'm not the guy.\xa0 Editor'll be back in a moment.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh! \xa0Well, I'm Theo.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 FLUSH
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Whatever you do, don't stare.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Stare?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS, HANDS WIPING ON TOWEL
CHIEF\xa0\xa0\xa0 All right - oh you're here, good.\xa0
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Um - yeah, I'm so excited to have this chance to--
CHIEF\xa0\xa0\xa0 Save it.\xa0 I got your resume.\xa0 Right, Theo - Theo....
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PAPERS BEING SHUFFLED
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Walsh?
CHIEF\xa0\xa0\xa0 You don't sound all that sure.\xa0 Not a bad name, though kinda normal.\xa0 How about we give you a nickname - Flash!\xa0 No, that doesn\u2019t work with Walsh.\xa0 Zip?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'll see what fits.\xa0 What's the job?
CHIEF\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, yeah.\xa0 Ok, Theo Walsh with a journalism degree from West Podunk Community College, meet Leona Pope - she'll keep you from hurting yourself or making the Bugle liable.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Mostly I just take your photos.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 So, what are we going to be working on--?
CHIEF\xa0\xa0\xa0 Theo.\xa0 Leona.\xa0 E-O.\xa0 There you go.\xa0 You're the E-O team now - no, no - even better - Team E-O.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Whatever.
CHIEF\xa0\xa0\xa0 All business, eh, doll?\xa0 Right, then.\xa0 Look, Theo, my family has run this magazine for three generations.\xa0
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [eager] Oh, yes - I know!\xa0
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [heavy sigh]\xa0 Newb.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 This newspaper brings the most cutting edge stories to life every week!
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You actually believe that?
CHIEF\xa0\xa0\xa0 Shut it.\xa0 Go on.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, I've followed the World Bugle for years - and I do realize that a lot of the material in here is puff - or straight out made up stuff--
CHIEF\xa0\xa0\xa0 What!?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [backpedaling] No!\xa0 no - let me explain!\xa0 I understand completely - to be able to print the hard cold truth about the really controversial topics, like UFOs and the paranormal, you have to fill in the bulk of the magazine with implausibilities, just so that the real truth only reaches the people who already understand!
CHIEF\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hmph.\xa0 Yeah.\xa0 Something like that.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [wicked chuckle]
CHIEF\xa0\xa0\xa0 Anyway.\xa0 I've got a sauna and massage, followed by a mani-pedi at noon, so let's get you moving--\xa0 I have an informant in room 3.\xa0 Have fun.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm so excited about this--
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Come on.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PHONE PICKED UP
CHIEF\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, Sergei?\xa0 Oh yeah, that sounds real nice...
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS, NEWSROOM NOISE
LEONA \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Left.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SHUTS
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Wh-what did you mean, don't stare?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 At the Chief.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 He looks just like any other big newspaper editor.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You missed it?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 You mean the comb-over and five o'clock shadow? \xa0The mole?\xa0 The flabby man-boobs?\xa0
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Woman-boobs.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [shuddering] Oh....
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 FOOTSTEPS STOP
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 After you.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You're the reporter.\xa0 You go first.\xa0 [ominous]\xa0 Always.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 You make that sound like a bad thing.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I've been in the biz for 20 years and I've been teamed up 73 times.\xa0 You do the math.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hello.\xa0 Um, I'm Theo--
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Wink.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [boggled] What?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Trying out nicknames.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Not right now.
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hello?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yes, sorry.\xa0 I'm Theo.\xa0 This is Leona.\xa0
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Is it safe here?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Um--
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SHUTS
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [shrug] Yeah.\xa0 [brightly] So you have a story for us?
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yes, but - there's a life at stake.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [eager] Really?
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [trying not to cry]\xa0 My... baby.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh!\xa0 Here--
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 TISSUE BOX GRABBED AND MOVED, TISSUE PULLED
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [blows her nose] They took him--!
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Aliens?
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 No.\xa0 Worse.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Scientologists?
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [dry, not crying] Oh, please.\xa0 [sniffling again] Cultists.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Other cultists?
