19 Nocturne Boulevard - THE SAKI QUARTETTE - Reissue
Adapted by Julie Hoverson from several stories by Saki (H.H. Munro).
\xa0
Four girls waiting for punishment tell tales of pranks they've pulled.
Cast List
- Vera - Beverly Poole
- Matilda - Lyndsey Thomas
- Helen - Julie Hoverson
- Nora - Chandra Wade
- Alice - Xandria Nirvana Barber
\xa0\xa0\xa0 Shock Tactics
- Heasant - Megan Lane
- Bertie - Jasper Loovis
The Boar-Pig\xa0
- Stossen - Jody Montague
- Miss Stossen - Hillary Dixon
The Storyteller
- Bachelor - Cole Hornaday
The Open Window
- Nuttel - Kim Turner
- Aunt - Robyn Keyes
- Uncle - Rick Lewis
Alice's stunt doubles
- Caira Greenfield and Draven Schoberg
Music:\xa0 Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)
Editing and Sound: \xa0 Julie Hoverson
Cover Photo:\xa0 Daniel O'Connell (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com)
"What kind of a place is it? Why it's an Edwardian girls' school, can't you tell?\xa0
This way to the Headmistress' office..."
http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/OpeWin.shtml
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[transcript follows]
The Saki Quartette
Adapted by Julie Hoverson from several stories.
I am a huge fan of H.H. Munro, who wrote under the pen name Saki in the early years of the 20th century.\xa0 His career ended prematurely when he was killed in The Great War at the age of 46.
Saki is mainly remembered today for the amazing story "The Open Window," which I encourage everyone to read before listening to this episode, so I don't spoil it for you.\xa0 It's available on Project Gutenberg, you can get a reading on librivox, it's around.\xa0 It is considered to be one of the best short stories ever written in English, right up there with The Lottery by Shirley Jackson.
While Saki wrote a number of supernatural, suspense, or speculative stories, his forte was relatively cruel humor - but always inflicted on those pompous enough that you didn\u2019t feel too badly for them.\xa0 And since nobody really got hurt - unless you take it from a modern "mental damage" perspective, you can laugh.\xa0 Clovis Sangrail was an ever-recurrent character who sailed through many stories leaving havoc in his wake, but Vera from The Open Window reappeared from time to time as well (later described as a "flapper") - the two of them intersecting in The Almanac.
This episode is an homage to Saki, and incorporates elements from four of his short stories - Shock Tactics, The Boar-Pig, The Storyteller, and of course The Open Window - with a bit of wrap story that is entirely my own.
Three of the four principal girls were from my old high school's drama department, the fourth was me.\xa0 Several of the other voices were drawn from ART (American Radio Theater).\xa0 It's not a perfect recording - we can't seem to keep the pronunciation of "aunt" straight between us (including me) - and I hadn\u2019t yet learned how to clean tracks perfectly yet, but overall it's fun and quite funny.
Episodes like this were one reason I determined form the start that I wasn't going to nail myself into a "horror story" format.\xa0 The name "19 Nocturne Boulevard" is suggestive of the dark side, but open-ended enough to go anywhere I wanted to go.
And as an aside, it has nothing to do with nocturne alley, is it, from Harry Potter?\xa0 Several people have commented on that, but when I created 19 Nocturne Boulevard, it was sometime around 2006, and I hadn\u2019t - I may have heard of Harry Potter, but I never actually read the books.\xa0 This was entirely on my own.\xa0 It\u2019s not a pun like Nocturne alley - nocturnally - was.
I remember the summer of sitting there and thinking I want a number, and an address that sounds cool - what's a cool street? While sitting around at meetings of American Radio Theater.
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SAKI QUARTETTE
\xa0
Cast:
- Olivia, host
- Vera [open window] [15], sly
- Matilda [boar-pig] [14], mischievous
- Helen [shock tactics] [10], eager
- Nora [storyteller] [11], shy, rules-bound
- Alice [15], older girl, screams a lot
[Shock Tactics]
- Bertie, Helen's older brother
- Heasant, their mother
[Boar-Pig]
- Stossen
- Miss Stossen
[Storyteller]
- Bachelor
[open window]
- Nuttel
- Vera's Aunt
- Vera's Uncle
OLIVIA \xa0\xa0\xa0Did you have any trouble finding it?\xa0 What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?\xa0 Why, it's an Edwardian girls' school, can't you tell?\xa0 This way to the headmistress's office.
MUSIC\xa0\xa0 CHEEKY MUSIC FADES INTO
SOUND\xa0\xa0 CHEERFUL RUNNING CHILDREN, THEN FADES
SOUND\xa0\xa0 CLOCK TICKS LOUDLY, then under
[three girls sit on a bench outside the headmistress' office, waiting to be punished]
SOUND\xa0\xa0 COUGHS, FIDGETS.\xa0 SMALL FOOT KICKING CHAIR.
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Why send us here if we're only to wait?
NORA\xa0\xa0 [startled] \xa0Huh? \xa0What?
