19 Nocturne Boulevard - Caveat Emptor - Reissue of the week
The Demon Beelzebud returns to pester sisters Rena and Matilda.
[sequel to Force Majeure]\xa0
Cast List
Beelzebud - Anthony D.P. Mann (Horror Etc. Podcast)
Rena - Julie Hoverson
Matilda - Kate Waterous
Jesse - Big Anklevitch (Dunesteef Audio Magazine)
Infernique - Julia Carter
Willial - Mark Olson
Benedict - Reynaud LeBoeuf
Mrs. Closky - Florida Possum
Fat guy - Dave Fontenot
Manager - Scott Spaulding
Cameo appearance from Super Haunted Stories!
Music by\xa0\xa0Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Editing and Sound:\xa0\xa0 Julie Hoverson
Cover Design:\xa0 Julie Hoverson
Cover art includes:\xa0 clear crystal / red crystal
"What kind of a place is it?
Why it's a modern family home, can't you tell?"
**********************************************
Caveat Emptor
Cast:
Beelzebud
Rena
Matilda
Jesse
Infernique
Willial
Benedict
Mrs. Closky
Fat guy
Manager
OLIVIA \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Did you have any trouble finding it?\xa0 What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?\xa0 Why, it's a family home, can't you tell?\xa0
MUSIC
SOUND \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF, IS SLAPPED DOWN
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [waking up]\xa0 maaaargh.\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PATTING BED
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Huh?\xa0 [thick]\xa0 Babe? [clears throat] Babe?\xa0 [considering noise] Hmmm.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 BLANKET FLAPS
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 What the hell time...?\xa0 What?\xa0 [yelling petulantly] Cassie?\xa0 Who reset the alarm?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 STUMBLES INTO OTHER ROOM
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Cassie?\xa0 Where's the laptop?\xa0 Shit!\xa0 We've been robbed!\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 RUSHING AROUND
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOORBELL
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Where's the phone?\xa0 Gotta call police.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOORBELL
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Who the hell?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR OPENS ON CHAIN
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 This is not a good time.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's the only time you got, pal.\xa0
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I just got robbed.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 No, you just got dumped.\xa0 Read the note on the fridge.
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SLAMS, OUTSIDE WITH BUD
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [WHISTLES SOMETHING]
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR JERKS OPEN AGAIN
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [freaking out] Are you a friend of Cassie's?\xa0 Do you know where she went?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Not my area.\xa0 I just dropped by to give you a bit of a head's up.
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Uh-what?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 I know you're feeling pretty low.\xa0 Wife walked out, took the kid, and you don't know why--
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 We have a good life!
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, it's got nothing to do with you moping around the house all day--
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I got laid off.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Leaving all the housework for the little woman, so that when she gets home from her full day--
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I have to spend my time looking for work--
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 A lot of work in World of Warcraft, is there?\xa0 Or are you considering a career in porn?
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 None of your business! Besides...they're the only things that make me less depressed--
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all.\xa0 So today is your lucky day - kinda.
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Kinda?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [dragged out, savoring] Ye-a-aah.\xa0
MUSIC
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's $200.\xa0 That's like three tanks of gas.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [disgusted sigh]\xa0 I hate this work.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 One hour plus drive time.\xa0 Just think of it as gathering intel.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'll think of it as whine tasting.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PICKS UP KEYS, DOOR OPENS
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Have fun!
MUSIC
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOORBELL, DOOR OPENS ON CHAIN
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You called?
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, yeah, this guy - he gave me your card.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 And?
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 And?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I didn't come all this way to stand on your porch, unpaid.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [mic] Confirmed.
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, ah.\xa0 Come in.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 UNCHAINS, OPENS DOOR
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, um, it's kind of a mess.\xa0 You want a beer or something?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 57 minutes.
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Of your hour.\xa0 We confirmed your paypal transaction.
JESSE\xa0 \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0Oh, right.\xa0 My wife \u2013 she left me.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 When?
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, just this morning.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [disbelieving] Hmph.