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [annoyed] Yes - are you--?\xa0 Um, is there another reporter I can talk to?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Sorry, I'm just trying to make sure I get my facts straight.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [musing] Straight.\xa0 Arrow.\xa0 Shooter.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nothing.\xa0 But I think you got your first headline right there.\xa0
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 I do?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [important] CULTISTS STOLE MY BABY!
MUSIC, BUT
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [over music] Did you say his first?
MUSIC ENDS
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CAR NOISES
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [narrating] So team E-O made their way to the lair of the cultists.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Town.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 They have a whole town?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Were you narrating?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 TAPE RECORDER TURNED OFF, HIDDEN
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Me, no.\xa0 Why?\xa0 Is that bad?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I worked with a guy who narrated once.\xa0 Once.\xa0
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [gulp]\xa0 Oh.\xa0 Well.\xa0 What's the name of this town?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Where were you during the interview?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 I was there - I even took notes.\xa0
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 How many shirt buttons did she have open?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [dreamy] four.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sigh]
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Right, um--
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 FLIPPING PAGES
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Wow.\xa0 [reading] I don't remember any of this.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Automatic writing?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 How do you think I got through college?\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 FLIPS ONE MORE PAGE
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Aha!\xa0 Sorry - nope.\xa0 I didn't get the name.\xa0 Just wrote "Town."
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yup.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 The name was "town".\xa0 Apparently they're big on using the "true names" of things.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Bet that's easy to find on a map.
MUSIC
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [flat] Wow.\xa0 [sucks in air] Just... wow.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's so...clean.\xa0 And everyone looks kind of ... normal.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 What were you expecting?\xa0 Black robes and facial tattoes?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Um... yeah.
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 May I help you?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 um--?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 All yours.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [gulps] Right.\xa0 [deep breath, blows out] Right.\xa0 We're ...uh...
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Smooth.\xa0 That should be your nickname.\xa0 Smoothie.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 ...scouting for a new smoothie bar.\xa0 Our Smoothie bar company...um... Groovy Smoothie ...is looking for new locations.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Not too dusty.
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 Wow.\xa0 That would be lovely.\xa0 But you'd have to use all natural ingredients.\xa0 We're very back to nature here.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 I noticed.\xa0 The all-cotton clothes.\xa0 The non-synthetic shoes and accessories.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Metrosexual.
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 Are you sure you just noticed, or have you been doing your homework?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Um... While I'd love to say I was bright enough--
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 So would I.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 --to look ahead, I really just noticed.
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 That's still good.\xa0 Why don't we walk and you can tell me more about your smoothies?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'll just snap some pics.\xa0 For the folks back home.\xa0 You two kids talk.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah.\xa0 Sure!
MUSIC
AMB\xa0\xa0\xa0 IN CAR, DRIVING
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [exasperated sigh] I sure hope you were taking notes.\xa0 She was too cute for your ears to work.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 If she's an example, I can't believe they're any kind of BAD cult.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Dickhead.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Just addressing your thinking end.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 No, I'm not... that kind of guy!\xa0 She's sweet.\xa0 [beat] I'm really not!
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, yeah.\xa0 What did miss pretty poison have to say?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Truth.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Pushover.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 No, her name's Truth.\xa0 They go in for--
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Those literal names, right.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yup.\xa0 Anyway, I couldn't ask about kidnapped kids, being in the smoothie business, but I think I got some good notes about the layout of the place.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Where do they keep the kids?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 FLIPPING PAGES
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, they actually take in a lot of foster kids in this town.\xa0 Apparently, they think of it as a holy cause - working with troubled children.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Vulnerable and open to manipulation.\xa0 Or already so messed up, they can't complain.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 No!\xa0 They work on healing their psychic wounds.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Her words?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yes....
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Did she try and sell you on the religion?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [trying to change the subject] Uh, is it much further to the motel?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [resigned, commanding] Show me.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PAMPHLET PULLED FROM POCKET
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's research.
LEONA \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Right.\xa0 Cuz they'd want a smoothie shop run by a non-believer.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 I actually told her that the company's policy was to bring in a manager, but hire everyone else locally - then, if someone local was able to take over, the company would be happy to--
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 McDoggies?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Where you worked your way through college?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh.\xa0 Yeah.\xa0 Actually ...um... let's just say I can't stand the smell of coffee any more.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh-ho!
