19 Nocturne Boulevard - CRUMPING THE DEVIL - Reissue
[warning - mature situations, foul language and violence]
An ornery old woman takes on all comers in defense of her family and her freedom - even the Devil and Death!\xa0
Cast List
Maggie - Julie Hoverson
Nursey - Robyn Keyes\xa0
Bertha - Rhys TM
Barry - Mr. Synyster
Kev - Michael Coleman (Tales of the Extraordinary)
Jemma - Gwendolyn-Jensen Woodard (Gypsy Audio)
Morte - Russell Gold
Devil -Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero)
Ted - Russell Gold
Spike - Paul Mannering (Brokensea Audio)
Other Bikers -\xa0 Brandon O'Brien; Bill Hollweg
Music:\xa0 Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)
Editing and Sound: \xa0 Julie Hoverson
Cover Photo:\xa0 Elizabeth Flores
\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0 (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com)
"What kind of a place is it?\xa0
Why it's a recovery ward, can't you tell?"
*****************************************
CRUMPING THE DEVIL
Cast:
- [Opening credits - Olivia]
- Maggie
- Kev/"the Maniac", grandson
- Bertha, the manipulative daughter
- Barry, Bertha's bastard husband
- Nursey
- Morte
- Satan
- Jemma, the pregnant wimp daughter
- Ted, Jemma's abusive bastard husband
- Spike, violent biker
OLIVIA \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Did you have any trouble finding it?\xa0 What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?\xa0 Why, it's a recovery ward, can't you tell?\xa0
MUSIC
AMBIANCE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hospital, beeps etc.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [talking on phone]\xa0 I don't give a flying rat's flaming anus how good a job he does! Shall I roll past your garage and post photos of what he did to his wife?\xa0 Perhaps I should leave a nice big bloodstain on your doorstep with the words wifebeater scrawled on the pavemment - don't think I won't!
PATIENT\xa0\xa0\xa0 [groan]
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [up] Stuff it! [back on phone] Oh, yes!\xa0 [evil laugh] You come down here and say that to my face - I'll call the press.\xa0 [delighted laugh] I can just see the rags with you beating up a helpless gran in a wheelchair.\xa0 Tough guy!\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS, FEET COME IN
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Now, now - phone time's over.\xa0 Time to say goodbye to all your friends.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Bugger off, stay-puft.
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [tsks]\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PHONE GRABBED AND HUNG UP FORCEFULLY
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Dear, dear - no need to drive up your blood pressure.\xa0 You need to stay calm, ducks, and get your rest.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CURTAIN PULLED AROUND BED
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm ordering prunes!\xa0 Lots of prunes!\xa0 Just so you have to clean up the mess when they come out the other end!
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 My, my - but I'm not here all the time.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [snarled] I have your schedule memorized.
MUSIC
BERTHA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Mother, you need to be rational about this.\xa0 This is your fourth hospitalization this year - you've reached a point where you need someone to look after you.\xa0
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Visiting nurse comes by twice a week.\xa0
BERTHA \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0[prompting] Barry!
BARRY\xa0\xa0\xa0 What if you... fall?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I have this very special invention.\xa0 It allows me to magically contact help when I need it.\xa0
BARRY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, what?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's called a cellphone, you scrofulous prick.\xa0 I'll wear it on a lanyard if it'll make you piss off.\xa0 Now get your sorry arses out of my sickroom.
PATIENT\xa0\xa0\xa0 Go away.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 See?\xa0 Even that bastard hates you.
BERTHA\xa0\xa0\xa0 No mother, we're not leaving until we get this settled.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nurse!
BARRY\xa0\xa0\xa0 There is a button--
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Fuck off - this annoys her more.\xa0 Nurse!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS, FEET COME IN SLOWLY
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 H'lo Gran.\xa0 [reluctant] Mum.\xa0 [distasteful] Barry.\xa0\xa0\xa0
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Who the bloody buggery hell are you supposed to be?
BERTHA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, heavens, her memory is going!
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Don't get your hopes up, arse-face.\xa0 Are you trying to tell me the fruit of your sweaty loins--
BERTHA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [gasp]
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 --has taken to running about dressed as sir poncy de leon?
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm Hamlet.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [laughing wickedly] Go on!\xa0 You?\xa0 You can't memorize the balance of your overdraft!\xa0 Come on then, soliloquize us!
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 [chuckles] It's a sales promotion for a mattress shop.\xa0 To sleep or not to sleep, all that bollocks.
