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Published: Nov. 4, 2021, 3 p.m.

Ask Mrs. Freda Dunny where her home town is.\xa0 Go on - we dare you.

Adapted by Julie Hoverson from a short story by J. Anthony Ferlaine\xa0 (published in Fantastic Universe, November 1956)\xa0.

Cast List

• Smiling Jim Parsons - J. Christopher Dunn
• Fred Dunny - Julie Hoverson
• Gertie - Tanja Milojevic (Lightning Bolt Theater of the Mind)
• Don Phillips - Glen Hallstrom

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Music:\xa0 Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)

Editing and Sound:\xa0\xa0Neil Gustin of Twilight Audio Theatre

Cover Design:\xa0 Brett Coulstock

Much thanx to Librivox and Project Gutenberg for curating stories, like this one, that have passed into the public domain.

"What kind of a place is it?
Why it's a TV Studio in 1956 - can't you tell?"

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One out of ten

This was a quick little adaptation from a story I read for Atomic Julie's Galactic Bedtime Stories.\xa0 It didn't take much to adapt, just a few tweaks, and I think I had to add in the actual questions, since that was just a "dot dot dot" in the story.\xa0 Otherwise, this one basically wrote itself.

Atomic Julie, though, was my idea for some filler that has become my secondary series - I read old scifi stories that show up on Project Gutenberg - at gutenberg.org - that public domain treasure house.\xa0 I started out adding music to the stories, but people expressed a preference for just the reading, so I adapted.\xa0 Hey one less thing to do, right?

Few people realize that I do all Atomic Julie's as cold reads, not even looking at anything but the word count and first page beforehand, as a challenge to myself.\xa0 It's also good practice.

The biggest advantage to Atomic Julie is finding stories to adapt - or stories that inspire new ideas in my head.\xa0 And then I figured, if I'm going to be reading them anyway, why not read them aloud and then share them with everyone else?

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ONE OUT OF TEN

Adapted from a short story by J. Anthony Ferlaine

from _Fantastic Universe_ November 1956.

Sound and Mastering by Neil Gustin

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Cast:

• Olivia - Host
• Smiling Jim Parsons (M30s), Host
• Don Phillips (M50s), commercial announcer
• Freda Dunny (F40)
• Gertie (F20s) Jim's assistant

OLIVIA \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Did you have any trouble finding it?\xa0 What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?\xa0 Why, it's a television studio, in 1956 can't you tell?\xa0

MUSIC

SOUND \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0COMMERCIAL RUNS IN THE BACKGROUND

DON PHILLIPS\xa0\xa0\xa0 Parlor Quiz!

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 What's on the menu tonight, Gertie?

GERTIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 We have five possibles.\xa0 Here.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 INDEX CARDS FLIPPED THROUGH

GERTIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Don't want to run short again.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Noooo.\xa0 Anything really juicy?

GERTIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Let's see - [listing off people] kooky name; too many kids; unusual job - she's a taxidermist; oh, here's one - interesting relative, no details; and this top one you're really gonna want to see.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 SNATCH CARD

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 "Ask her where she's from"?\xa0

GERTIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Guess.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm no good at guessing.\xa0 Alaska?

GERTIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nope.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Timbuktu?

GERTIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Trust me.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 FANFARE

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Holy crow, that's me.\xa0 [mock teasing] Am I beautiful?

GERTIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Turn.\xa0 Yup.\xa0 Twenty-four karat gold.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 That's me!

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS, NOISE LOUDER.\xa0 FOOTSTEPS UNDER.

DON PHILIPS\xa0\xa0\xa0 [on P.A.]\xa0 ... And now, on with the show!\xa0 And here, ready to test your wits, is your quizzing quiz master, Smiling Jim Parsons.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 MUCH APPLAUSE, THEN LOWERS

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 [ON] Good afternoon!\xa0 Here we go again with another half hour of fun and prizes on television's newest, most exciting, game, 'Parlor Quiz.' In a moment I'll introduce you to our first contestant. But first here is a special message to all you mothers ...

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 AD PLAYS

DON PHILIPS\xa0\xa0\xa0 [on P.A.]\xa0 Children constipated?\xa0 Ladies, does your child have trouble with irregularity?\xa0 Issues in the bathroom?\xa0 Too much toilet paper?\xa0 You know what I mean - trouble with a lack of movement?\xa0 Try Maxi-Lax, the mother's little helper for childhood irregularity.\xa0 Made with the finest England castor beans, our special patented old-world formula helps with relaxation, since often such troubles stem from tension and stress - yes, even in children - though it works just as well for big folks, too!\xa0 So add Maxi-Law to your shopping list!\xa0 You can thank us later!\xa0 Available at your local R-X Druggist!\xa0 Get that Bull Out of the Ring!\xa0 Try Maxi-Lax!