MUSIC
[whispered conversation]
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CREEPING THROUGH BUSHES
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Thanks for coming along!
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Are you joking?\xa0 This is how I get my best pictures.\xa0 You go first.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Right.\xa0 This should be about where the orphanage office is--
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Shh!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 INDISTINCT VOICES
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] Just a bit closer.
HYGIENE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [normal, but off] ...utterly unruly.\xa0 We have had to use... very stringent techniques.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] Brainwashing!
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] Listen now - talk later!
JUSTICE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [normal but off] \xa0You have all my faith, Hygiene.\xa0 You know how vital your part in this is.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] I wish I had a tape recorder.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] Hand.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] Huh?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 SLAPS SOMETHING INTO HIS HAND
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 THUMP ON MIKE as it segues into a recording.
EVERYTHING NOT NOTED IS ON THE RECORDING
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] It's already running.\xa0
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] But it's so small--
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] I'm gonna slap you.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] Right!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 FUMBLING WITH THE MIKE
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [now] I still plan to slap you.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [now] Um, OK.\xa0 [bracing himself] Go on.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [now] Uh-uh [no].\xa0 More fun if you don't see it coming.
BACK TO THE TAPE unless noted
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Which end do I-- Ow!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 SLAP
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 See?\xa0 Just get it near the window. [fading out] It picks up everything.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [off] okay.
HYGIENE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [fading in] running all over the place, breaking things, and causing havoc.
JUSTICE \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0That WOULD be more predictable.\xa0
HYGIENE\xa0\xa0\xa0 But Lucifer just sits and stares wrathfully!\xa0 He is completely placid when you move him, but he won't respond to commands!\xa0
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [real] Lucifer?\xa0 What happened to the whole true names thing?
JUSTICE \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Docility has its place.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [real] Maybe he has to graduate first or something.
HYGIENE\xa0\xa0\xa0 It is unnatural in a child this age.\xa0
JUSTICE \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Perhaps it is time for... extreme measures.
HYGIENE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Give me one more week before we subject him to that?
JUSTICE \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0There isn't time.\xa0 We have to break him, Hygiene.\xa0 Make him ours.
HYGIENE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Very well, father justice.\xa0 Your word is my command.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 TAPE CLICKS OFF, BACK TO REAL
AMB\xa0\xa0\xa0 HOTEL ROOM.\xa0 THUMPING NOISES AND BEDSPRINGS FROM NEXT DOOR
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Wow.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah.\xa0 [beat]\xa0 They've been at it for nearly an hour now.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 No, I mean the tape.\xa0 [beat] It sounds horrible.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Course it does.\xa0
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Can you imagine the leg cramps you would get?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 The tape?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Right.\xa0 So, we have to get that kid out of there!
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 And you've been smoking, what?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Huh?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 We report the news.\xa0 We don't make it.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 But how can we leave a poor defenseless child in the hands of ... those people?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Easy.\xa0 We drive away, file the story, and then come back in a year to file another story about how the kid is growing up in the cult.\xa0 Then a five year follow up, a tenth anniversary...
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 No.\xa0 How about this - intrepid reporter bravely rescues child from abductors?\xa0 You can't say that's not a prime story!
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hmph.\xa0 Yes, but--
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 But?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [evil sweet] How about this?\xa0 Dumbass rookie newshound shot dead trying to break into secret cult enclave.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh.
MUSIC
AMB\xa0\xa0\xa0 BAR
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 What do I do here?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Mingle.\xa0 Try not to get carded more than once, peach fuzz.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Shouldn't we be getting ready for the drive home?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sigh] Local color.\xa0 Trying to see what the nearby folks think of the people up in Town.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Really?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 And half price jello shooters.\xa0 It IS ladies' night.\xa0 [commanding] You're driving.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Leona?\xa0 Leo?\xa0 Oh, crap.
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 Smoothie man!