BERTHA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [muttered] I just don't know where he gets this language from.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, god - if you're truly that fucking dense, I wish I was your father so at least I'd have some slight glimmer of hope that you weren't mine!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS, NURSEY FEET ENTER
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Come, come - let's keep it all nice and civil, there are other people in this hospital, you know.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, there must be people somewhere, but there's a couple of wankers in here.\xa0 Bugger off, knot-knickers.\xa0
BERTHA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [gasp, then affronted noises as she leaves]
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 FEET STORM OUT
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Dear, dear.\xa0 Poor old Maggie's being deserted.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Your turn, then isn't it, blancmange?\xa0 Shuffle off and fetch something, would you?\xa0 ...Like a stick?
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Tsk Tsk.\xa0 You really need to--
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 You, hey you in the tights.\xa0 You stay.\xa0 [beat]\xa0 Gotta catflap in those bonbon knickers?
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 No, gran.
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [psst, then confidential] Young man, you haven\u2019t brought her any alcohol have you?
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 No - no!\xa0 What sort of grandson would that make me?\xa0 No bottle on me anywhere, [leering] want to pat me down?
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [oblivious] No, no!\xa0 Five minutes, then visiting hours are over.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 HER FEET LEAVE, DOOR SHUTS
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [hushed] You did bring me something, didn't you?\xa0 You are aware I think you're the least worthless of all my pathetic offspring?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PLASTIC BAG OUT OF POCKET
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 Love you too, gran.\xa0 I remember how much you complained last time of not being able to find a place to light one up, so I baked you some brownies.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 You?\xa0 Baked?\xa0
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm a sensitive new age type of bloke.\xa0 I can make a mix.\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 OPENING PLASTIC BAG
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sniffs] Nice.\xa0 You didn't skimp on the "spices."
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 TAP ON THE DOOR
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Time's up!
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 Stuff em somewhere.\xa0 Size of that cow, she probably snaps up everyone's sweeties.\xa0\xa0
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I think she just eats patients--
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [louder] --mostly the males.
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 [wincey noise] Ooh...
MUSIC
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [into phone, trying to be quiet] --the Maniac left me a mobile. Have you tracked down Python yet, then?\xa0 [beat, then getting loud] \xa0Sod it!\xa0 I thought you bastards had better legal these days!
SOUND \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0QUIETLY DOOR OPENS, SLOW FOOTSTEPS ENTER
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 There must be someone there whose tattooes run more than knickers deep!\xa0 [beat]\xa0 Fine, I'll call the--
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CURTAIN SWEPT ASIDE SUDDENLY
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [gasp] Bugger me!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 MUFFLED VOICE AS SHE HIDES THE PHONE, BEEPING, TRYING TO TURN IT OFF
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Madame?\xa0 I believe you are expecting me.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Riiight.\xa0 Middle of the night, hospital room.\xa0 Must be the stripper.\xa0 Where's your music?
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [startled] Um, no, I--
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, you can't be a doctor - they've all gone home.\xa0 We're in the hands of the sadists and the diapers.
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 The what?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nurses and interns.\xa0 Look, It's late and I'm a bit too knackered to abuse you properly, so tell me who you bleeding think you are so you can sod off!
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [trying to get his spooky back on] I'm... death.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Pull the other one - it spits.
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 No, really.\xa0 I'm... death.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Always thought you'd be Welsh.\xa0 So what are you doing swotting around here?\xa0 I'm not dead.\xa0 The infernal pinging thing says so.
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 But you are old [spooky] ...and dying.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [getting mad] So they keep fucking telling me, but I've never been one for following orders.\xa0 If you're really the angel of death, why are you wearing such a for-fucks-sake ugly suit?\xa0 And where's your bleeding scythe?\xa0 Can't be death without a jolly great scythe, can you, now?
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, please - this is the 21st century.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 First piece of sense to come out of your festering gob, you git.\xa0 Now bugger off - I'm knackered, but I'm not ready for the tip yet.
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 You will see me again tomorrow.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Tell you what - you come back during visiting hours and I'll get my bastard son-in-law to drop in.\xa0 All I have to do is wave money anywhere within ten kilometers of my Jemma and that bastard appears like bleeding magic.
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 But I--
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Him you can take, with all my heartfelts.\xa0 If you're not going to make yourself useful, though, you can piss off and stay there.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 FISHES OUT THE PHONE AND DIALS
MORTE \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0[affronted, huffy] You're not supposed to have a mobile in the hospital.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Fuck off. [into phone]\xa0 Spike?
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 You have a friend named Spike?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [into phone] No, that's not a cop - just some prat trying to sell me life insurance.\xa0 Are you Spike?
