19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week: THE PERFECT PIGEON
A classic-style caper, chock-a-block with art theft, swindling, and romance!
Written and produced by Julie Hoverson
Cast List
Algernon Winthrop - Will Watt
Bartholomew Hetheredge - Glen Hallstrom
Harriet Carter-Nelson - Julie Hoverson
Attendant - Russell Gold
Music by\xa0Lach\xe9 Swing\xa0 (Free Music Archive)
Editing and Sound:\xa0\xa0 Julie Hoverson
Cover Design:\xa0 Julie Hoverson
\xa0\xa0\xa0 (in the style of the Dell Mapback mystery covers)
\xa0\xa0\xa0 with help from Steve Guy
"What kind of a place is it?
Why it's a gentleman's club in the 1930s, can't you tell?"
***********************************************************************
THE PERFECT PIGEON
Cast:
Announcer
Algernon Winthrop, a young gentleman whose profession is art broker - with a secret life as a gentleman thief
Harriet Carter-Nelson, country heiress, who has inherited some paintings
Bartholomew Heatheredge, elder bachelor, friend and confidante of Algernon
Butler, discreet and very well trained
\xa0
\xa0
\xa0
THE PERFECT PIGEON
MUSIC TO OPEN - LIGHT 1930s JAZZ
OLIVIA\xa0\xa0\xa0 What do you mean what kind of place is it? \xa0Why it's a private room in a proper Gentleman's Club in London in the 1930s - can't you tell?
MUSIC
SCENE 1\xa0\xa0\xa0 THE CLUB ROOM
SOUND \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0RADIO PLAYS JAZZ IN ANOTHER ROOM
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Bartholomew, old man - believe it or not, I've been HAD.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [mock incredulous] Algernon Winthrop the third? \xa0"Had"? \xa0Hold on, shh!\xa0 [beat]\xa0 No, no... I don't think I hear the trumpet hailing the end of all things, so how could You possibly--
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hush!\xa0 Do you want to hear the story or not?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [teasing] I dunno - do I?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 You're the only one I can tell, so I expect you can guess what this is in regards to.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [knowing smirk] "Art"?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yes.\xa0 I was approached last Wednesday week by [wistful] a vision of loveliness--
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Male or Female?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Female, of course!\xa0 You know which direction my loveliness runs.\xa0 A trim auburn lass with a back like she'd been born on a horse.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 There is something to be said for centaurs.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 She said she had been referred to me as a leading authority on certain kinds of paintings.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [chuckles expectantly] A-ha!
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, I am!\xa0 And I have the advantage of being outside the normal rope and cap mobs.\xa0
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Someone with no affiliation to bat for.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Correct.\xa0 [sigh]\xa0 She invited me to her country estate, and how could I refuse?\xa0 There are untold treasures hidden in mouldering attics throughout the land!
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Better you than me.\xa0 I loathe the country.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 You loathe anything beyond a ten minute walk from this club.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Very true.\xa0 [arch] \xa0Oh, you've reminded me, we're in a club.\xa0 That means there is hot and cold running alcohol to hand.\xa0 Shall we?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'll stick to a weak Gin and Tonic, if you don't mind.\xa0 I may have ...work... to do later.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh-ho!!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 GENTLE BELL RINGS, GENTLE DOOR OPENS
BUTLER\xa0\xa0\xa0 Sir?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Drinks, please.\xa0 G and T, heavy on the T, and some of that port I'm so fond of.
