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Yes, I am a salsaphile\\u2014someone who is stimulated by tomato-based sauces or pur\\xe9es. Yes, it is very real. The DSM-IV-TR (psychiatry’s literal Bible) almost refers to it several times.

\\n\\n

For years, I have loved Ragu Six Cheese. A fine pur\\xe9e and creamy balance of cheeses, lovingly microwaved for 45 seconds, has been my companion for so many otherwise lonely nights. In fact, two years ago I broke off my relationships with all other sauces and decided to see Ragu Six exclusively. After a final, lingering kiss with Newman’s Own Cabernet Marinara, I and Ragu Six were free to begin the next stage of our life together.

\\n\\n

Then, disaster.

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Some bean counter in your accounting department must have decided to cut costs. Suddenly, one Saturday evening, Ragu Six changed. The viscosity was off. The skin-feel was different. I looked down into my specially designed bowl and didn’t recognize the sauce staring back up at me.

\\n\\n

You might think that I am an isolated case, some lone “weirdo” with a grudge. Not true! The forum at NoShameTomato.org is on fire with dozens of complaints from folks who also preferred the amorous texture of the previous formula. Those are complaints from many different people who are definitely not me.

\\n\\n

Mr. Polman, I understand that you are probably not sexually aroused by a liquified Burpee Super Italian. But, please, I beg that you go back to the old recipe. Give me back the sauce I once loved so much.

\\n\\n

Best regards,
\\nTaylor Martin
\\nGrants Pass, OR

\\n\\n

Special introduction by Matthew “Frenchish” Latkiewicz.

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Also: Hidden Mickey and the eighth dwarf; a new kind of trust exercise and restaurant; Blueberry Morning; untenable stuff; Mexico is full of 200W bulbs and Concord Grape Pop Tarts; Maximum White Creme Pomade; writing to the CEO; ungrippable body wash; Action Line with the Wet Man; Depression-era food; welcome to The Jungle; brokavore gourmet; the CEO of Can; a handful of gravel; generics.

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Listed in: Comedy

Episode 44: The Rules

Published: Aug. 2, 2012, 6 a.m.
Duration: 39 minutes 37 seconds \\n\\n

Ahhhhhhhhh, yes, my friend. I can tell from your ironic eyeglasses and gawky demeanor that you are the kind of man who will do much research! Very nice. Well, for you? My manager approves: I take off $500!

\\n\\n

[silence]

\\n\\n

Hmmm, in your hand I see a check for the full retail price and a printed out email whose subject line I can clearly read as “FWD: car-buying tips from Dad.” Please dispose of worries\\u2014from me only, you get a fair deal! $24,000! Best international price! You check on computer sites. Very nice.

\\n\\n

[silence]

\\n\\n

You appear to be sweating, my friend. Would you like to sit down? What’s that? Ah, yes. Be well. Our wi-fi password is “N1ssanSux.” One word; no spaces. Very nice.

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[silence]

\\n\\n

$23,000 is as low as I can go. I pull my babies from school for you.

\\n\\n

[silence]

\\n\\n

No? No?!? Still too much? Very nice. $22,000 and a copy of the hit board game Scruples! My death like a mere dog is your good fortune, my friend!

\\n\\n

[silence]

\\n\\n

Argh! Again, you push too hard! Too hard! Very Nice!!!

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Okay. Yes yes yes yes yes! $21,000, AND the Scruples, AND a taste of the food you are literally taking from my child’s mouth. Very nice.

\\n\\n

[silence]

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I do not know how you do it! Please, accept my offer or they will fire me! $15,000 out the door. Scruples, free. Also a very small bust of Bette Midler. And Amish lathe. Many veins. My gift I make for you. Very nice.

\\n\\n

[silence]

\\n\\n

Yes. Okay. You think about it. Talk to wife. Sure. Good. I bring more coffee and fresh Pop-O-Matic. Yes.

\\n\\n

[silence]

\\n\\n

Very nice, my friend.

\\n\\n

Very. Very. Nice.

\\n\\n

[silence]

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Listed in: Comedy

Episode 43: Gellies Local 416

Published: July 2, 2012, 5 a.m.
Duration: 33 minutes 27 seconds

Listed in: Comedy

Episode 42: Druthers, CA

Published: June 2, 2012, 6 a.m.
Duration: 40 minutes 55 seconds

Listed in: Comedy

Episode 41: The Stenciled Approach

Published: May 3, 2012, 2 a.m.
Duration: 40 minutes 1 second

\\n\\n

Cobbler Steam Alarm
501 Peg ’n Spike Kit
Nipponese House Tote
Arm Garters
Retail-Rated Folding Board(s)
Bamboo Clipboard
Sanitary and Diabetes Socks
Banana Smudge
Staple Gun (emptied and locked, per TSA regulations)
Burn Creams, Salves, and Unguents
Functional Parfait
Foster Transformer

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Best of luck, have a terrific Summer, and try not to let your legs explode.