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 She's not much of a housekeeper.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I can smell that.
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 That doesn't mean I don't want her back!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 POUNDING ON THE DOOR
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [angry sigh] Just a sec.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Take your time.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [mic] Cut the poor guy some slack.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 OPENS DOOR
MRS. CLOSKY\xa0\xa0\xa0 How dare you!
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 How dare I, what?
MRS. CLOSKY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Bring a hooker into your house while your wife's away?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [mic] [laughing hysterically]
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [low] Not funny.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [mic] I told you the black leather was wrong for the neighborhood!
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Tough is tough.
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 She's not--
MRS. CLOSKY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I know just what kind of woman has the bleached blonde hair and the motorcycle.
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 But Cassie--
MRS. CLOSKY\xa0\xa0\xa0 That poor woman gave you two beautiful children, so any weight she's gained, well that's just as much your fault, isn\u2019t it?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [mic] [fresh peals of laughter]
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm gonna turn you off.
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 But Mrs. Closky!
MRS. CLOSKY\xa0\xa0\xa0 You're just like my sonofabitch husband, and I just wish I had had someone like me to speak up on my behalf back when he--
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SHUTS, cutting her off
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sigh] Shit.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Sum up quick.\xa0 I'm already bored.
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 My wife left me this morning.\xa0 I want to find out where she went.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Did you call her parents?
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Her mother won't answer.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Did you call her friends?
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 They\u2019re all on her side.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Did you check her emails?
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I didn\u2019t think of that.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 What have you done?
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 I ... called you.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You understand that first $200 is only for this hour, the one we're currently wasting.\xa0
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Not for the entire job?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Not unless I find her in the next 47 minutes.
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [hopeful] Do you think you can?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 What's her email address?
MUSIC
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 OUTSIDE, WALKING, LEATHER CREAKING
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [mic] She already emailed back.\xa0 Says he's been a shit since he got laid off.\xa0 Says she told him she was going to do this, weeks ago, and he didn't even pay attention.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hmph.\xa0 Makes me want to run out and find one of my own.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [mic] [laughs]
WILLY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Uh, hello?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Not in a million years.
WILLY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I was just looking for a - ah!\xa0 There's the address.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 HE HUSTLES OFF
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Must be a friend of his--
MRS. CLOSKY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [off, calling]\xa0 You!
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh hell.
MRS. CLOSKY\xa0\xa0\xa0 You, woman!
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [mic] Uh-oh.\xa0
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sigh] What?
MRS. CLOSKY\xa0\xa0\xa0 How much do you charge?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [mic] Tell her you don't do lemon parties.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I don't-- [starts over] I am a bounty hunter.
MRS. CLOSKY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh!\xa0 Well, that's a disappointment.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 That I'm not a prostitute?
MRS. CLOSKY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I have a nephew.\xa0 Unmarried.\xa0 He could use a little cheering up.\xa0 And his birthday's coming!
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [mic] [teasing] We are a bit short on cash.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I - I have to go.\xa0 Now.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 MOTORCYCLE REVS
MUSIC
AMB\xa0\xa0\xa0 MATILDA'S DEN
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SHUTS (OFF)
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 RENA ENTERS
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [calling] So, how was the nephew?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [muffled] Funny.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 KNOCK ON DOOR
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 There wasn't any - oh.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Who pops up out of nowhere on a regular basis?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 OPENS DOOR
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hiya doll!\xa0 [louder] Dolls!
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [to M] You okay with having him in?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, I guess.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Make a guy feel wanted, why dontcha?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 We forgot to vacuum!
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 We're antisocial.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 And here I thought it was just me.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You forgot to vacuum too?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Get over here, where I can see you!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 WALKING
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Matilda.\xa0 Bud.\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 SHE FLOPS INTO CHAIR
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You do look like Steve Buscemi.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm gonna take that as a compliment.\xa0 You don't got no more places to sit?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 One butt, one chair.\xa0 Part of the recluse mystique.\xa0
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 There's a stool around somewhere...