BUTLER\xa0\xa0\xa0 Excellent selections, sir.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR CLOSES
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [chuckling] He'd say that regardless of what you asked for.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 True, but he would say it with a subtle sneer in his voice.\xa0 Frankly, I can't remember the vintage of the port in question... but apparently he does.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Indispensible.\xa0
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 I know you won't recount anything juicy until he returns, so tell me more about this girl?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Harriet Carter-Nelson.\xa0 Last heir of some family or other.\xa0 Was left the only house not entailed to a distant chinless wonder.\xa0 Took possession, found it rather a crumbling heap, but discovered there were some potentially salable items hidden about the place.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Items in the "canvas" line, I assume?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Precisely.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 TAP AT THE DOOR
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Come in.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 BUTLER ENTERS, PUTS DOWN DRINKS, LEAVES
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sips]\xa0 Perfect.\xa0 Gem of a man.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Can't remember his name any more than the vintage, but I do try and appreciate him whenever I have the chance.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Appreciate him a bit for me, too, would you?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Certainly.\xa0 [drinks] Now, the canvasses.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 After an hour or so of driving - the place was halfway to Inverness - I came upon a stark silhouette set against a striking sunset.\xa0
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 You paint such pictures with your words.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I suppose an eye is an eye, for all that. \xa0Checking the coordinates, I discovered I had arrived.\xa0 More striking still was the vision of loveliness that greeted me at the door.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 NOT a butler, then?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 No. \xa0There was some sort of staff about, but she was expecting me, and made certain to be ready upon my arrival.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Curiouser and curiouser - a woman who doesn\u2019t make one wait an half hour for her entrance?\xa0 I like her already.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [rueful] As do I.\xa0 She lacks that sheen of plasticine that so many women don the moment they "come out" and never seem to take off again.\xa0 Everything about her seemed so natural.\xa0 So genuine.\xa0
MUSIC TRANSITION
\xa0
SCENE 2\xa0\xa0\xa0 OUTSIDE THE HOUSE
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 FROGS, NIGHT NOISES
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm so pleased you found it!\xa0 Come in, come in!\xa0 Oh, no wait - sorry.\xa0 You should turn your car around before the light goes.\xa0 Some of the ground is boggy and it's quite treacherous in the dark.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'll be perfectly fine.
HARRIET \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0[mock sigh] Your funeral.\xa0 Come along.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL THEN WOOD, DOOR SHUTS
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I didn't realize there was any civilization this far into the hinterlands.
HARRIET \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Oh, there isn't.\xa0 Not really.\xa0 But I love it out here.\xa0 The country is so beautiful - nine weeks out of the year.\xa0 Between mold season and mosquito season.\xa0
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [laughs]\xa0
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [Voice Over] Enough with the flirting - tell me about the paintings.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [VO] Give me a moment to wallow in our collective wit, won't you?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [VO] One more moment, then.\xa0 Proceed.
HARRIET \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0There's a set of rooms that's quite liveable, and a few larger enclosed spaces that might pass for human habitation.\xa0 [drops the banter]\xa0 I'm hoping - truly - that some of the paintings will be worth enough that I can sell them and [loving] rescue the poor house.\xa0 [clipped again] You did say you have contacts and know people who might be looking to buy?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I shall do the best for you that I can.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [VO] And I would.\xa0 Whatever my other interests are, once I give my word, I always keep it.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [VO] Particularly to such a lovely young thing, eh, wot?
HARRIET \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0It's very kind of you.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, I do expect to make some little commission on it, of course.
HARRIET \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Of course.\xa0 Right through here.
MUSIC
\xa0
SCENE 3\xa0\xa0\xa0 THE CLUB ROOM
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 ALGY DRINKS
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [disgusted sigh] and it was ... tragic.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Strong word.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Strong feeling.\xa0 The room she took me into was hung with a dozen limp landscapes.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Limp?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, you know the type "Aunt so-and so painted this in 1860 on the French Riveria". Or "Grandmama was always well regarded for her eye for beauty".
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Good night.\xa0 And after such a long drive!
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 And watching that look of hope slide off her dainty face.\xa0 The light going out in her hazel eyes.
MUSIC
\xa0
SCENE 4\xa0\xa0\xa0 INSIDE THE HOUSE
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 SLIGHT CREAKS WHEN THEY WALK
HARRIET \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0That bad?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I may be able to get you an odd bob or so - perhaps from an American.\xa0 Not more.
HARRIET \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Oh.\xa0
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 It happens to the best of us.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [VO] She turned away, and the line of her shoulders spoke volumes.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [VO] Reading her shoulders?\xa0 On a first date? [chuckles]
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I-I-- Perhaps I should... go?
HARRIET \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0No.\xa0 [coming to a decision, almost teary]\xa0 I... Can I trust you?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Goodness, would anyone say no to that?