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 You're really going to just ignore me?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hold on. [hand over phone] Sorry, didn't mean to leave you hanging like that.\xa0 You're right, I should finish with you before making my calls.\xa0 So if you would kindly FUCK OFF?\xa0 Good.\xa0 [back to phone]\xa0 God, these bleeding salesmen.\xa0 They're like some damn pet pekingese - no balls but still won't stop humping once they get a grip on your leg.
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, I- I-I- never!
MAGGIE \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Spike?\xa0 Great - what would it take to get some help with a problem?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 MORTE'S FEET STORM OUT, DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nice!\xa0 Hold that thought, and I'll ring you back tomorrow - that twat's just gone to grass on me to the warden.
MUSIC
AMB \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0HOSPITAL ROOM - NOT SO URGENT.\xa0 NO PINGING THING.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 TAP ON DOOR, THEN DOOR OPENS WITHOUT WAITING
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 WHEELCHAIR BEING PUSHED IN
JEMMA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [weak, hopeful] Hello?\xa0 [down] Mum.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [trying to be calm and quiet] Jemma.\xa0
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Here we all are then.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SWINGS SHUT
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Ready for a nice litle family chat.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Just ignore her.\xa0 [deep breath] They say you're going home soon.
JEMMA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm all right. [she's not]
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'll see to it, someone drops around and keeps an eye on you.
JEMMA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'll be careful.\xa0 [not very convincing] Won't walk into any more... doors.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [getting a bit annoyed] Won't walk into any more fists, more like.
JEMMA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [upset, "not in front of the nurse"] Mum!\xa0 \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 She's heard worse.\xa0 Haven't you, snowball?
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [affirming, acerbic] From you alone.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [snort of laughter, then serious]\xa0 So, when can I kill him?
JEMMA\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 That cocksucker husband of yours.
JEMMA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Mother!
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 You can't say you don't want him dead.\xa0 Bertha keeps pissing on and on about my hospital record - you're leagues ahead of me.\xa0 Between the times he's knocked you up and the times he's knocked you down, it's amazing they don't just name a suite for you and give you your own key.
JEMMA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [crying]\xa0 He doesn't mean to--
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [losing it]\xa0 Doesn't mean to!\xa0 What, he was cleaning his swotting great fist and it went off!?\xa0 Or the other part - dearie, you get preggers every time that arsehole even wanks in your direction.\xa0 You'd be much better off without him.
JEMMA\xa0\xa0\xa0 He loves me.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, god - we are not having this discussion again.\xa0
JEMMA\xa0\xa0\xa0 And we have eight children to look after - nine, soon.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [softer again]\xa0 It's all right then?
JEMMA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [barely able to talk] Yes.\xa0
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Jems, that son of a syphilitic whore punched you - punched a pregnant woman, let alone a pregnant woman he claims to care for - in the bloody stomach.\xa0
JEMMA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [breaks into tears]
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, look at the time.\xa0 Come along Maggie, musn't be late on your pills!
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [yelling as they leave] Get it through your sodding thick skull - He DID MEAN IT!\xa0
MUSIC
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 NIGHT, PINGING, ETC.
SOUND \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0MAGGIE MUNCHING ON SOMETHING
SOUND \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0DOOR OPENS, SLOW FOOSTEPS (two sets)
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PLASTIC BAG RATTLES AS IT'S HIDDEN
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sucking stuff out of her teeth]\xa0 Who's there?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CURTAIN PULLED ASIDE
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [disgusted noise] Oh, it's just you.\xa0 Piss off.
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I told you I would return.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 And take my soul blah blah blah.\xa0 I have you sussed, you wanker.
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Sussed?\xa0 I already told you - I'm death.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Right.\xa0 And I have a daughter who would like nothing more than to have her dear old mum babbling on about meeting death in the flesh - all so she can have me declared non compos and shoved away in some shithole of a home while she sends all my odds and sods to auction "on my behalf".\xa0 Piss off, and tell her she can piss off too.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [explosive laugh]
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 See?\xa0 I told you.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Told me what?\xa0 You're not making sense, the curtain is laughing like a drain, and I'm not that stoned.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CURTAIN OPENS FURTHER WITH A DRAMATIC SWEEP
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 She surely is the most frightful woman I've seen in years.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 I like it.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 And who are you supposed to be?\xa0 Revival of the Rocky Horror show?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [laughs harder]
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 He's the devil.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well I knew he wasn't a doctor - not dressed like that.\xa0 [sigh]
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [laughing subsides]
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Are you done?\xa0 I wouldn\u2019t want to waste a good insult on you when you can't hear it properly.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [chuckles, but stops himself]\xa0 Go on.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Dressed like that, you look like Sir Elton John vomited all over you.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [chuckles]
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 And I suspect that'd be rare, since he's probably got a strong gag reflex.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [a moment, then a gasp as he gets it, then uproarious laughter]
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Told you it was a good one. [joins in]
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I don't get it.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, god.\xa0 You need to loosen the fuck up.\xa0 [evil chuckle]\xa0 Here.\xa0 Have a brownie.