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 APPLAUSE

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Now which one is--\xa0

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 WALKING

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 [spotting her] Ah.\xa0 No mukluks.\xa0 Not even a crazy hat or wooden shoes.\xa0 [to her] Mrs. Freda Dunny?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, yes.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 You're first.

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [strangely certain] I know.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 AD ENDS

JIM \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0[disconcerted] Oh.\xa0 [up, to camera] Well, now, we're all set to go ... and our first contestant today is this charming little lady right here beside me, Mrs. Freda Dunny.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 APPLAUSE

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 How are you, Mrs. Dunny?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Fine! Just fine.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 All set to answer a lot of questions and win a lot of prizes?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, I'll win all right.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 LAUGHTER

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 You sound pretty sure of yourself.\xa0 [chuckles]\xa0 Where are you from, Mrs. Dunny?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Mars.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 LAUGHTER

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 [a moment, then] Mars! [chuckles] Mars, Montana? \xa0Mars, Peru?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [earnest]\xa0 No, Mars! Up there.\xa0 The planet Mars. \xa0The fourth planet out from the sun.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 UNCERTAIN LAUGHTER

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, well... well [rallying] all the way from Mars, eh? And how long have you been on Earth, Mrs. Dunny?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, about thirty or forty years. I've been here nearly all my life. Came here when I was a wee slip of a girl.\xa0 Not a weekend getaway, then? JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 You're practically an Earthwoman by now, then, wouldn\u2019t you say?

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 LOTS OF LAUGHS

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Do you plan on going back someday or have you made up your mind to stay here on Earth for the rest of your days?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, I'm just here for the invasion.\xa0 When that's over I'll probably go back home again.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 [blank] The... invasion?

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 AUDIENCE MURMURS

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yes, the invasion of Earth. As soon as enough of us are here we'll get started.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 You mean there are others here, too?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, yes, there are several million of us here in the United States already--and more are on the way.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 [faltering a bit, but trying to stay "on"] There are only about a hundred and seventy million people in the United States, Mrs. Dunny.\xa0 If there are seven million Martians among us, one out of every hundred would have to be a Martian.

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, one out of every ten.\xa0 That's what the boss said just the other day. \xa0'We're getting pretty close to the number we need to take over Earth.'\xa0 [laughs]

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 MORE NERVOUS MURMURS, TITTERS

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 What do you need?\xa0 One to one? One Martian for every Earthman?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, no.\xa0 One Martian is worth ten Earthmen. The only reason we're waiting is we don't want any trouble.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 You don't look any different from us Earth people, Mrs. Dunny. How does one tell the difference between a Martian and an Earthman when one sees one?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, we don't look any different.\xa0 Some of the kids don't even know they're Martians. Most mothers don't tell their children until they're grown-up. And there are other children who are never told because they just don't develop their full powers.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Uhh...powers?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, telepathy, thought control--that sort of thing.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 [back to humor - this is too silly] You mean that Martians can read people's thoughts?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Sure! It's no trouble at all. It's very easy really, once you get the hang of it.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 [joking] Can you read my mind?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Sure!\xa0 That's why I said that I'd know the answers. I'll be able to read them in your mind when you look at that sheet of paper.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Now, that's hardly sporting, is it, Mrs. Dunny?\xa0 Everybody else has to do it the hard way and here you are reading it from my mind?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [complacent] All's fair in love and war.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Tell me, Mrs. Dunny. Why are you telling me about all this? Isn't it supposed to be a secret?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Why not?\xa0 Nobody believes me anyhow.\xa0 Besides, I have my reasons.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 [grave] Oh, I believe you, Mrs. Dunny.\xa0 But we need to take a quick break and consult the rules - mind-reading might be fair in love and war, but this is television!

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 AD COMES ON

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'll be right back, Mrs. Dunny.

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I know.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 [really disconcerted] Right.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 APPLAUSE

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DASHES OFF

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Gertie?

GERTIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I've been on the phone with the big brass.\xa0 They don't take it very seriously, but they did say I should pull out packet 13 for her.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 [baffled] Packet 13?

GERTIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 You know the one sealed and certified, in case of cheats like that fellow a few years back?\xa0 No one knows a single question in here until we break the seal.\xa0

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 But what if she--?

GERTIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I asked!\xa0 They said if she wins - well, gosh she wins.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Even if she manages to ace the whole ten?

GERTIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yup.\xa0 They figure the publicity is worth it. And you're on!

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 JIM DASHES AGAIN

DON PHILLIPS\xa0\xa0\xa0 It looks like we have a decision!

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, Mrs. Dunny, we scoured the rulebook, and couldn't find a darn thing to stop you.\xa0 Guess there's just no precedent for mind-reading.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 LAUGHTER

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Of course.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 And now, let's see how you do on the questions. \xa0Are you ready?

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 RIP OF ENVELOPE, CARDS PULLED OUT

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, yes!

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 AUDIENCE MURMURS

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 I should point out, even I haven't seen these questions and answers before this very moment, so there's no possibility of collusion.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 APPLAUSE

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Name the one and only mammal that has the ability to fly.

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 A bat.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Right! Did you read that from my mind?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, yes, you're coming over very clear!

FADING INTO MONTAGE SCENE - TICK TOCK MUSIC, FADE OUT BETWEEN EACH PAIR

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 A princess is any daughter of a sovereign. What is a princess royal?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 The eldest daughter of a sovereign.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 APPLAUSE

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Is a Kodiak a kind of simple box camera; a type of double-bowed boat; or a type of Alaskan bear?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 A bear.

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 APPLAUSE

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 And finally, who directed the 1925 silent film "The Crowd?"

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 King Vidor.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 [shaken] Very good.\xa0 That was a tough one.\xa0 Don Phillips, tell the lady what she's won!

DON PHILLIPS\xa0\xa0\xa0 [in the background]\xa0 You get a lovely modern cyber-electric garbage disposal and a lovely gas range, provided by Savannah Ranges of Burbank.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Gertie?\xa0 What just happened?

GERTIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I dunno!\xa0 The impossible?

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 FREDA APPROACHES

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Mr. Parsons?\xa0 Perhaps you could help me carry my prizes to the car.\xa0 After all this is finished.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 [almost robotic] Of course.

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You're such a nice fellow.

GERTIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 You're what?\xa0 [incredulous] Helping?\xa0 Jim?

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 [snapping back, searching for an excuse] I ... I just have to find out who put her up to this.

GERTIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Sure.

MUSIC SURGES, THEN RECEDES

DON PHILLIPS\xa0\xa0\xa0 join us tomorrow for another round of Parlor Quiz!

GERTIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Jim!\xa0 Morty Howard of Savannah Ranges has been calling for the last twenty minutes, to confirm the win, and wants an assurance that he won't have to shell out another one for at least three months.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Later.\xa0

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 HE TROTS OFF

GERTIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [calling after him] Jim?

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 OUTSIDE DOOR OPENS.\xa0 DISTANT TRAFFIC

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 [calling] Mrs. Dunny?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [satisfied chuckle]\xa0

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 I want to talk to you!

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 When do I get the gas stove?

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 uh... It should be delivered in a few days. Did you leave us your address?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, yes. \xa0My Philadelphia address, that is. I don't even remember my address at home any more.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Come, now, Mrs. Dunny. You don't have to keep up that Mars business now that we're off the air.

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's the truth.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 But--

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [cutting him off] And I didn't come here just by accident.\xa0

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 No?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I came here to see you.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Me?

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PURSE OPENED, RUMMAGING, PAPER NOISE

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Ah, there it is.\xa0 [up] Yes, I came to see you. And you didn't follow me out here because you wanted to. I commanded you to come.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 [spluttering but worried] Commanded me to come!\xa0 What for?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 To prove something to you. \xa0Do you see this piece of paper?

SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PAPER SHAKEN

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's blank.

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, that side is.\xa0 This side has my address.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 So...?

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I am reading the address. \xa0Concentrate on what I'm reading.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 [unable to stop] Two fifty-one South Eighth Street!

FREDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You see, it's very easy - once you get the hang of it.

JIM\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh.\xa0 [realizing] Oh!\xa0 [beat, then kind of pleased]\xa0 Let me see you home, Mrs. Dunny.\xa0 I guess we have a lot to talk about.

CLOSER

OLIVIA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Now that you know how to find us, don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...

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