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 eh.\xa0 I can stand.\xa0 Don't plan to be here that long.\xa0 See, I gotta problem.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Another one?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 We get $200 for the first hour.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Here.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 SLAPS DOWN MONEY
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 You know, I never woulda mistaken you for a prostitute.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Good to know.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Dominatrix, maybe.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [losing it] It's motorcycle gear!\xa0 Not some kind of leather teddy and thigh high boots--
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [taunting] With stiletto heels?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Not helping!\xa0 And those things'll break your ankles. \xa0[breath, recomposed] \xa0Clock starts now.\xa0 What's your problem?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 You girls are a hoot.\xa0 You should take it on the road.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 No thanks.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Tick...tock.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Fine.\xa0 [sigh]\xa0 You'd think the life of a demon like me would be a piece of cake.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 From what you've said, you seem to have it all down to a system.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, well any well oiled machine can go Pfft - if you stick in the wrong cog.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 What have you been sticking in your cogs?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [snicker] It's Infernique.\xa0
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Sounds like a perfume.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 The demon chick you fixed me up with.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nuh-uh.\xa0 No fixing.\xa0 Just tricked her into giving in and going out with you.\xa0 Once.\xa0 Whatever happened after - not my fault.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well, maybe just a little.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 She's convinced she gotta class me up.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Class?\xa0 You?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 You don't need to make it sounds like such a joke, babe.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I wondered about the suit.\xa0 Seemed awfully--
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Tasteful?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Restrained.\xa0 I mean, the descriptions - you have such ... flair!\xa0 [undertone] help me out here.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 No.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, yeah, so I like the classics.\xa0 This sharkskin still got its own kind of flash, but she's killing me with the pastels.\xa0 [confidential] \xa0You know they come from the pit of despair?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Pastels?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah.\xa0 Not a pretty story.\xa0 [up a bit] Anyway, I'm not so good at saying "no" to her, and she's been trying to get me to trade up.\xa0 Better department.\xa0 Better class of victim.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 What will the comedians do without you?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, that's what I say, but there's always someone willing to take most any place, but my place is one of those ain't no one gonna fight over, see?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nope.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 This guy, Jesse - I gave him your card this morning - ring a bell?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 The douche who didn't realize his wife was about to walk?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, well - that's what Infernique wants me for my new clientele.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 The recently abandoned?\xa0 The thoughtless husbands?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 The douches?\xa0 Plenty of them.\xa0 You can have 'em.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, but she's got me sneaking around behind the back of Willy, the guy whose job it is now, undermining his numbers.\xa0 Trying to make him look bad.\xa0 Getting the douches to not sign.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 All's fair in love and hell?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 I dunno - I ain't liking this.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Talking people out of selling their souls?\xa0 How abominable.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nah, it's the backstabbing.\xa0 Willy's - well not "good people" maybe, but he ain't a bad guy.\xa0 Kind of a plodder.\xa0 No inspiration.\xa0 But he's got a sweet berth and he's ...competent.\xa0
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You'll really miss the comedians, won't you?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sighing admission] Yeah.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Easy.\xa0 Tell her you don't want to change.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Why don\u2019t you just point me at a good doctor, then, for when she rips me a new asshole.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Guess you're screwed.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Waitaminute.\xa0 Look.\xa0 the way I see it, you have two choices here.\xa0 You can go ahead and be perfect, toe the line, do what she wants and be with her until she finds someone more ambitious--
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Won't be hard.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Shush.\xa0 Or you find a way to slack off and subtly let her know that you aren't going to turn into a silk purse any time soon, and let her dump you.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Talk to that guy from this morning.\xa0 I'm sure he can give you some pointers.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 The big question is, is she worth it?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 You know... You said a mouthful right there.\xa0 I think some deep pondering is in order.\xa0 Thanx!
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You still have a few minutes left.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Ehh - Keep it!\xa0 All us classy types tip!