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 A brownie?\xa0 Ooh.\xa0 Chocolate is my weakness.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 RATTLE OF PLASTIC
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Death and chocolate - imagine that.\xa0 How about you, Gary Glitter?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, if you're offering.
[They munch for a minute]
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Interesting [licks his lips, speculatively] ...aftertaste.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Old family recipe.\xa0 The maniac bakes them for me.\xa0 Don't tell the nurse - she's already thirteen stone.
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [snorts]\xa0 Oh goodness!
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [giggles uncontrollably]
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CELL PHONE RINGS
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Scuse me for a minute, will you?
[they murmur assent]
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PHONE ACTIVATED
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah?\xa0 Is this Spike?\xa0 Then who the bloody hell--\xa0 [pleased] Really?
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [confiding, but loopy] Shouldn't have\xa0 mobile in hospital. \xa0
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Might call for help?
[they both laugh]
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 You up for it, then?\xa0 More the merrier, I always say.\xa0 [beat]\xa0 Oh, dead may be overkill, but I wouldn't shed any tears.\xa0 Mostly I'd prefer him unable to fuck, or walk for at least a year - no, never again on the first - can you manage that?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [awed] What?\xa0 Did I hear you--?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Shut it.\xa0 [on phone]\xa0 Candy striper.\xa0 You know, one of those new homosexual ones.\xa0 [back on topic] So, you can handle it?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'll have you know--
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [covers phone] Everyone knows you swing both ways - the devil can fuck with anyone.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well [trying not to laugh], if you put it that way [bursts into hilarity again]
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Great - when?\xa0 [upset] Weekend?\xa0 Not sooner?\xa0 They'll be sending her home tomorrow!
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I thought you were talking about a man?\xa0 Who you don't want to be able to--
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Fine.\xa0 [annoyed] I'll try and get out of here too, then shall I?\xa0 No I bloody well can't talk them into letting her stay--
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 --to [uncomfortable] "do it"--
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Just say "fuck."
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [affronted] No.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Come on, I dare you.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Shut up or piss off.\xa0 I'm almost finished.\xa0 [into phone]\xa0 Saturday night, then?\xa0 Call me Thursday, same time, and I'll say where.\xa0 Brilliant.\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PHONE OFF
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 So is it?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Is it what, arse-face?
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Is it a man or a woman?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 He means who are you talking on the phone about?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I've got some friends of a--
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 --questionable moral character?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, they do call themselves the Bastards of Carnage, so that might be a clue - Anyway, I've arranged will ... have a chat with ... my daughter's oozing sore of a so-called husband.
MORTE\xa0\xa0\xa0 And you don't want him to be able to--
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 And they won't be as kind as a vetrinarian.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well!\xa0 [lip smacking noises]\xa0 Have you any more of those brownies?
MUSIC
AMB\xa0\xa0\xa0 MAGGIE'S ROOM
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 I hear they're letting you go?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 They have to get sick of me eventually.
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 Are you doing all right?\xa0 Really?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Healthy as a horse.\xa0 [sighs] One of those swayback cartoon nags with glue factory stamped on them.\xa0 You know what your evil bitch of a mother is trying to do to me?
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 Would it be so bad?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Et tu, wanker?
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 No!\xa0 I'm really just curious.\xa0
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, quite apart from the horrors of loss of control over your life, the fact that they will likely frown on my extensive collection of filthy artwork, and having to obey people whose nappies I might have changed, it's the piss.
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 Piss?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 At your age, piss is still romantic.\xa0 Getting yourself well and truly pissed, pissing in the snow, nasty piss-scented alleys where you buy happy little packages - piss hasn't lost its shine.