HARRIET \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0[burst of laughter]\xa0 Goodness be blowed!\xa0 I'm going to take a chance.\xa0 People have said good things about you.\xa0 Come along.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 WALKING, CREAKING, UNDER VO
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [VO] She took me deep into the bowels of the house, into some sort of secret room.\xa0 I watched closely as she tweaked various odds and sods on a rococo mantlepiece, and a panel slid open.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CREAK AS PANEL SHIFTS
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 HOLLOW MOANING WIND
HARRIET \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0There's a family ghost, but it's benign.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Spirits have never bothered me.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [VO] And in this room - by gad!
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [VO] Yes?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [VO] Arrayed around the walls were a good dozen of what looked like genuine Old masters.\xa0 Undiscovered, possibly unknown.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [VO] Real?\xa0
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Real?
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yes, but. \xa0Problematic.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 How so?
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 Apparently, according to unverifiable family lore, one of our ancestors was quite the notorious bandit.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Bandit?
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 Highwayman, I believe they called the titled ones.\xa0 He raided everything within a week's ride, they say, and stashed most of the boodle here.\xa0 Everything that could be sold easily, went long ago.\xa0 Gold, jewels, things like that.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, if they were stolen so long ago, I doubt there would be any debate as to the ownership.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [very doubtful] Oh... I'm sure. It's just...
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yes?
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [pitiable]\xa0 There's no money.\xa0 Not a sou.\xa0 I can't possibly defend even the slightest case.\xa0 A solitary whisper of doubt, and I'll lose everything.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I see.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 And without concrete provenance, there's no legitimate way I can sell even one of these.\xa0 Tragic, isn\u2019t it?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 There are plenty of people who would buy, provenance or no.\xa0 You might not get full measure, but that all depends on your patience and negotiating talent.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [exasperated] Buyers there may be, but I wouldn't know where to find them!\xa0
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I would.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [still fuming, not hearing him immediately] And even if I did, I wouldn't know the first thing to say-- [breaks off, realizing] What?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I know all the right people.\xa0 If you can trust me with any one of those, I'll get you top dollar.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 But why would you help me?\xa0 And how can I possibly trust you?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, I'll take my standard commission, of course.\xa0 And I'll play you fair on the first one, if for no other reason than in hope that you'll let me take on the rest.
HARRET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [worried musing] It's a big step.\xa0 The mere thought of letting them out of my sight terrifies me.\xa0 It's not as if I have insurance or anything.\xa0 If the worst should happen - I'd be lost.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 If I could, I would buy one outright from you - at a discount, you understand - and hazard a chance I could make a profit.\xa0 But these are far out of my range, unless I were to insult you by offering a pittance.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 A pittance would at least keep body and soul together until you were able to sell it.\xa0 Could you - manage something in a down payment?\xa0 Even just call it an assurance - we could write up a contract and everything!
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, I don\u2019t think we need go that far.\xa0 But I could advance you something, if you don't mind waiting a day or two.\xa0
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [musing] Let's see - a day or two for you to get back, then I have to arrange a lift into the city, to get to the bank, and back....
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [amused] Are you hinting that you would prefer cash?
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 Am I that transparent? \xa0[sweetly]\xa0 I used to be quite a good liar, I'm told, but desperation does wear one's nerve a bit thin.\xa0 And the local shops no longer honor this house with credit.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I could manage, say, a thousand pounds assurance.\xa0 If you'll let me take that small one.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 A thousand?\xa0 You think this is worth so much?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Ten times that, at least.\xa0
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 My hero!\xa0 I'll have it crated and ready for transport when you return, will that be all right?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Certainly.
MUSIC
\xa0
SCENE 5\xa0\xa0\xa0 THE CLUB ROOM
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 You didn\u2019t.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I did.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 And which one of the limp landscapes did you purchase for a thousand pounds?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sigh] A rather dreadful view of some lighthouse that's slightly off plumb.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [laughs heartily]\xa0 And what do you plan to do about it?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 What do you think?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Can you find your way back in again?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I believe so.\xa0 I truly would have played fair with her, but...
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 What can she expect?\xa0 Swindling a notorious art thief like
"The Badger"?
MUSIC - TIME PASSES
\xa0
SCENE 6\xa0\xa0\xa0 THE CLUB ROOM - NEXT DAY
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [entering melodramatically]\xa0 Oh, Bart!\xa0 Bart, my old chum!\xa0 All is lost!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SHUTS
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Sit, dear boy.\xa0 Sit and tell!\xa0 Is this your enchanting titian-haired siren?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Enchanting!\xa0 Enchantress is more like it!