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Uh, yeah.\xa0 Yes.\xa0 Truth.\xa0 Nice to see you - not the kind of place - um -
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 [teasing] Where you usually find much truth?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Right.\xa0 [laughs unconvincingly] \xa0Yeah.\xa0 Aren't you supposed to be all holy or something?\xa0 I mean - darn it - I mean, not drinking and carousing or anything?
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 Carousing?\xa0 I didn't think anyone used that word any more.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Writers do.\xa0 I mean, I write.\xa0 Stuff.\xa0
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 Like?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Like?
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 Stuff like what?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 uh [wobbles] Greeting cards?
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 Lots of...carousing... in greeting cards.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [fumbling, but gaining strength] I don't plan to write greeting cards forever.\xa0 [shakes himself back to the present]\xa0 But why are you here?
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 We believe in being as real as possible.\xa0 Having fun is very real.\xa0 And no, we don't drink, but we do dance and occasionally even sing karaoke.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [terrified] Karry-[gulp]-oke?
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 Thursdays.\xa0 You're in "no danger, Will Robinson."
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 So you don't believe a sense of humor is wrong either.
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nope.\xa0
SHIFT THROUGH THE BAR, MUSIC GETS LOUDER AT THIS END
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [slurry, drunk] Jes one more - green's my flavorite.
BRUCE\xa0\xa0\xa0 One more and you're gonna be flat on the floor, babe.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 On top o' you.
BRUCE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [chuckles]\xa0 This floor is dirty - we gotta perfectly nice carpet back at our hotel.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [a bit sharper] "We?"
BRUCE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Me and my partner.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I don't shwing that way.
BRUCE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nah - not like that!\xa0 We work together.\xa0 That's him over there with the redheaded triplets hanging on his every word.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 The viking?\xa0 What kind of work you do?
BRUCE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sexy whisper] Promise you won't tell?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Crosh my heart.
BRUCE\xa0\xa0\xa0 That's not your heart.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh yeah?\xa0 I got hearts all over the place.
BRUCE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Ooh.\xa0 Well, we're-- [glances around] Bounty hunters.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Like the guy on TV?
BRUCE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well I'm single, but yeah.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You gonna apprehend someone?
BRUCE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Something like that.\xa0 But the only one I want to get my hands on tonight is you.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Mmm.\xa0 I gotta hit the catbox.\xa0 Be back after I scratch.
BRUCE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'll get you more .... green.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, yeah.
MUSIC SWELLS FOR A SECOND, THEN SLOWS TO A DANCE
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 You're a very nice guy, Smoothie.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's ...Theo.
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 We like names that describe people.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm really not all that... smooth.
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 Feels like it from here.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [not sounding the least bit drunk] We're going.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 At least let us finish this dance.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Sorry, babe.\xa0 Duty calls.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Smoothie duty.
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 What--?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SLAMS
MUSIC CUTS OUT
AMB\xa0\xa0\xa0 OUTSIDE, NIGHT
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 What was all that?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 We need to get out of here.\xa0 [moving slightly away]
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Out of town?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Out of the line of fire.\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CAR DOOR DOOTS
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's a setup.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CAR DOOR OPENS
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?\xa0 Set up for what?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SLAMS
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [in car, something unintelligible]
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 WINDOW ROLLS DOWN
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm leaving.\xa0 You can climb in or stand here.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR WRENCHED OPEN
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 I thought I was supposed to drive! [ends in a squeal as she yanks him in]
MUSIC
Amb\xa0\xa0\xa0 In car
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Where are we going?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Back to headquarters.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Why?\xa0
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sigh, drums fingers] Bounty hunters.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Are you on their hot list?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Not me.\xa0 Dammit, kid - think!\xa0 What are the odds there's a fugitive in this area?\xa0 Anyone they might be hunting other than-- [tails off, hinting]
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Us?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 How can you be so dense?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [finally getting it] Oh!\xa0 The kid!
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Bingo, Smoothie.
MOMENT OF SILENCE
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 We need to go back.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You're an idiot.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm not.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You're smitten, ya weenie.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm not-- [gives up]\xa0 Yes.\xa0 Yes, I'm ... in love with Truth.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Right.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 But I'm even more in love with the idea of catching bounty hunters in the act.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [wobbling a bit] No.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [spinning the story] Breaking into a religious compound.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [cracking a bit more] No.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [seductive] Maybe using extreme force.\xa0 Carrying off a kicking and screaming toddler.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [growl]
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CAR BRAKES TO A STOP
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [ground out] You little shit.