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 By the time you get old, piss is the thing you fear the most.\xa0 Your own, someone else's - fuck death, fuck the devil, if there was a sodding god of piss we'd all be sacrificing virgin sheep to him just to make him stay the fuck away.\xa0 That's what those places are, Kev.\xa0 [solemn] They are where piss goes to die.\xa0 The smell, the damp, the feel in the air.\xa0 As long as I can still hold my water and get myself in and out of the bogatory, it's my bleeding right to look after myself.\xa0
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 [serious] All right.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [fierce again] Next time you feel yourself getting curious, darling beast, just swot on down to the crystal lights retirement complex - you don't even have to go inside, just stand downwind and have a good long whiff.\xa0
MUSIC
AMB\xa0\xa0\xa0 NIGHTTIME AGAIN
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [anxious sigh, then fretting] What is the bloody holdup?\xa0 I said--
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PHONE BUZZES, TURNED ON
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Finally!\xa0 Took your goddamn time, didn't you? \xa0[beat]\xa0 So Jemma phoned you - God, how I spewed forth such a spineless cow, I've no idea.\xa0 [beat, then disgusted]\xa0 Oh, right, the bloody money - that's the only thing you give a shit about, isn't it?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Don't bother, you mealy mouthed two faced prick!\xa0 I know just how much you care for your wife - I've seen the sodding medical charts.\xa0 [beat]\xa0 Blah Blah Blah.\xa0 Blah Blah Blah.\xa0 Course you have a problem - you're still fucking breathing.\xa0 I am planning on fixing that, you know.\xa0 [beat]\xa0 [chuckles nastily]\xa0 Wouldn\u2019t you like to know?\xa0 I'll tell you when, though - give you something to stew about, you arsehole - Saturday night.\xa0 You'd best watch your step, cause you may not realize it, but I have friends in low, low places, and they just love an excuse to beat some bastard to holy fuck and back!\xa0 [beat]\xa0 What do you mean, how are they going to find you?\xa0 They're probably already watching you.\xa0 Run if you want, but unless you find some way to get me first, they will get you.\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PHONE SHUT OFF
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Was that really a good idea?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 QUIET FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 What, impressed?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yes and no.\xa0 I like your intensity, but you shouldn't have warned him.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Betcha I know what I'm doing.
SATAN \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0[seriously] Let me think about it.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 So, what's the pitch tonight?\xa0 And where's the undertaker?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 He's a very busy entity.\xa0 He's already wasted rather a lot of time trying to impress you.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Why impress me - isn't he fucking all-powerful death?\xa0 Doesn't he just whisk people off and bobs your uncle, you're hip deep in the bleeding river styx?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Styx?\xa0 Well, I'm impressed--
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [dismissively] Beer mat trivia.\xa0 So it's just you and me tonight, is it?\xa0 Pity - I haven't had a really good threesome since 1968.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [chortle]
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Right, laughing boy.\xa0 Either you dropped in for more of the maniac's brownies, or you want something from me, and I don't fancy myself so fucking entertaining that I'd drag you away from the torture telly.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Torture?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Bleeding heart chat shows and those so-called game shows where people swallow foul things that haven't even taken them to dinner and a picture first.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sigh] Bloody hell - it's getting so hard to frighten people these days.\xa0 You say you'll stick a red-hot poker up the bum and half say "been there, done that".
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, I've been and done around in my time.\xa0 Are you planning to try and scare the crap out of me?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Really, I just follow Morty around, since once he lets on he's coming for someone, it's usually a piece of piss to get them to agree to sell their soul...