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Why?\xa0 Don\u2019t tell me you couldn't get back into her secret painting room?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [chortles sarcastically] Oh-ho-ho.\xa0 It's far worse than that.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Ah.\xa0 Good thing I laid on some rather strong liquor when I got your cable.\xa0 Drink up.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [drinks]\xa0 There's really not much to tell.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 I hope you have more than that!\xa0 This is expensive stuff!
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I got into the house.\xa0 Even managed to find the right combination of whorls on the carving - she\u2019d pushed a number of extra thingumees, did I mention that?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 So she knew you were watching?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sighing admission] Yes. \xa0She's frightfully brilliant.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Let me get this straight - this charming chit of a girl has fooled you twice, and yet you still admire her?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I admire her because she has fooled me twice.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 And her loveliness has nothing to do with it?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well... [smiling] it certainly doesn't hurt.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [beat] So... you got into the room.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yes.\xa0 Yes.\xa0 I got in.\xa0
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [exasperated] And?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Every one of the frames that I had so closely examined not two weeks before was filled... with landscapes!
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 THE landscapes?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 For all I know she has an infinite supply of the blasted things!\xa0 [sudden realization] By Jove!
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I can't believe it never occurred to me before - what if I'm not the first?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Whatever do you mean?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 What if this little minx has pulled this same trick on other
so-called art dealers?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [chuckles]\xa0 Are you outraged at her daring, or because she didn\u2019t pick you first?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 There she was, dressed in plain homespun, crying infinite poverty, when she may have just held up half the crooked daub handlers in Piccadilly!
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 I can see why you admire her.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 The beast!
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 I can't wait to meet her.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Wretch!
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 You'll have to bring her around sometime.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, you are going to see her again, aren\u2019t you?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 You old dog.\xa0 You know everything.\xa0 [beat]\xa0 She should be here any minute.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Then I expect it\u2019s a good thing I\u2019ve dropped a word here and there about a niece who might be coming into town any day now, isn\u2019t it?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I don\u2019t know why I even try--
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 KNOCK AT DOOR
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yes?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS, BUTLER ENTERS
BUTLER\xa0\xa0\xa0 Sir, there is a young lady here to see mister Algernon Winthrop.\xa0 I told her merely that I would inquire...?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Proper, as always.\xa0 Don\u2019t give her any definite answer, there\u2019s a good chap, but bring her on up.\xa0
BUTLER\xa0\xa0\xa0 [slightly miffed]\xa0 Very good, sir.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR CLOSES
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 That.\xa0 That is definitely the sound he would make if I placed an order for anything substandard.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I say, Bart, hide me, would you?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 What and leave your young lady entirely in my clutches?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I know you\u2019ll get something out of her, and all the more if she doesn\u2019t realize I\u2019m here.\xa0
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [indulgent] That door there.\xa0 It has a lovely large keyhole, and a connection to the corridor.\xa0 I\u2019ll ferret out whatever she's hiding.\xa0 You\u2019ll get your hands on those paintings yet.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, I already have plans for that.\xa0
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh?\xa0 What--?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 KNOCK ON DOOR.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 SCRAMBLE AS ALGY HIDES
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 HIS DOOR QUIETLY CREAKS SHUT
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [calling] Come in.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 HER DOOR OPENS
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 BART POURS DRINK
BUTLER\xa0\xa0\xa0 [introductions]\xa0 Miss Harriet Carter-Nelson.\xa0 Mister Bartholomew Heatheredge.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SHUTS
[NOTE:\xa0 from this point until she "overplays her hand", BART and ALGY are pulling a con on Harriet to get her to trade back the painting]
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [suddenly stern]\xa0 Please have a seat, Miss Carter-Nelson.\xa0 I pray you won\u2019t take offense at my not rising, but my gout has been simply murder this past week.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [uncertain]\xa0 But... I was invited here by Mister Winthrop?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 I have sent him on some trifling errand, in hopes that we might finish our business without his interference.\xa0
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 Business?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Poor Algy has a lamentably sentimental nature when it comes to these things.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 Pray enlighten me of "these things" that you are speaking of?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 I assume you will not be adverse to endorsing this.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PAPER PRODUCED WITH A FLOURISH
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 What is it?\xa0 [almost a laugh] A bill of sale?\xa0 For--
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 The painting currently in Mr. Winthrop\u2019s possession.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 But it\u2019s--
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Practically worthless?\xa0 Nonetheless, Mr. Winthrop requests that you make it over to him in its entirety, in return for monies which have already changed hands - to wit, one thousand pounds.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 Why should he want to claim ownership of the silly thing?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [fraught with ominous meaning] Why indeed.\xa0 [brisk] All you need concern yourself with is your signature on that document, placing the item into legal custody of my client.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 Client?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Did he fail to mention that I am his family solicitor?