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Oh, Nora.\xa0 I wish I could sleep with my eyes open.\xa0 I said, 'Why--'
ALICE\xa0\xa0 [superior] \xa0To put us into the proper frame of mind.\xa0 To contemplate our misdeeds.\xa0
HELEN \xa0\xa0\xa0That's silly - I've been thinking about anything and everything BUT my misdeeds.
ALICE\xa0\xa0 That's adults for you.
SOUND\xa0\xa0 FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.\xa0 MATILDA SITS.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Well, well.\xa0 Fresh blood?
ALICE\xa0\xa0 They don't look very promising.
HELEN \xa0\xa0\xa0[huff] I'll have you know I've been called on the carpet plenty of times--
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 [sweetly, cutting her off] --don't care.\xa0 Besides, I wasn't referring to that.\xa0 [aside, to Alice]\xa0 You're right, they're not much good.\xa0 I think one of 'em is a waxwork.
ALICE\xa0\xa0 Oh, well--
SOUND\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS.\xa0 SLOW FOOTSTEPS.
VERA\xa0\xa0 [heaves a deep sigh]\xa0 Your turn, Miss Tramplethorpe.
ALICE\xa0\xa0 Once more into the breach.
SOUND\xa0\xa0 BENCH SQUEAKS AS SHE STANDS.\xa0 SLOW FOOTSTEPS.\xa0 DOOR SHUTS.
VERA\xa0\xa0 If you don't mind, I'll join you for a bit.
NORA\xa0\xa0 But you should be getting back--
SOUND \xa0\xa0\xa0FOOTSTEPS, BENCH
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Not a mannequin, then.\xa0 No one will notice, at least for a bit.\xa0 Was it truly awful, Vera?
VERA\xa0\xa0 Rather.\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0 MUFFLED BY DOOR, SOUND OF SIX SMACKS [RULER ACROSS HAND] UNDERLIE THE TALKING.
NORA\xa0\xa0 What did you do?\xa0 What did ...she do?
VERA\xa0\xa0 I?\xa0 I did nothing.\xa0 I will swear it to my grave.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 It's vulgar to ask for details.
HELEN\xa0\xa0 I talked back to a teacher.\xa0 I've been told.\xa0 She didn't make any mention of it at the time, but I got a note sending me here.
NORA\xa0\xa0 It's all quiet now, is it ...over?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Of course not.\xa0 There's always castigation.\xa0
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Isn't that immodest?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 [sighs impatiently]
VERA\xa0\xa0 It means Miss Twicket will be talking at her for some time.\xa0 Then there may be more strokes, depending on whether she is contrite.
NORA\xa0\xa0 Are you contrite?
HELEN\xa0\xa0 [superior] It's vulgar to ask.
VERA\xa0\xa0 [chuckles] But I'm not.\xa0 It was entirely worth it.\xa0 [to Matilda, over the smaller girls] \xa0I'll have to get back soon, Matilda, should we have a quick go-round?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Without Alice?
SOUND\xa0\xa0 ALICE WAILS, MUFFLED BY THE DOOR.
VERA\xa0\xa0 [wincing] She'll likely be a while.\xa0
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 What about the small fry?
NORA\xa0\xa0 That's not very nice.
HELEN \xa0\xa0\xa0I'll have you know--
VERA\xa0\xa0 Oh, let's.\xa0 They'll never split on us - will you?
NORA\xa0\xa0 But - but - but what is it you--?
HELEN\xa0\xa0 [eager] I'll never tell.\xa0 I'm not a sneak.
NORA\xa0\xa0 But we don't even know what--
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Promise or you'll never know.
HELEN\xa0\xa0 I promise.\xa0 I'll never reveal anything, even under torture with wild horses.
NORA\xa0\xa0 Well...
HELEN\xa0\xa0 If you don't promise, you're doing me out, too.
NORA\xa0\xa0 [reluctant]\xa0 I don't know.\xa0 Ow!\xa0 [she's been pinched] I won't tell!!\xa0
VERA and MATILDA laugh.
VERA\xa0\xa0 It's not so very awful, ducklings.\xa0 We have a bit of a club - we call it the Ducks and Geese.\xa0 We each take any chance we get to play little tricks on people, and then share the stories.\xa0 We're the ducks...
HELEN\xa0\xa0 And they are the Geese? \xa0
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Yes.\xa0 And whomever has the best story, wins.\xa0
NORA\xa0\xa0 Wins?\xa0 What?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Vera here is quite a champion liar.
VERA\xa0\xa0 [correcting]\xa0 I prefer the term "romancer."
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 We always meet here, so we all have to get ourselves into scrapes from time to time, just so we can link up.
HELEN\xa0\xa0 [excited, but controlling herself]\xa0 How does one join?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 You have to have a story.\xa0 Something good.\xa0 I've got a lovely one from last summer holiday.
VERA\xa0\xa0 Oh, I expect I can top it.