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [bark of laughter] A bit like when a bloody great hurricane hits and all the bastard insurance salesmen clean up selling storm coverage?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 A bit.\xa0 So.\xa0 You selling?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Blunt, aren't you?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 I feel we've gone a bit beyond a sales pitch here.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 So?\xa0 I sell my soul and you - what?\xa0 Give me my greatest wish?\xa0 I assume immortality is only on the high shelf - the one you can't ever knock down enough sodding bottles to win.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 What do you want?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [thinks, then]\xa0 No.\xa0 Two reasons.\xa0 First, I still believe you're some starving artist Bertha paid to come round and chat me up.\xa0 Second, I might have a mouth like a public urinal, but I still read my classics.\xa0 Monkey's Paw?\xa0 Nothing good ever comes from a bad deal.\xa0
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's not my fault if people don't take time to read the small print.\xa0\xa0
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 You ponder enough, there's always a way to bugger the customer.\xa0 If nothing else - just send the damn thing round unassembled, with instructions in fucking Parsi.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [laughing again] I do like you.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Can\u2019t say you're the worst bastard I've had to deal with in my whole sodding life.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Tell you what - just to prove that I am what I claim to be, how about a freebie?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I draw the line at giving up my favors for anything less than a fiver.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [chuckling] No, I mean I'll do something for you.\xa0 No strings.\xa0 Cross my heart.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 You're not planning to bugger me on this?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 What would it get me, until I get a signature on the dotted line?\xa0 It can't be anything huge - I'll not cure cancer or feed the world's hungry--
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Sod the hungry.\xa0 Too many bloody people clogging up the sewer we call the world anyway.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 --or make you healthy.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [grim] Yeah, right.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Something short term and simple.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I got it.\xa0 And if you do it, I promise to take under consideration that you might actually be the bleeding king of the underworld.\xa0 Right?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Ask and it shall be done.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Right.\xa0 Now you have to wait until I say "done" before you go swotting off and do this - I want every bloody condition met.\xa0
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [very serious] Very well.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 With no harm to either of them, in the immediate or long term, I want something to happen that will keep Jemma in hospital until Sunday.\xa0 Can you do me that?\xa0 Suspicious skin condition, something - and this is the part that if you fuck me I will find a way to rip your bollocks off - it has to be something that won't hurt the baby.\xa0 Right, uh... [thinking, then] Fuck.\xa0 Done.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [dead serious]\xa0 I see.\xa0 Agreed.\xa0 [beat, then a bit hesitant]\xa0 You wouldn't happen to have any of those brownies, would you?
MUSIC
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 WHEELING DOWN A HOSPITAL HALL
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Doctor says you're just about well enough to leave.\xa0
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [snarl] Lovely.\xa0
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Probably tomorrow - just in time for the weekend.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [snarl] Can't think of anything that would brighten my day more.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS
BERTHA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh!\xa0 Here she is.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, bollocks, who decided to shit all over my parade?
BERTHA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Mother!
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Technically.\xa0 Can you at least keep your festering gob shut until this pelican gets me settled?\xa0 It's humiliating enough to be jumbled around like someone's sodding laundry, but to have an audience is just the bloody capper.
BERTHA \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Mother, this is too important to wait.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Fine.\xa0 Talk.
BERTHA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I brought you the brochures--
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [somewhat muffled] Talk over.\xa0 Fuck off.
BERTHA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Mother!\xa0 You must admit you need care.\xa0 You can't--
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I can!\xa0 You'll never get an agreement from me to being stuck in your fucking P-O-W camp, and if you even think about trying to\xa0 prove me incompetent, I will change my will and put Jemma in charge.
BERTHA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [indignant] Jemma!\xa0 She doesn\u2019t --- She has too many... children... to look after!
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [smug] And a bastard husband who will go through the bulk of my money in a week or two, slick as snot.\xa0
BERTHA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Besides, Jemma's going to be a bit longer here herself.\xa0 Some weird rash has cropped up that they want to keep for observation.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [at a loss]\xa0 Really?\xa0 [swallows, then her beligerance returns] \xa0Devil only knows how that happened.\xa0 Right.\xa0 Now, I'm tired and you need to PISS OFF.
BERTHA\xa0\xa0\xa0 This is not over!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 FEET STORM OUT, DOOR SLAMS
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 And what's wrong with a little care?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 You.
MUSIC
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 NIGHTTIME
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 All right, you pouffy bastard - come out.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [tsks]\xa0 Names?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Endearments, darling beast.\xa0 So what did you do to my idiot daughter?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 You asked for a skin disease - I gave you one.\xa0 Shouldn\u2019t even be much scarring.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Scars she's used to.\xa0 I'll send her a bloody great tub of aloe vera.\xa0 Or will it to her.\xa0 I meant to ask, when can I expect another visit from lord stick up his bum?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Death?\xa0 About a week.\xa0 Maybe less.\xa0
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 And then--?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [final, agreeing] And then.\xa0 You ready to sign on?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'll read the bloody fine print first.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [chuckling, evilly] You may not have time - there's a helluva lot of fine print.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [chukles evilly back]\xa0 Hand it over.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 HUGE SHEAF OF PAPER HITS THE TABLE WITH A THUD
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Bugger me!
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 There may be an easier way.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Than buggering me?\xa0 What's that, then?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 A bet.\xa0
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 A bet?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 You suggested it yourself last night.\xa0 I asked if you know what you're doing, and you--
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [considering, then quietly] I spoke very loosely.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 The devil is in the details.\xa0 [laughs]
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 How do I prove I won, and what do I get?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 What you get - hmm - I'll get Morty off your back, for, say, ten years? \xa0\xa0
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Is that all?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Who do you think I am, bloody Oprah?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 That has to come with two things--
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 I said--
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I have to be in at least as good health as I am now the entire time - no fucking coma for ten years - and abso-fucking-lutely no bloody nursing home.\xa0 I'll live on the kerb before I'll--
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Done.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 And if I lose?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 I get your soul - immediately.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 So the bet is I know what I'm doing - how do I prove I won?\xa0
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 What are you trying to accomplish?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, no - I'm not giving you any chance to play silly beggars with my plans.\xa0 Suffice to say that after Saturday night I will still be the one smiling?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hmm - give me a few more of those brownies and you have a deal.