MUSIC
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [snoring]
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PHONE RINGS, ANSWERED
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [groggy] Hello?\xa0 [a bit better] Hello?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 STRANGE BUZZ ON THE LINE
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Shit.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 HANGS UP
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 GRABBING CLOTHES, GUN
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 EASES OPEN DOOR
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [deliberately calms her breathing to listen]
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY FROM MATILDA'S ROOM
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whispered] Shit.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 QUICK DASH SHUTS MAT's DOOR, MUSIC'S MUFFLED
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [calming her breathing again]
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CREAK, ACROSS ROOM
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [catch in her breathing, then careful]
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 ANOTHER CREAK, ACROSS THE ROOM
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 RENA CAREFULLY TAKES THE REMOTE
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CLICK, TV COMES ON, ACROSS ROOM
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 [gasp]
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 QUICK SCUFFLE OF MOVEMENT
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [now behind him] You're gonna want to drop that.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CLICK OF HER GUN CoCKED
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 You don't know what you're doing.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CLICK - TV OFF
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm the one with the gun.\xa0 And the remote.\xa0 Whatever you got in your hand, drop it.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 SOMETHING CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 MAT'S DOOR FLUNG OPEN
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hold it right there!
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [up] Got 'im.\xa0 [to him] Hands behind your back.
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 [annoyed] Really?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Really.\xa0
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Sorry I took so long.\xa0 Couldn't find the night vision goggles.
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sigh] Fine.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 HANDCUFFS ON
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 IS this really necessary?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You're the one who broke in.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I\u2019ll get the lights.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Goggles off.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I know!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 GOGGLES OFF, LIGHT SWITCH
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Ooh!\xa0 He\u2019s smoking hot!\xa0 Can we keep him?
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 Let me explain.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Not much chance of that.\xa0 Mat, 9-1-1, okay?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [playing it up]\xa0 New where did I leave the phone?
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 [blurted out] Where are you keeping the demon?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [surprised snort]
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [giggles]\xa0 Wow, dramatic much?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 There\u2019s a doghouse out back\u2026
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [fresh peal of laughter]
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 This is no joke, lady.\xa0 Harboring a demonic fugitive is very serious.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [growling now] \u201cA\u201d \u2013 harboring?\xa0 Not a chance.\xa0 \u201cB\u201d - fugitive?\xa0
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 Beelzebud, lower echelon romalpa class signatory demon.\xa0 He stands accused of contractual misconduct.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Let me guess \u2013 that\u2019s bad.
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 It\u2019s a termination-class penalty.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, shit!
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Tell us more.
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 No.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, come on.\xa0 You hunt demons.\xa0 Do you make a good living at that?
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 [bursts out laughing]
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Guess that's a no.
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's a calling, not a job.\xa0
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 So... you're a demon too.
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm not telling you anything.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You broke into our house.\xa0 Convince us that we shouldn't call the real-life police.
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 I wasn't going to do anything to you - just put this crystal somewhere--
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 This thing?
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah.\xa0 It's a--[shuts up] \xa0
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Might as well finish the sentence.\xa0 [beat]\xa0 How about strip guesses?
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 If she guesses and she's wrong, you lose a piece of clothing.
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 Are you insane?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 We don't get a lot of hot male visitors.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 And you woke us up in the middle of the damn night.\xa0 Is it a tracking device?
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 No.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Camo coat.
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 Can\u2019t take it off over the handcuffs.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, bummer.\xa0 Pants, then.
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 [panicking a little] It's a simple listening device - like a mystic "bug"\xa0 Ok?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Guess he wins.\xa0 Sorry Mat.
MUSIC
AMB\xa0\xa0\xa0 COMEDY CLUB [HEARD FROM BACKSTAGE]
FAT GUY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [punchline to a joke] Boom-boom, boom-boom, boom-boom.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 SCATTERED LAUGHTER, NOT MUCH
FAT GUY\xa0\xa0\xa0 and... Good night!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 RUNS IN
MANAGER\xa0\xa0\xa0 That could have been better.
FAT GUY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [grumpy] Open mike, read it and weep.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Psst.