SOUND\xa0\xa0 SLAPPING AGAIN, SIX OF THE BEST.\xa0
ALICE \xa0\xa0\xa0[off] [HOWLS in pain]
HELEN\xa0\xa0 [chagrined] \xa0Oh.\xa0 Goodness.\xa0 [beat] well, I haven't really...
NORA\xa0\xa0 I would never--
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 [dry]\xa0 I'm shocked.\xa0 [to Vera]\xa0 Oh, well, we'll have to talk later.\xa0 Perhaps Alice will be out soon.
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Since I didn't know to prepare, what if I have a truly lovely story, even though it wasn't me that did the joke?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 I don't think so.\xa0 Sorry.
VERA\xa0\xa0 Well...\xa0 We might listen.\xa0 It will pass some time, and then we can deliberate.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 It had better be good.
HELEN\xa0\xa0 I think so - My older brother has a friend--
VERA\xa0\xa0 Oh, not a friend of a friend tale - those are old enough to have beards.
HELEN\xa0\xa0 --this friend is quite the card.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 An ace or a joker?
HELEN\xa0\xa0 His name is Clovis Sangrail.
[SILENCE FOR A MOMENT]
VERA\xa0\xa0 Oh-ho!\xa0
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Truly? \xa0You know Clovis?\xa0 Perhaps we should make you a member just on the basis of that.\xa0
NORA\xa0\xa0 Who is Clovis Singrill?
VERA\xa0\xa0 [very superior] Sangrail.\xa0 He is our own Jove - the very top of the tree when it comes to our sort of japes.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Absolutely the lobster's dress shirt.\xa0 Though if I do say so myself, a distant cousin of mine, Reginald, is starting to make a good showing.
VERA\xa0\xa0 Go on, then.\xa0 You must tell us your Clovis story.\xa0 We might decide to be kind, even if it would be nepotism of a sort.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Clever by association.\xa0 What was your name, again, duckling?
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Helen.\xa0 Well, my oldest brother Bertie was chafing terribly, since being nearly 20, he felt mother should stop reading his private correspondence.
VERA\xa0\xa0 Oh, I cured mine of that long ago.
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Yes, but Bertie's simply not assertive - not on his own.\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0 MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK SCENE
HELEN\xa0\xa0 [fading] So one day, a letter arrives...
MRS. HEASANT\xa0\xa0 [off, a wail, then coming on]\xa0 Ohhh!\xa0 Helen!\xa0 Oh, heavens, Helen!\xa0 Bertie is in the toils of an adventuress!\xa0 [ominously]\xa0 Her name is Clotilde!
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Truly, mother?\xa0 Where?\xa0 In the rose garden?
MRS. HEASANT\xa0\xa0 No!\xa0 In the post!
HELEN\xa0\xa0 How did they fit in the post?
MRS. HEASANT\xa0\xa0 Hssh!\xa0 Listen to this:\xa0 "Bertie, carissimo, I wonder if you will have the nerve to do it. \xa0Don't forget the jewels. \xa0They are a detail, but details interest me.\xa0 Yours as ever, Clotilde.\xa0 Postscript - Your mother must not know of my existence. \xa0If questioned swear you never heard of me."\xa0
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Clotilde?\xa0 I don't know of any--
MRS. HEASANT\xa0\xa0 Well, your brother certainly does!
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Perhaps he only just--
MRS. HEASANT\xa0\xa0 Oh, no!\xa0 "As Ever" she says!\xa0 As ever!\xa0 They've been carrying on under my very nose for ...who knows how long.
HELEN\xa0\xa0 [narrating]\xa0 When my brother returned home, mother braced him with the incriminating Clotilde, and of course he denied it.
MRS. HEASANT\xa0\xa0 How well you have learned your lesson!
HELEN\xa0\xa0 He really didn't make much of it, and when she insisted he would have no dinner unless he confessed, I saw him take rather a quantity of sandwich materials up to his room with him.\xa0 Then, with the next post:
NORA\xa0\xa0 [completely enthralled] Another letter?
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Oh, yes.\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0 INSISTENT KNOCKING ON DOOR
BERTIE\xa0\xa0 [muffled, speaking through door]\xa0 What is it this time?
MRS. HEASANT\xa0\xa0 Miserable boy!\xa0 What have you done to Dagmar?
BERTIE \xa0\xa0\xa0[muffled]\xa0 It's Dagmar now, is it?\xa0 It will be Geraldine next.
MRS. HEASANT\xa0\xa0 [in absolute hysterics] \xa0That it should come to this, after all my efforts.\xa0 It's no use; Clotilde's letter betrays everything.\xa0 [reading] "Poor Dagmar. \xa0Now she is done for I almost pity her. \xa0The servants all think it was suicide. \xa0Better not touch the jewels till after the inquest. \xa0Clotilde."\xa0 [leaves off with a wail]
SOUND\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS
BERTIE\xa0\xa0 I don't suppose this letter betrays who this Clotilde is?\xa0 Seriously, mother, if you go on like this I shall have to go fetch a doctor; I've often enough been preached at about nothing, but I've never had an imaginary harem dragged into the discussion.