MUSIC
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS, WHEELCHAIR ENTERS
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Jems?
JEMMA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [weak, but better than before] Yes?\xa0
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 They say you're to stay here a few more days.
JEMMA\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's this bloody rash.\xa0 [itching noise]
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Now now, you know you're not supposed to--
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [weary] Bugger off Moby Dick.\xa0 Jems, I'm going home now, they say, and - uh - this weekend should be bloody interesting.
JEMMA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [dull] Of course, mum.\xa0 You have someone to look in on you?\xa0 Bertha?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Only if I want to sign my away my soul.\xa0 [laughs uncomfortably]\xa0 Nah, I've talked Kev into roughing it with me for the weekend.
JEMMA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [a bit disbelieving] Oh.\xa0 Yeah.\xa0 Good.
MUSIC
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 [muffled, nervous, on the phone]\xa0 Of course this is her bloody mobile!\xa0 She's asleep.\xa0 [beat]\xa0 Fuck no, I won't!\xa0 You can haul your own bleeding carcass in here and do your own dirty work.\xa0 [beat, sarcastic]\xa0 Ri-i-ight.\xa0 No, you don't understand - I'm rather fond of the old bag-- [beat]\xa0 Well, yeah, there is a toady element to it, but we get on, gran and me.\xa0 I'd just as soon have her around a while longer.\xa0 [beat] \xa0Ain't impossible, innit?\xa0 She is meeting her solicitor next-- [beat] Oh, you didn't know that yet, did you?\xa0 [beat, then cowed] \xa0Y\u2011yeah, I know-- \xa0No!\xa0 No, don't go to the cops.\xa0 I'll--\xa0 [beaten] I'll leave latch up, then, shall I?
MUSIC [very ominous]
SOUND \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0DOOR OPENS VERY CAREFULLY.\xa0 SOUND OF GENTLE WHEEZY BREATHING.\xa0 SLOW CREAKING FOOTFALLS.\xa0
TED\xa0\xa0\xa0 [muttering]\xa0 Stupid bloody old cow.\xa0 Have my guts for garters will she?\xa0 Hah!\xa0
SOUND \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0CREEPING GETS CLOSER TO THE BREATHING.
TED\xa0\xa0\xa0 Once we've got your fucking money, you old bitch, Jemma'n me'll be just bloody fine.\xa0\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 LIGHT SWITCH TURNED ON
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [casual, off in a corner] Oh, right. \xa0Tickety-bloody-boo.
TED\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whirling]\xa0 You insane bitch!\xa0 [unsure] Wait!\xa0 If you're over there in the shadows, then who's in the sodding bed?
SOUND \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0BEDCLOTHES FLUNG BACK
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 [flamey] 'elo, luv!
TED\xa0\xa0\xa0 What kind of bloody game are you playing?
MAGGIE \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Hmm.\xa0 Red Rover.\xa0 Red Rover, red rover, send the donkey's scrotum over.
TED \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Two to one? \xa0The mummy and the weasel.\xa0 I can take the both of you!\xa0 [yells and runs at her]
SOUND \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0RUNNING FEET, BROUGHT TO A SUDDEN HALT
TED\xa0\xa0\xa0 [urk]
SOUND \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0BODY DROP
SPIKE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [chuckles nastily] No, me old son, I think you've got that ass-backwards.\xa0 Hasn't he, lads?
SOUND \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0DOORS OPEN, SEVERAL SETS OF HEAVY FEET ENTER
BIKERS \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0[agreeing noises, laughs.]
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 SLAP OF FIST INTO HAND, CHAIN RATTLES
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 You mind, gran?\xa0 Not my thing.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [kindly] Nah, go ahead, you ponce.\xa0 I'll be right here.\xa0 Better than a jolly great football riot.
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 [off] Yeah, but guess who gets to hose out your kip?
SOUND \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0FEET SCUTTLE OUT OF ROOM
TED\xa0\xa0\xa0 [panicking] Someone'll hear!