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [worried] \xa0Solicitor. \xa0Yes, I believe he overlooked that.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Come, come.\xa0 He won\u2019t be gone all day.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 No.\xa0 I would like to hear the reason for this.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [furious] Miss Carter-Nelson!\xa0 I am not here to give explanations, merely to get one of two outcomes from you - and while my preference would be for you to regain your painting, and my client his money, that is undoubtedly out of the question.\xa0 Should the need arise, I am also prepared to begin legal proceedings.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [gasp]
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 KNOCK
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [outside] I say, Bart, have you got someone in there?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Drat.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [musing] Lamentably sentimental, you say?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Mister Winthrop, perhaps you would--
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [loud, over him, cheery] Come in!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS, ALGY ENTERS
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Good gracious!\xa0 Are you keeping secrets from me, old man?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 I am merely trying to legitimize the transaction that passed between you two--
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [flirty] He\u2019s trying to get me to sign over all ownership of that painting.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh!\xa0 Good job.\xa0 Go on.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 You... you actually WANT it?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [hinting] It\u2019s not a matter of what I want--
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [cutting him off]\xa0 AHEM.\xa0 It\u2019s a matter of making the entire situation clear and above board.\xa0 The painting has more than been compensated for.\xa0
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [suspicious] What do you plan to do with it?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [rising irritation] That is none of your concern!\xa0 The only thing that needs to happen here and now is for you to transfer title or return my client\u2019s deposit.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 This is hardly fair.\xa0 I should need to consult a solicitor as well - see to it that this bill of sale is proper and aboveboard!
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 You\u2019re right, of course.\xa0 If you will give me the name of your solicitor, I can contact him directly.\xa0 [muttered]\xa0 Probably best to have him on hand, regardless, just in case Mr. Winthrop decides to take my advice as to... legal action.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 Mr. Winthrop, I just want to--
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 You can call me Algernon, if you like, Miss Carter-Nelson.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [hesitant, confused]\xa0 Algernon.\xa0 Very well, but I--
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 And perhaps I might be allowed to call you Harriet?
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [a bit wry]\xa0 Will it help convince you this does not require legal action if we are on a first name basis?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [laughs]\xa0 Perhaps.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [slightly wheedling] Will it help convince you to let me in on the big secret about the... uh... painting in question?\xa0
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, that.\xa0 It\u2019s really quite simple--
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Ahem.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [fatuous] Hush, Barty. I know how to handle women.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 AHEM!
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Shall I ring and have someone bring you a lozenge?\xa0 No?\xa0 Very well.\xa0 [confidential, pleased]\xa0 Now Harriet.\xa0 I can take a joke as well as the next fellow.\xa0 Don\u2019t you agree?
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 You\u2019ve been a pip.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 And I\u2019m sure you feel that perhaps I\u2019ve only got what I deserve, as I may very well have been on the verge of stealing your lovely old master, or at the very least short-changing such a poor but lovely young heiress.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 You would be surprised how many might consider such dastardly deeds, given our relative positions.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [annoyed] How many?\xa0 [smooth again]\xa0 Well, I can assure you that I would have played fair with you - and got you the best possible deal--\xa0\xa0
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 That is all moot.\xa0 Why don\u2019t you just null the entire transaction and give the painting back.\xa0 The colonel-- [catching himself in a mistake] I mean, the person in question - ahem - has stated a clear unwillingness to own any piece of dubious origin.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 A-HEM.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [musing] A Colonel?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I suppose you must have realized by now that I have a potential buyer for the painting, and that I will be making back - mm - more than my thousand.\xa0
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 For that drab thing?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Some pieces sell on merit, others on sentiment.\xa0 The best salesmen are those who find the right customers.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 How much?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 As far as you are concerned, it is one thousand pounds, already paid, and an agreement on my client\u2019s part not to litigate for false pretenses.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 No, really, [very warm] Algernon.\xa0 How much?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [melting] I\u2019ve been offered five thousand, but only with a clear title.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [shock] Five? For Great Aunt Ermintrude\u2019s "Impressions of a Baltic Lighthouse?"