SOUND\xa0\xa0 DOOR SLAMS
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Mother could have used a doctor, for she was utterly purple about the face from screaming, and had to go and have a lie down - at least until the next post.
SOUND\xa0\xa0 KNOCKING ON DOOR, MUCH SUBDUED
MRS. HEASANT\xa0\xa0 [also much subdued] Bertie?\xa0 Bertie, darling?
BERTIE\xa0\xa0 What is it this time?\xa0 Have I stolen the Mona Lisa?
MRS. HEASANT\xa0\xa0 No.\xa0 You... have another letter.\xa0 From ... Mr.\xa0Sangrail.\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0 DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN
BERTIE\xa0\xa0 [not giving an inch]\xa0 Why not go on and tell me what he has to say?\xa0
MRS. HEASENT\xa0\xa0 [clears throat, then reads, much abashed]\xa0 "Dear Bertie.\xa0 I hope I haven't distracted your brain with the spoof letters. \xa0You told me the other day that ...somebody... at your home [ahem] tampered with your letters, so I thought I would give them something exciting to read. [slowing with embarrassment] \xa0The... shock might do them good..."
HELEN\xa0\xa0 [finishing up]\xa0 And then, Bertie threatened to get a nerve specialist in to look at mother, since she was obviously far too highly strung - and she couldn't possibly stand the scandal, she said - and they agreed he wouldn't - but only if she would stop.\xa0 Reading his mail, you see.
NORA\xa0\xa0 [concerned] \xa0But, did she?
HELEN\xa0\xa0 [ominous] So far.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 We'll review your application.\xa0 Next?
NORA\xa0\xa0 I?\xa0 Oh, I truly don't have anything...
VERA\xa0\xa0 [warning] You'd best think of something.\xa0 We can't have outsiders hearing all our secrets.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 I'll go ahead and tell mine - it's not so exotic as to cause a panic, and it will give this little gosling time to think.
VERA\xa0\xa0 I suppose so.\xa0 What do you think, Helen?
HELEN\xa0\xa0 [surprised and thrilled] Me?\xa0 Oh!\xa0 [trying to sound grown up and important]\xa0 Oh.\xa0 I think we should give her one more chance.\xa0 She had no time to prepare, after all.
SOUND\xa0\xa0 SMACKING AGAIN FROM WITHIN, ALICE WAILS
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Speaking of preparing - I'd best be quick, as I believe I'm next for the chop.\xa0 Very well, I was staying with my aunt in the country, and it was the day of a very important garden party - some princess was attending and everyone wanted to come.\xa0 My aunt gloated over the guest list for days.\xa0
VERA\xa0\xa0 What is it with aunts?\xa0 It's as if we all have at least one who is utterly impossible.
NORA\xa0\xa0 [something is coming to her] Ah!\xa0 Aunts...
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Mine told me to be on my best behavior, and to imitate my insipid cousin, Claude, which would have been quite horrible.\xa0
HELEN\xa0\xa0 [bold, trying to sound knowing] I think everyone must have a cousin Claude or Eggbert, or ... something [falters] as... as well as an aunt...
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 [sigh, eye roll] So... so, when they got on me for eating too much raspberry trifle at luncheon, they said over and over that Claude would never do a thing like that.\xa0 So when Claude went down for his nap - imagine, he's all of 11 and still goes meekly to afternoon naps like an infant.
GIRLS \xa0\xa0\xa0[SNICKER]
VERA\xa0\xa0 He's the type who will end up married to someone quite overbearing.
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Like an aunt?
GIRLS \xa0\xa0\xa0[SNICKER TERRIBLY]
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 While he was napping, I took the opportunity to take a huge dish of raspberry trifle and force feed it to him - well, much of it got on his sailor suit and the bed, but enough went down him that they will never again be able to say he's never eaten too much raspberry trifle.
VERA\xa0\xa0 Oh, that's a good one!
NORA\xa0\xa0 I do have a story!
MATILDA \xa0\xa0I'm not finished - that is merely the prologue to my tale, explaining why I was sitting in the back paddock, rather than prancing about the garden party with Claude and Auntie.
NORA\xa0\xa0 Oh!\xa0 I'm so--
VERA\xa0\xa0 Shh.\xa0 Pray continue, scherezade.
HELEN\xa0\xa0 I thought her name was Matilda?
VERA\xa0\xa0 Oh, hush.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 [taking a deep breath]\xa0 So I was sitting in a medlar tree, being stupefied with boredom, when I saw two ladies, dressed as if for the garden party, sail through the paddock in an attempt at infiltration.
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Weren't they rather obvious?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 There was really no one there to see, excepting myself.\xa0 And they never once looked up as they passed by.\xa0 Well, with no ulterior motive in mind, I decided to let aunt's prize boar-pig, Tarquin Superbus, into the paddock behind them.\xa0 It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I knew the gate they were aiming for was locked and they would be forced to come back the same way.