MUSIC
AMB\xa0\xa0\xa0 NIGHT, OUTSIDE
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CREEPING THROUGH BUSHES
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] Well, D\xe9j\xe0 my vu, kemosabe.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] I think we beat them here.\xa0 We have to warn Truth.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hell to the no, as they say.\xa0 You can play hero all you want - AFTER I get the shot.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 What if they have guns?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Stop, drop and roll.\xa0 I'll be in the bushes.
MUSIC\xa0\xa0\xa0 TIME PASSES
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [yawning, dozing off]
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 A DISTANT CAR PULLS UP
THEO \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0another big yawn
SOUND \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0SPRITZ
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [gasping and choking, suddenly muffled]
[note:\xa0 Leona sprayed breath freshener in his open snoozing mouth then slapped a hand over it when he woke up]
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [urgent whisper] Shh!\xa0 They're here.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [finally gets control of himself, gulps]\xa0 WHY'D you do that?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nothing like waking up minty fresh!\xa0 They're over there, far side of the-- oh boy.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?\xa0 It's so dark.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [tsks]\xa0 Looks like three of them, skulking across the lawn.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [amused] Skulking.
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 What's wrong with skulking?
THEO \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Truth would be amused--
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Fine!\xa0 But later, all right?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh.\xa0 Yeah.\xa0 Skulking now.\xa0 Can we-- um-- head them off at the pass?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 They're heading directly for the orphanage building.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [uncertain] Oh, good. Um....
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sigh] Over there.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Right.
MUSIC
AMB - STILL OUTSIDE
[another whispered conversation - unless otherwise noted]
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Did you see them?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Two of em went in- the third must be a rear guard.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 How can you be sure you saw three?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Watching stuff.\xa0 It's sort of my job.\xa0 You're getting slapped again.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DISTANT COMMOTION INSIDE BUILDING
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 lights!\xa0 They're gonna be running!
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I got it.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE SCENE, SHUTTER CLICKS A LOT AS SHE TAKES SNAPS
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SLAMS OPEN, RUNNING FEET, DOOR SLAMS SHUT
CHILD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [wails]
BRUCE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [hissed order] keep him quiet!
THUG\xa0\xa0\xa0 He bit me!
CHILD\xa0\xa0\xa0 No no no no no!
SOUND \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0DOOR OPENS AGAIN
JUSTICE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [to the back of the concert hall] Stop!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 FOOTSTEPS HESITATE
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [off, but also loud] Bring me my child!
BRUCE\xa0\xa0\xa0 You heard the lady.
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 We must do something!
JUSTICE\xa0\xa0\xa0 No.\xa0 This is now in the hands of the lord.
HYGIENE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I can only pray we've done enough.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [standing and declaring himself]\xa0 No way - this is just wrong!
EVERYONE REACTS
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'll be in the bushes.
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [a bit closer] You're here?\xa0 I thought you morons had bailed on me!
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Of course not-- morons?\xa0 [offended]\xa0 The hell you say!
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Very likely.\xa0 [to justice]\xa0 You thought you could stop my dear little baby from fulfilling his destiny, eh?\xa0 [evil genius] From wiping you and your kind from the entire world?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Him?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 RUSTLE IN THE BUSHES
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hand!
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Recorder!
THEO \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0oh!
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yes!\xa0 I did it!\xa0 The whole nine yards.\xa0 Did the rituals, wore the lederhosen, slept with the devil.\xa0 My child is the antichrist!
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Woh!\xa0 I didn't see that coming.
CHILD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [trying to get her attention] Mommy!
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 And all your pathetic humanistic attempts to destroy him have come to naught!
CHILD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [more urgent] Mommy!
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 He will grow into his destiny and rule over all of creation!
CHILD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sharp] Mommy!
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Honey, mommy's busy.\xa0 And throw the entire world into chaos!
CHILD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [almost crying] Mommy!