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Not bloody likely.\xa0 I made dead cert of that.\xa0 Amazing what free dinner coupons will do to get people to vacate for the night.\xa0 Course, police'll chalk them up to the same burglars who broke in here - luckily Kev and I stopped in for dinner with Bertha.
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 [yelling from off] We had a sodding flat on the way.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [threatening] Doesn't that just take the biscuit?\xa0 Now Ted.\xa0 If you take this like a good little mountain of elephant dung, quietly and repentant-like, they might leave you alive.\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PUNCHING COMMENCES, associated noises from the bikers
TED\xa0\xa0\xa0 [grunts]\xa0 Hey!\xa0 Why--?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [incensed] \xa0Why?\xa0 Hold up.\xa0 [starting low, and mounting] Three broken wrists - that's why.\xa0 A cracked fucking pelvis - that's why.\xa0 A broken collarbone - that's why!\xa0 Thirty-bloody-seven sodding black eyes, and that's only the ones I counted myself - that's why!\xa0 Punching your fucking pregnant wife in her stomach [ragged breath, then almost a whisper]\xa0 That.\xa0 Is why.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PUNCHING COMMENCES AGAIN, associated noises from the bikers
MUSIC
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 HOSPITAL HALLWAY, ANNOUNCEMENTS, WHEELCHAIR APPROACHES
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [distasteful, but trying to hide it] Oh, goodness, are you back?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 No fear, yeti.\xa0 We're just visiting, aren't we?\xa0
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 Right.\xa0 We're family.
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 That's lovely.\xa0 Well, just a minute then.\xa0 He's not really up to much.\xa0 Poor fellow.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS, PINGING MACHINES INSIDE
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I know.\xa0 [pouring on the melodrama]\xa0 Apparently he was coming by to bring some flowers - since I'd just got out of hospital - and surprised some burglars or something.\xa0 [sounding almost teary]\xa0 But for the grace of the almighty, that could have been us - couldn't it, Kev?
KEV\xa0\xa0\xa0 Worth every bite of mum's pork au poivre.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sharp] Shh.\xa0 [teary] Tragic.
NURSEY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [softening] See, I knew you had it in you.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SHUTS
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 If only she had it in her more often, she wouldn't be such a tight-ass knicker-twisting sodding git.
TED\xa0\xa0\xa0 [muffled by tubes and such]\xa0 uh?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Good night.\xa0 What a mess.
TED\xa0\xa0\xa0 [alarmed] uh!
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Don't call reinforcemants just yet - we're merely here to deliver a message.
TED\xa0\xa0\xa0 [shuddering] um?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 It boils down to this, my evil bastard sonofabitch in law. \xa0Quite apart from being ready to kill you should anything untoward happen to either of us here, my friends plan to visit anything you do to Jemma upon you.\xa0 And I do mean anything.\xa0 If you get anywhere near her, even with a freindly weapon, you better be ready to take every single bleeding stroke you give.\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 WHEELCHAIR ROLLS AWAY
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'll send round some vaseline.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS
MUSIC
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 TELLY ON LOW, MAGGIE TAPPING FURIOUSLY AWAY ON COMPUTER
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Bastards!\xa0 Fucking evil empire bastards!\xa0 They just wait until I'm in hospital, and change the rates on me again!
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 [clears throat]
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 One minute - I have to update my sodding bid structure.\xa0 Again.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Business.\xa0 And... there.\xa0 Good for now.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, um.\xa0 [a bit cowed]\xa0 The bet.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 You have to admit, I got my bloody way.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yes.\xa0 Very well too.\xa0
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 So I win, do I?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh... yes.\xa0 You're very impressive.\xa0 I'd almost offer you a job myself.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Come back in ten years, [fondly] you ponce.\xa0 So what, do we shake on it or somesuch?
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Frankly, I'm rather fond of my fingers.
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [laughs]\xa0 You have my oath I won't bite...\xa0 This time.
SATAN\xa0\xa0\xa0 Right, then.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 HESITATE, THEN A HANDSHAKE
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Go on then.\xa0 I'm far too bloody busy to be swotting around all day with the likes of you.\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 TAPS A FEW KEYS
MAGGIE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [to computer]\xa0 What does that wanker bloody mean he forgot to pay me?\xa0 [aside] \xa0There's some brownies there.\xa0 Drop round any time.\xa0 [back to computer, then fading out] Dammit!\xa0 Dammit it all to bloody buggery arse-face fucking donkey scrotum hell!!!
CLOSER
OLIVIA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back.\xa0 Maybe next week?\xa0 Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...
\xa0