GIRLS \xa0\xa0\xa0[GIGGLE]
SOUND\xa0\xa0 MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 So, when they did...
SOUND\xa0\xa0 OUTDOORS AMBIANCE.\xa0 BIRDS.\xa0 SLIGHT PIG SNUFFLING IN THE BACKGROUND
MRS. STOSSEN\xa0\xa0 [fading in] I stopped Mrs. Cuvering in the road yesterday and talked very pointedly about the Princess. \xa0If she didn't choose to take the hint and send me an invitation it's not my fault, is it?
SOUND\xa0\xa0 DEEP PIG NOISES
MISS STOSSEN\xa0\xa0 Oh!
MRS. STOSSEN\xa0\xa0 Oomph! [pulling up short, irritated] What?\xa0 Oh!\xa0 What a villainous-looking animal, it wasn't there when we came in.
MISS STOSSEN\xa0\xa0 It's there now, anyhow.\xa0 I mean, what on earth are we to do?
I wish we had never come.
BOTH STOSSENS\xa0\xa0 Shoo!\xa0 Hish!
SOUND\xa0\xa0 CLOSER, DEEP PIG NOISES
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 [slightly off] If you think you'll drive him away by reciting lists of the kings of Israel and Judah, you're laying yourselves out for disappointment.
MRS. STOSSEN\xa0\xa0 Oh!\xa0 Little girl!\xa0
MISS STOSSEN\xa0\xa0 Can you find someone to drive away--
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 [French] Comment? Comprends-pas. [cohm-oh? cohm-prawn pah - what? I don't understand]
NOTE\xa0\xa0 MATILDA'S FRENCH IS REASONABLY SMOOTH.\xa0 MRS. STOSSEN'S IS VERY BAD.
MRS. STOSSEN\xa0\xa0 Oh, are you French?\xa0 Etes vous Francaise? [et voo fran-sehz? - are you French?]
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Pas du tout.\xa0 Suis Anglaise.\xa0 [pah doo toot.\xa0 sweez ahn-glehz - not at all.\xa0 I'm English]
MRS. STOSSEN\xa0\xa0 Then why not talk English?\xa0 I want to know if--
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Permettez-moi expliquer.\xa0 [pair-meh-tay mwa eks-plee-kay - let me explain] [narrating again] And I went into a rather long description of Claude and aunt and the raspberry trifle, ending with -- [slightly off again] ...and as an additional punishment I must speak French all the afternoon. \xa0I've had to tell you all this in English, as there were words like 'forcible feeding' that I didn't know the French for. \xa0Mais maintenant, nous parlons francais.\xa0 [may mant-noh, new par-lon frahn-say - and now, we will speak French]
MRS. STOSSEN\xa0\xa0 Oh, very well, tres bien [tray bee-ehn].\xa0 [with much difficulty] La, a l'autre cote de la porte, est...um... [la, a low-truh coat de la port, ehst... - there, on the other side of the door, is...]\xa0
[to Miss S] um, a pig?
MISS STOSSEN\xa0\xa0 Oh, goodness, un grenouille? [uhn grahn-wee?]
MRS. STOSSEN \xa0\xa0\xa0No, no. \xa0I'm reasonably certain that's a frog.\xa0 Oh, yes - un cochon. [uhn koh-shawn - a pig]
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Un cochon? Ah, le petit charmant! [uhn koh-shawn?\xa0 Ah, le pet-eet shar-mont! - a pig,oh the little sweet!]
MRS. STOSSEN\xa0\xa0 Mais non, pas du tout petit, et pas du tout charmant; un bete feroce!\xa0 [may noh, pah doo too peh-teet, ay pah doo too shar-mont; un bet feh-rohs! - but no, not at all little, and not at all sweet; a beast ferocious!]
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Une bete. [Oon bet]\xa0 A pig is masculine as long as you call it a pig, but if you lose your temper with it and call it a ferocious beast it becomes one of us at once. \xa0French is a dreadfully unsexing language.
MRS. STOSSEN\xa0\xa0 For goodness' sake let us talk English then.\xa0
MISS STOSSEN\xa0\xa0 Is there any way out of this garden except through the paddock where the pig is?
SOUND\xa0\xa0 OUTSIDE AMBIENCE ENDS ABRUPTLY
SOUND\xa0\xa0 FOOTSTEPS IN HALLWAY
GIRLS \xa0\xa0\xa0[SHUSH THEMSELVES, PRACTICALLY STOPPING BREATHING, AS THE FOOTSTEPS GET CLOSER.]
NORA\xa0\xa0 [Hiccups.\xa0 She tries to smother it, but cannot.]
HELEN\xa0\xa0 [whispered] Shh.\xa0 Hold your breath!
SOUND\xa0\xa0 THE FOOTSTEPS ARE RIGHT ON THEM, AND STOP.
HELEN\xa0\xa0 [gasp]
NORA\xa0\xa0 [Hiccups continue.\xa0 She is almost crying with the effort of trying to stop.]