FAT GUY\xa0\xa0\xa0 What do you want?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 I like what you did up there.
FAT GUY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [knowing] I know who you are.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 You... do?
FAT GUY\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, I was warned there's a guy going around with bogus contracts.\xa0 Screw off.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 I don't know nothing from bogus. I'm as legit as they come--
FAT GUY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [squealing]\xa0 You want me to call the cops?\xa0 Jeez!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 STOMPS OFF
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [muttering, furious] Bogus contracts, eh?\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 HE GOES OUT INTO ALLEY.\xa0 DOOR SHUTS
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [furious - cussing in latin] Mater tua caligas gerit!
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You kiss someone's mother with that mouth?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [affable again] You know latin, doll?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [shrug] I know cussing.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [chuckles]
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Matilda wanted me to warn you.\xa0 Someone's on your tail.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 MOTORCYCLE REVS, OFF
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 And... He probably followed me here.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [not real disturbed] Yikes.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I thought I left you in handcuffs.
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 Your sister took pity on me.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [mic] He's not such a bad guy.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 All right occifier.\xa0 I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Don't joke.
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 You might step out of the way, ma'am.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [to Bud] You need some help?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Why?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I don't know.\xa0 I just thought I'd ask.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm touched.\xa0 Oddly.\xa0 [beat] Nope.\xa0 It ain't gonna be pleasant, but ain't nothing to be done about that.\xa0 See you soon, doll.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS, WEIRD WHOOSHING NOISE
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [mic] Well... I'll miss him.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah.\xa0 [sigh, beat]\xa0 Donuts?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 SHE WALKS BACK TO MOTORCYCLE
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PHONE RINGS
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hmm?\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 BEEP
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [wondering] Who the hell?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 TURNS ON
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [phone] Are you doing anything at all?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [mic] Who\u2019s that?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Found her. Job done.
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [phone] She\u2019s not back!
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah.\xa0 Sucks.\xa0 She\u2019s still pissed off.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [mic] Oh, him.\xa0 What does he expect, that you\u2019ll ride in with his wife over your shoulder, kicking and screaming?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I\u2019m not draggin her home by her hair.
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [phone] Then what are you doing?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I told her to email you a list of demands.\xa0 Have you checked your email?
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [phone] I can\u2019t!\xa0 The bitch cut off my internet!
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sotto voce] Boo-hoo. [up] Hold on.\xa0 I\u2019m transferring him to you, Matilda.\xa0 I am not playing phone relay for\u2014
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 HUGE SPOOOKY WHOOOSHY SOUND
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 BODY FLUNG INTO WALL
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Ungh!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PHONE SKITTERS AWAY
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 THINGS GO WEIRD AND HOLLOW
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [mic] [fading into odd tunnel]\xa0 Rena?\xa0 Rena!!!!\xa0\xa0 Rena!!!!
MUSIC
AMB\xa0\xa0\xa0 MATILDA\u2019S LAIR
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [panicking] Rena?\xa0 [deep shaky breath]\xa0 Don\u2019t freak out.\xa0 Don\u2019t freak out.\xa0 Maybe it\u2019s the cell tower.\xa0 Maybe it\u2019s--\xa0 Maybe its demons.\xa0 Oh shit.
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Shit is right!
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [almost a scream] Who the fuck are you?
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Where is my BUD?\xa0 [spooky] What have you done with him?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [trying hard to stay calm, but kind of losing]\xa0 Bud?\xa0 I don\u2019t know!\xa0 We-we didn\u2019t do anything!\xa0 [almost a scream] Where\u2019s my sister?
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 That\u2019s what I want to know!\xa0 When I tried to triangulate on her, I got NOTHING.\xa0
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Triangulate?
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Anyone who deals with us has a sort of trace on them ...evermore.\xa0 Until they pass beyond.\xa0 Is she dead?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [whine]\xa0\xa0 Nooo?
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 If she isn\u2019t then she\u2019s passed out of this realm.\xa0 She never said she could DO that!
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I\u2019m just going to faint now.\xa0 I hope you don\u2019t mind...