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 All right, mommy's done now.\xa0 [babytalk]\xa0 Woochie wanna, wittle son of evil?
CHILD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Wanna see what I can do?
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Isn't he cute!\xa0 Whatcha gonna do, my baby beelzebub?\xa0 [eager] Gonna spin your head around? Gonna spit fire?
CHILD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [teasing] Nooo.\xa0
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Gonna rend these naughty nice people into tiny itsy bitsy bloody wittle chunks?
CHILD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Noooo.
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Whatcha gonna do then, my tiny tormentor?\xa0 Show mommy!
CHILD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Okay.\xa0 I try and rerember.\xa0 [breath, noise of concentration]
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 oh, his first evil gesture!\xa0 Anyone have a videophone?\xa0
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Why aren't you and your friends running?
TRUTH\xa0\xa0\xa0 It wouldn\u2019t help.\xa0 Why aren\u2019t you?
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Leona'd kill me if I lost the scoop.
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Do you need help lacing your fingers together honey?
CHILD\xa0\xa0\xa0 No!\xa0 I can do it myself.
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [brimming over with pride] Of course you can.\xa0 Of course you can!
CHILD\xa0\xa0\xa0 There.\xa0 Now mommy watch!
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm watching hun.\xa0 Oh, if only your father could see you now!
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 His father--?\xa0 Ohh.
CHILD\xa0\xa0\xa0 See my hands?\xa0
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yes!\xa0 Knotted together like one big fist.\xa0 Will you smite your enemies?
CHILD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Whass smite?
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'll explain it later - go on and show me what you wanted to show me
CHILD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [starts speaking, but very quiet]
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Honey, can you speak up?\xa0 Just a little?\xa0 Mommy can\u2019t hear you!
CHILD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [deep sigh of exasperation]\xa0 Listen!\xa0 This is the church.\xa0 This [small noise of effort] is the steeple.\xa0 Open the doors and [more effort, then triumphant] see all the people!\xa0
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [horrified] What?
CHILD\xa0\xa0\xa0 See all the people, mommy?\xa0 My finners are the people in the church!
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [big screamy accusation] You!\xa0 You've ruined him!
CHILD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Mommy!\xa0 See the people in the church!
SELENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [breaking into sobs] All that hard work!\xa0 The lederhosen!\xa0 Nooooo!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 RUNNING AWAY, nooooing
BRUCE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [yelling after her] Hey?\xa0 Hey lady?\xa0 Are we still getting paid?
MUSIC
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [end of a story]\xa0 So sister Hygiene took him back in for some milk and cookies and a round of kumbaya.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 RATTLE OF 8x10s
Chief\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nice work Leo.\xa0 We'll have to touch up the pics, maybe give the kid some horns--
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nah put em on the mom.\xa0 She earned it.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Next you'll want an artist's rendition of Selena in lederhosen cavorting with Satan--
CHIEF\xa0\xa0\xa0 [avid] Great idea!\xa0 Very sexy!\xa0 I like.\xa0 I want the copy on my desk first thing tomorrow.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS - NEWSROOM NOISE IN BG
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 [weakly protesting] But- but we just got back--
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PHONE DIALING
CHIEF\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hello?\xa0 Victoria's Secret?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [trying to keep from shuddering] Come on.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SHUTS, AMB NEWSROOM AGAIN
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 How can I get something done by tomorrow morning?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Same way you got through college.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SWINGS OPEN
CHIEF\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hey, Leo - you ever come up with a nickname for the kid here?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, yeah.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 You did?
LEONA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Smoothie.\xa0 Smoothie Walsh.
THEO\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, no way-- [arguing, trails off as the sound pans back across the room.
REPORTER DAVE\xa0\xa0\xa0 So the potato shaped like Princess Di saved your life?\xa0 How did that--
REPORTER RANDY\xa0\xa0\xa0 How could you not notice the minute she took her clothes off?\xa0 Oh, a hologram field?\xa0 You never mentioned--
REPORTER WES\xa0\xa0\xa0 And that was when you saw his third eye?\xa0 Are you sure that it was Dick Cheney?
REPORTER BRYAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [screaming] We have a ratboy sighting!
CLOSER
\xa0
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