SOUND\xa0\xa0 FOOTSTEPS GO OFF.\xa0 AS SOON AS THEY ARE OUT OF EARSHOT--
VERA\xa0\xa0 Whew.\xa0 She's a tartar.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Not a sympathetic bone in her body.
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Why didn't she say anything?
VERA\xa0\xa0 She knows we're already in for it.
NORA\xa0\xa0 Well, [hiccup] you've already been in for it - was it really that [hiccup] bad?
SOUND\xa0\xa0 AS IF ON CUE, SMACKING AND ALICE'S WHIMPERS FROM BEHIND THE DOOR.
NORA\xa0\xa0 [gasps - her hiccups are now gone]
HELEN\xa0\xa0 So what happened with your boar-pig?\xa0 Did he devour the invaders?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Devour them?\xa0 Oh no - Tarquin Superbus prefers rotten fruit to interlopers any day.\xa0 They bribed me to lead him away.\xa0 I don't think they were best pleased about it, once they realized what a sweet disposition he has.
NORA\xa0\xa0 But of course, they were in the wrong, trying to crash a party like that.\xa0 So you were merely punishing them.
VERA\xa0\xa0 Right and wrong have less than nothing to do with it.\xa0 We're not the courts, or even public opinion.\xa0 A joke is a joke, even if it's on a perfectly nice person who doesn't deserve it in the least.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Though it is much more fun, and less likely to get one into severe hot water, when the person joked on can't complain without revealing their own shortcomings.
NORA\xa0\xa0 I --
VERA\xa0\xa0 Speak up gosling.\xa0 A sentence is comprised of at least two words.
NORA\xa0\xa0 [whispered] I might ... have a story.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Five!\xa0 And with a full stop.\xa0 Alright, then, pray continue.
NORA\xa0\xa0 We were on a train.\xa0 It was some years back, and my aunt was exceedingly boring.\xa0 There was a gentleman in the carriage with us, and when he stooped so low as to criticize my aunt's storytelling abilities, she dared him to tell one.
MUSIC\xa0\xa0 FOR FLASHBACK
NORA\xa0\xa0 [sounding very young throughout flashbacks] Yes, please - tell us a story!\xa0 [narrating] Anything would have been better than my aunt's stories - you would have thought she was never a child herself.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 I say, there's an idea - perhaps aunts arrive like motorcars, fully assembled from the factory?
VERA\xa0\xa0 Shh.\xa0 Give ear to the duckling.
NORA\xa0\xa0 [pause] Oh, me?\xa0 Yes.\xa0 Well, the story--
SOUND\xa0\xa0 MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK.\xa0 TRAIN LOOP BEHIND BACHELOR
BACHELOR \xa0\xa0\xa0Very well.\xa0 Once upon a time, there was a little girl called Bertha, who was extraordinarily good.\xa0 She did all that she was told, she was always truthful, she kept her clothes clean, learned her lessons perfectly, and was polite in her manners.\xa0 She was ...horribly good.
VERA\xa0\xa0 [slightly off] Can one be horribly good?\xa0 Truly?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 [slightly off] Claude.\xa0 Definitely.
VERA\xa0\xa0 [agreeing] Mm.
BACHELOR\xa0\xa0 She was so good, that she won several medals for goodness, which she always wore, pinned on to her dress.\xa0 They were large metal medals and they clinked against one another as she walked. \xa0No other child in the town where she lived had as many as three medals, so everybody knew that she must be an extra good child.
NORA\xa0\xa0 [young, gleeful] Horribly good.
BACHELOR\xa0\xa0 The Prince got to hear about Bertha, and said that as she was so very good she might walk in his park.\xa0
NORA\xa0\xa0 [young] Were there any sheep in his park?
BACHELOR\xa0\xa0 No.\xa0 There were no sheep.
NORA\xa0\xa0 [young] Why weren't there any sheep?
BACHELOR\xa0\xa0 Because the Prince's mother had once had a dream that her son would either be killed by a sheep or else by a clock falling on him. The Prince never kept a sheep in his park or a clock in his palace.
VERA\xa0\xa0 Oh, very good.\xa0
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Was this fellow passenger by any chance a long, lithe, languid type with a somewhat nasal voice?
NORA\xa0\xa0 No, why?
VERA\xa0\xa0 She was wondering whether you've encountered Clovis as well.\xa0 Roll along.
NORA\xa0\xa0 Oh, so, um, he said the park was full of little black, gray, and white pigs, and --
BACHELOR\xa0\xa0 --Bertha was rather sorry to find that there were no flowers in the park. She had promised her aunts, with tears in her eyes, that she would not pick any of the kind Prince's flowers, and she had meant to keep her promise, so of course it made her feel silly to find that there were no flowers to pick.
NORA \xa0\xa0\xa0[young] Why weren't there any flowers?
BACHELOR\xa0\xa0 Because the pigs had eaten them all.
VERA\xa0\xa0 [to Matilda] You know, I'm becoming quite convinced you're right, though the story hardly sounds vicious enough for Clovis.