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [on speaker, weak]\xa0 Mat?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [gasp]\xa0
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 What?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [thinking hard] I-I can\u2019t find a good place to fall down.\xa0
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 She\u2019s on your headset?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 She was, just for a moment.
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [satisfied]\xa0 hah.\xa0 There.\xa0 Yes.\xa0 She must be in the outer fringe.\xa0 Guess we won\u2019t be seeing her again.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sobbing gasp]
MUSIC
AMB\xa0\xa0\xa0 ECHOEY DUNGEON
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Babe?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [waking] What?\xa0 Oh, crap.\xa0 Am I dead?\xa0 Cuz having to listen to you forever is kind of like my vision of hell.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, she\u2019s okay.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [weak] Matilda?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Back home where she belongs.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sigh of relief]\xa0 Not hell, then.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CHAINS
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 What\u2019s with the\u2014
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 CHAINS
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Shit.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, that.\xa0 I guess I-uh kinda underestimated Willy-boy.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Is that that demon hunter?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [snort of laughter]\xa0 Oh, him.\xa0 Nah.\xa0 That was all part of Willy\u2019s plan to get me off his case.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 oh.\xa0 The demon you were undermining.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Bingo!\xa0 I love a bright dame.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 And now he\u2019s got us both chained up in a dungeon?\xa0 Great.
WILLY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [demonic sounding]\xa0 Just what I was thinking!\xa0 Muhahahahahahaha [evil laugh]
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [undertone, to herself] Be vewwy vewwy quiet.\xa0 [up] Wow.\xa0 This is a swell party.\xa0
WILLY\xa0\xa0\xa0 You're only here because I'm curious what would make a mortal... collaborate with such a filthy maggot as Beelzebud.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You make it sound a lot more fun than it is.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Hey, hey!\xa0 Willy, old boy--
WILLY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [demon] You will call me Willial [will-LIE-ul]!\xa0 [back normal]\xa0 Don't think I don't know what you've been up to, behind my back, Beelzebud!
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 ahhh.\xa0 A few short circuits.\xa0 It's all in fun.\xa0 Plus you got me back, but good - setting a popper on me.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [half a snort] Popper?
BUD \xa0\xa0\xa0\xa0The hunter - [offhand] you know, you led him to me.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah.\xa0 Sorry bout that.
WILLY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm surprised to see you still up and around, Bud.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Believe it or not, I'm clean.\xa0
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 It's not like he just up and decided he wanted your crappy job, Willy.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [quiet] I really prefer my own crappy job.
WILLY\xa0\xa0\xa0 You should have kept your hands off my beeswax, then!
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oy vay.\xa0 [quiet, to Bud]\xa0 Can this guy actually do anything?\xa0 To me, I mean?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [evasive] Not legitimately.\xa0
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [up] Then maybe you'll back the fuck out of my face, elmer fudd, and let me go.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 On the other hand he's already more or less kidmapped you, so who knows what else he's willing to do.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Shit.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, like anything a stupid mortal chick says is going to piss Willial off more than I already have.\xa0 Hah!
WILLY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [suspicious] You're up to something.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Nah, just mouthing off.\xa0 [whisper]\xa0 Keep him talking.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 So, Willy - Ooh! \xa0[snide] You kidnapped a human, what's the next step?\xa0 Custodial interference?\xa0 Stealing candy from a baby?
WILLY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I-I'm not sure.\xa0 I mean, I haven't decided yet what all to do with you.\xa0 For now, I'll let you stew.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SLAMS
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sigh]\xa0 Nice try.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [not quite lying] Try?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, whatever.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [beat]\xa0 If we had cards, I play a mean Canasta.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Takes two decks.
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 TAPPING FINGERS, WAITING
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DISTANT COMMOTION
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Finally.\xa0 Beez.\xa0 Thought they'd never get here.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [surprised] You were expecting someone?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Waitaminute, you were?\xa0 Oh, boy - this could be a serious case of overkill....