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [muttered] A leaning Baltic lighthouse.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [annoyed]\xa0 A Baltic lighthouse a certain colonel recognizes as a place near where he was once stationed in his youth.\xa0 A place he used to meet his one true love.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [amazed]\xa0 Truly?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 So he says, and I was of no mind to disabuse him.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 Suddenly I have been hit with a terrible guilt complex about having taken such foul advantage of you.\xa0
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh really?
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 Such a sentimental streak - I never would have suspected it.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I hide it well.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [snort of laughter turned into cough]
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 I think the best way to handle this is to give you your money back and call it all even.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, really?
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yes.\xa0 And, just to show what a good sport I am, I\u2019d - I'd like to make a present of the silly thing to your friend -um- colonel, uh...?\xa0 [hinting]
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [breaks down laughing]
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 I fear you\u2019ve overplayed your hand, young lady.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 I?\xa0 Whatever do you mean?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 You are adorable.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [offended] You make it sound as if I was a puppy!
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [still trying to stop laughing] No, no, no.\xa0 You are far cleverer than any puppy.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 I should hope so.\xa0 [huff]\xa0 I think this is where I should take my leave.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [suddenly sober]\xa0 No.\xa0
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [wary]\xa0 Why?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 There\u2019s still the matter of my money.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 Get it from your colonel!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 A BIT OF A SCUFFLE AS HE STOPS HER FROM LEAVING
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Here now!\xa0 Here now!\xa0 I will not have this!\xa0 Sit down, both of you!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 THEY BREAK APART WITH A GASP
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 I said sit!\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CHAIR NOISES
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DRINKS POURED
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 I have the perfect answer to this dilemma, if you will just be quiet and listen.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 He probably does.\xa0 He\u2019s very clever.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 I think you both find yourselves too clever by half.
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 You fit in quite nicely, then, don\u2019t you?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 How odd.\xa0 I distinctly recall-- Did I not say to be quiet?\xa0
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [teasing] We\u2019ll be good, papa.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 Are you planning to mete out justice like old king Solomon?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Do you want half a painting?\xa0 [beat]\xa0 Good.\xa0 Now.\xa0 The way I see it, your problem, Miss Carter-Nelson, is you wish to preserve your home, and are going about it in this rather nefarious manner.\xa0
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well...
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 This is no time for prevarication, miss --Harriet.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 I am using what little I have to save my home.\xa0 Yes.\xa0
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Very well.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 And if I happen to take slight advantage over those who otherwise would have taken similar advantage of me--
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I already told you, Harriet darling, I would never have--
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 But I couldn\u2019t know that, could I?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hush!\xa0 [beat]\xa0 I swear you bicker like-- well, we\u2019ll leave that for the moment.\xa0 [chuckles]\xa0 And your problem, dear boy, is you would love to get your hands on the lovely old masters this young woman consorts with.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [amused] You make it sound quite filthy!
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [quiet] Not the only thing. \xa0[up] Yes.\xa0 I would love to be the one to discover such lovely pieces and be able to find them good homes.\xa0 Even legitimate ones.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, well then - the answer is simple.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh?\xa0 Really?
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 You two should marry.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [startled, outraged] What?
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Capital idea.\xa0 Was thinking something along those lines myself.
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 oh!\xa0 [indignant gasp]\xa0 Here!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PURSE CLICKS OPEN, COUNT OUT MONEY
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 Here is your blasted thousand pounds.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 MONEY TOSSED ON TABLE
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PURSE SNAPPED SHUT
HARRIET\xa0\xa0\xa0 [huff] Good day!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 SHE LEAVES, SLAMMING THE DOOR
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 [chuckle] She suits you.\xa0
ALGY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [confident] Just a matter of time.
BART\xa0\xa0\xa0 Make sure to send along some of the wedding cake, there's a good chap.\xa0
THE END
ANNOUNCER\xa0\xa0\xa0 [credits]