NORA\xa0\xa0 Oh, I just haven't gotten to the-- um...
VERA\xa0\xa0 To the "um..."?\xa0 Very well.
NORA\xa0\xa0 Bertha was just thinking--
BACHELOR\xa0\xa0 [falsetto] --'If I were not so extraordinarily good I should not have been allowed to come into this beautiful park,' and her medals clinked against one another to remind her how very good she was. \xa0Just then an enormous wolf came prowling into the park to see if it could catch a fat little pig for its supper.\xa0 The first thing that it saw in the park was Bertha; her pinafore was so spotlessly white and clean that it could be seen from a great distance.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 I have never heard a better argument against cleanliness.\xa0 I shall go out and get myself despicably filthy forthwith.
HELEN\xa0\xa0 After your visit inside.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 [annoyed] THANK you.\xa0 I had actually managed to forget that for a bit.
NORA\xa0\xa0 [quickly jumps in]\xa0 Bertha saw the wolf and she began to wish that she had never been allowed to come into the park...
BACHELOR\xa0\xa0 ...She ran as hard as she could, and the wolf came after her with huge leaps and bounds. \xa0She managed to reach a shrubbery of myrtle bushes and hid herself. \xa0The wolf came sniffing among the branches, its pale grey eyes glaring with rage. \xa0Bertha was terribly frightened, and thought to herself: [falsetto] \xa0'If I had not been so extraordinarily good I should have been safe in the town at this moment.' \xa0However, the scent of the myrtle was so strong that the wolf could not sniff out where Bertha was, so he thought he might as well go off and catch a little pig instead. \xa0
VERA\xa0\xa0 Definitely not Clovis.
NORA\xa0\xa0 [cross, almost yelling]\xa0 LET ME FINISH!
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Hmph!\xa0 Well, proceed.
NORA\xa0\xa0 Bertha trembled and the medal for obedience clinked against the medals for good conduct and punctuality. \xa0
BACHELOR\xa0\xa0 The wolf heard the sound of the medals clinking and dashed into the bush, dragged Bertha out, and devoured her to the last morsel. \xa0All that was left were her shoes, bits of clothing, and three medals for goodness.
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Were any of the little pigs killed?
MATILDA and VERA laugh somewhat scornfully
NORA\xa0\xa0 Funny, that's just what my brother asked.\xa0 No.\xa0 They all got away.\xa0 We all agreed it was the most beautiful story we'd ever heard - well, except for aunt, who seemed to find it highly improper.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 We shall have to write to Clovis and find out if he's been engaged in the railway storytelling circuit.
VERA\xa0\xa0 [chuckles]\xa0
NORA\xa0\xa0 This was some years ago, when I was quite young.
VERA and MATILDA chuckle again.\xa0 HELEN joins in, but a bit too loudly.
VERA\xa0\xa0 I fear, my darlings, that I shall still take the palm today, for I had occasion recently for the most stupendous jape of all...\xa0
[PAUSE]
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Well?
VERA\xa0\xa0 I am composing myself.
NORA\xa0\xa0 [gasps]
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Oh, not again.
NORA\xa0\xa0 [hastily reassuring] No, no.
VERA\xa0\xa0 I am ready.\xa0 I must be careful and include all the vitally important details, for this was more than a mere trick on an aunt...
SOUND\xa0\xa0 MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK
VERA\xa0\xa0 [narrating] There was a tedious little man visiting our neighborhood for some sort of rest cure.\xa0 [to Nuttel] \xa0Do you know many of the people round here?
NUTTEL\xa0\xa0 Hardly a soul.\xa0 My sister stayed nearby some four years ago, and she gave me letters of introduction to some of the people here.
VERA\xa0\xa0 [calculating] \xa0Then you know practically nothing about my aunt?
HELEN\xa0\xa0 More aunts?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Aunts are universal.\xa0 Now Shh.
NUTTEL \xa0\xa0\xa0Only your aunt and uncle's names and the address.
VERA\xa0\xa0 Uncle.\xa0 Oh I see.\xa0 [confidential] Aunt's great tragedy happened just three years ago.\xa0 That would be since your sister's time.
NUTTEL\xa0\xa0 T-Tragedy?
VERA\xa0\xa0 You may wonder why we keep that French window wide open on an October afternoon.
NUTTEL\xa0\xa0 It is quite warm for the time of the year, but ... tragedy?
VERA\xa0\xa0 [ominous] Out through that window, three years ago to a day, Aunt's husband and brothers went off shooting... and never came back. \xa0In crossing the moor, they were engulfed in a treacherous piece of bog. \xa0Their bodies were never recovered. [voice breaks] \xa0That was the dreadful part of it.\xa0 Poor aunt thinks that they will come back some day, with uncle's little brown spaniel, and walk in that window just as they used to do. \xa0[almost a whisper]\xa0 Do you know, sometimes on still, quiet evenings like this, I almost get a creepy feeling that they will all walk in through that window-- [shudder]
NUTTEL\xa0\xa0 Uh, yes...