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SLAMS OPEN
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You ain't just whistling dixie.
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 [breathing hard from exertion]\xa0 Ok, this is not what I was expecting.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You got something for chains?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Uh, we might wanna wait--
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [suspicious] Why?
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [distant demony scream]\xa0 Beelzebud!
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah.\xa0 That.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Demon hunter - you, guy.
BENDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 Benedict.\xa0
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Right, like Shakespeare.\xa0 I'm bad with names.\xa0
BENDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 Let me get those chains--
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Quick!\xa0 What's the penalty for illegal imprisonment of a human?
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [a little closer]\xa0 Where is he?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 It ain't much. He didn't hurt you or nothing.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Well?
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 Something like a hundred years of hemorrhoids.\xa0 I don't actually sentence--
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Wanna stick him with something worse?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [speculative] I like where this is going.
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 I ...don't.
MUSIC
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [roaring up]\xa0 What did you do with him?
WILLY\xa0\xa0\xa0 You are in my domain, succubus!
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Insults?\xa0 How dare you!
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [off, pathetic]\xa0 Ohhhhhh....
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Out of my way!
WILLY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [surprised] What the hell?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [off, weak]\xa0 Is that you, baby snakes?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SLAMS OPEN
WILLY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [bewildred] But I didn't--
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [incensed] Chained?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Oh, babe.\xa0 I'm so glad to see you.\xa0 Willy there whupped my fanny, but good.
WILLY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I-I--
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I think the popper is concussed.
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [amazed] Popper?
WILLY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [an octave higher] Popper?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 You're gonna get us out of these, aren't you sweetie?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Wake up, dude!
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 GENTLE SLAPPING TO TRY AND ROUSE HIM
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [speculative] You... chained a popper?
WILLY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I-I-\xa0 He-- they--
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Just nod your head, handsome.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [quiet] I'm hunting wabbits.
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 [smothered snort of laughter]
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Come on babe, leave Willy alone.\xa0 Get me out of here.
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 That's Willial, you little weasel.\xa0 [laughs contemptuously]\xa0 I think it's about time to trade up.
WILLY\xa0\xa0\xa0 I- uh- I- uh--
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [very hot]\xa0 There's nothing sexier than a tongue-tied demon.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [trying to sound upset but not getting it] After all Bud has done for you!
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 [grovelling]\xa0 You can't just leave us here!\xa0
INFERNIQUE\xa0\xa0\xa0 Willy will let you go when he's good and ready, won't you?
WILLY\xa0\xa0\xa0 [frantic] Uh, Beelzebud?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Fine!\xa0 Keep your job!\xa0 Take my woman!\xa0 You have everything!\xa0 [big mock sob]
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 DOOR SLAMS SHUT
MUSIC
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 MATILDA'S DEN
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 WHOOSH OF ARRIVAL
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 I honestly don't know which of you was worse, back there.
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Emoting is not in my skill set.
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 Tell me about it.\xa0
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 You're back!
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Yeah, it's all okay.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I thought--
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [strangely gentle] You know I always promised if I die I'd come right back and haunt you.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [sob of relief]
BENEDICT\xa0\xa0\xa0 Can we--?
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Fuck off, will you guys?
BUD\xa0\xa0\xa0 I got this.\xa0
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 WHOOSH
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I was [hiccupy sob] I was so--
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 I'm here.\xa0 You're not alone.\xa0 Maybe I should get that Benedict guy back - he owes us a pair of pants.
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [laughs and cries]
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 PHONE RINGS
RENA\xa0\xa0\xa0 Voice mail?
MATILDA\xa0\xa0\xa0 [much calmer] Voice mail.\xa0 Yeah.
JESSE\xa0\xa0\xa0 [on voice mail]\xa0 What did you do to my wife?\xa0 All of a sudden she's laying down the law and saying she won't put up with me unless I toe the line!\xa0 Man!\xa0 She's even talking about us writing up some kind of contract!\xa0 Are you even listening?
SOUND\xa0\xa0\xa0 BEEP
END
\xa0