SOUND\xa0\xa0 DOOR, SWIFT FOOTSTEPS
AUNT\xa0\xa0 I hope Vera has been amusing you?
NUTTEL\xa0\xa0 [spooked] She has been very... interesting.
AUNT\xa0\xa0 I hope you don't mind the open window.\xa0 My husband and brothers will be home directly, and they always come in this way.
NUTTEL\xa0\xa0 Um, yes.\xa0 [changing the subject]\xa0 Um, yes - [awkward pause] the doctors agree in ordering me complete rest and an absence of mental excitement.\xa0 On the subject of diet, they are less in agreement.
AUNT\xa0\xa0 [bored] \xa0Ah?\xa0
NUTTEL\xa0\xa0 Some opine that toast with marmalade is better for digestion, while other lean more towards toast without.
AUNT\xa0\xa0 [yawns]
NUTTEL\xa0\xa0 Still other physicians insist on no toast at all.\xa0 On the subject of eggs...
AUNT\xa0\xa0 [brightening]\xa0 Aha! Here they are at last!\xa0 Just in time for tea!
VERA\xa0\xa0 [narrating] I put on my best look of wide-eyed fear and stared - I always think of cats when I do that.
NUTTEL\xa0\xa0 [confused] What?\xa0 [panicked] Ahhh!
SOUND\xa0\xa0 RUNNING FEET, DOOR OPENS, SLAMS CLOSED.
NOTE\xa0\xa0 MILK THIS MOMENT FOR SUSPENSE
SOUND\xa0\xa0 OMINOUSLY SLOW, SQUISHY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.\xa0 DOG YIPS MOURNFULLY, then
UNCLE\xa0\xa0 Here we are, my dear. \xa0Who was that who bolted out as we came up?
AUNT\xa0\xa0 A most extraordinary man, a Mr. Nuttel.\xa0 Could only talk about his illnesses, and dashed off without a word of good-bye or apology when you arrived. \xa0One would think he had seen a ghost.
VERA\xa0\xa0 I expect it was the spaniel.\xa0 [the awful truth]\xa0 He told me he had a horror of dogs. \xa0He was once hunted into a cemetery somewhere on the banks of the Ganges by a pack of pariah dogs, and had to spend the night in a newly dug grave with the creatures snarling and grinning and foaming just above him. \xa0Enough to make anyone lose their nerve.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Oh, bravo - two for the price of one!
NORA\xa0\xa0 How could he be afraid of a Spaniel?\xa0 They're so--
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Silly!\xa0 She was romancing!
NORA\xa0\xa0 Oh.\xa0 [thinks]\xa0 Oh!\xa0
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 And her uncle wasn't dead either.
NORA\xa0\xa0 Well, I - I think I realized that.
SOUND\xa0\xa0 ALICE SCREAMING FROM BEHIND THE DOOR - HORRIBLE AGONY
HELEN\xa0\xa0 What?\xa0
NORA\xa0\xa0 Eek!
VERA\xa0\xa0 [slightly shaken] That sounds dreadful!
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 [very shaken] And I'm next!
SOUND\xa0\xa0 ALICE SCREAMING TAPERS OFF TO A GURGLE
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Poor Alice!
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Maybe the headmistress will wear herself out before she gets to us --
VERA\xa0\xa0 [calculating, then dry] \xa0Perhaps, but then, she'll just summon a few prefects to help.
HELEN\xa0\xa0 Really?\xa0 But - but what could she be doing?
VERA\xa0\xa0 [knowing] Let's see, shall we?
SOUND\xa0\xa0 SLIGHT CREAKS AS SHE TIPTOES TO DOOR
VERA\xa0\xa0 Shh.
[pause]
ALICE \xa0\xa0\xa0[Screams, muffled]
SOUND\xa0\xa0 DOOR SWINGS OPEN
ALICE\xa0\xa0 AAH! [notices door] Ahh?
SOUND\xa0\xa0 SCRAMBLING FEET, THEY ALL COME TO LOOK
NORA\xa0\xa0 Where's the headmistress?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Oh, jolly good one, Alice.\xa0 You gave me such a turn.
SOUND \xa0\xa0SLOW SERIES OF HAND CLAPS
ALICE \xa0\xa0\xa0Yes, yes.\xa0 No autographs, please.\xa0 Screaming does dry out my throat.
HELEN\xa0\xa0 It was just you...?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 I believe, this time, that Alice takes the laurel.\xa0
VERA\xa0\xa0 Oh, I don't think so.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0 Whyever not?
VERA\xa0\xa0 [grinning like a fiend]\xa0 Who do you think sent round the sham detention notices to bring us all here?
SOUND\xa0\xa0 A MOMENT, THEN GENERAL APPLAUSE
NORA\xa0\xa0 [confused] Oh? [getting it] Oh!
MUSIC
OLIVIA\xa0\xa0 Now that you know how to find us, don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...
\xa0