\\n\\n

Imagine it\\u2026.

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Listed in: Comedy

Episode 40: Lobster Farm

Published: April 2, 2012, 6 a.m.
Duration: 30 minutes 27 seconds

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Here they are\\u2014invite your friends over for a YLNT Sushi Night sometime soon.

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The Merlin Roll: copy of Cheri magazine (June 1978), H\\xfcsker D\\xfc T-shirt, mayonnaise.

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The Scott Roll: pantyhose, glossy photograph of Harry Anderson, mayonnaise.

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The Adam Roll: nunchucks, B\\u266ddim7 chord, mayonnaise.

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Also: Sushi DMV, pupu platter, Tuna Corn Mayonnaise, kiwanis roll, the Andrew Jackson with extra hickory, two types of foreigner, $50 squid, lobster drag, dinner theater, is it vegetarian if she throws it away, Tevas, “My mussel’s name is Sandy,” ma, the jute chewers, churn for a living, Andie MacDowell and a Sofia Mini.

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Listed in: Comedy

Episode 39: Razzledazzle

Published: March 7, 2012, 6 a.m.
Duration: 35 minutes 15 seconds

Listed in: Comedy

Episode 38: That's Babies

Published: Nov. 3, 2010, 4:15 p.m.
Duration: 41 minutes 37 seconds \\n
\\nBaby bus driver!
\\nBaby hobo!
\\nIncredible babies
\\nGo babies go!
\\n\\n\\n

Also: No thanks twins, Paregoric, Whaddaburger, Pacific Rims, airplane cures, can you pause it, toy robot, the miracle of childbirth, tubs, dilation-related study materials, music jokes.

\\n\\n

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Listed in: Comedy

Episode 37: The Magic Number

Published: May 19, 2010, 8 a.m.
Duration: 34 minutes 6 seconds

Listed in: Comedy

Episode 36: Bubbles

Published: Feb. 9, 2010, 6 a.m.
Duration: 41 minutes 42 seconds Items for sale include memorabilia and other items related to the sellers’ childhoods, including:

\\n\\n

Butterfly knives
Player piano rolls
Several boxes of generic LEGO clone called MARGO
Autographed photo of Ira Glass
Autographed photo of Pete Rose (same signature as above)
Museum-quality collection of antique popcorn poppers
Nail parings
Inspirational poster, “CHANGE”
250 copies of self-published book, “The Annotated Penthouse Letters”
…and much more

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PAYMENT MAY BE MADE IN THE FORM OF DOLLARS, YUAN, FLOOZ, OR COMPLIMENTS THAT SOUND LIKE YOU MEAN IT.

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DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH SELLERS, THEY’RE STILL PRETTY SAD ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING

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Photo: Boxed-in, by patries71

\\nTLJ Bizcard by JasPer

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Listed in: Comedy

Episode 35: The Sake Period

Published: Dec. 4, 2009, 3 p.m.
Duration: 29 minutes 41 seconds

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It is the recommendation of this Coolness Officer that Subject be allowed to re-apply to the Board not less then two (2) years from now, or after the cessation of puberty, whichever is soonest.

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APPLICATION STATUS: DENIED (UNCOOL)

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ASSOCIATED MEDIA:

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cyber goth dreads
\\nEnter the Dragon mirror scene
\\nHey Baby by Bruce Channel
\\nSad Eyes by Robert John
\\nInfinity by Journey

\\n\\n

PHOTOS:
Merlin Mann (top), Wikia (bottom)

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Listed in: Comedy

Episode 34: In Congrefs

Published: Oct. 9, 2009, midnight
Duration: 32 minutes 51 seconds

Listed in: Comedy

Episode 33: Breakin' In

Published: Sept. 16, 2009, 11 p.m.
Duration: 43 minutes 11 seconds

Listed in: Comedy

Episode 32: The Good Part

Published: July 30, 2009, 10 p.m.
Duration: 31 minutes 6 seconds

Listed in: Comedy

Episode 31: Lonely Polisher

Published: May 22, 2009, 10 p.m.
Duration: 41 minutes 18 seconds

Listed in: Comedy

Episode 30: Angry Captain

Published: May 6, 2009, 10 p.m.
Duration: 34 minutes 30 seconds

\\n\\n

RIFFLES
\\nDetective Cabintire.

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CABINTIRE
\\n(Sneering)
\\nYes … sir.

\\n\\n

RIFFLES
\\nWould you mind telling me what this is?

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(Riffles holds up a bloodied yoga mat.)

\\n\\n

CABINTIRE
\\nI believe they call that “evidence” in the police business, sir.

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RIFFLES
\\nThey might have called it that. Before you took it home and wiped your Downward-facing Dogs all over it for a few weeks. What were you thinking?

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FLEECE
\\nGoddammit, man! You’re crazy! I did NOT leave Langley for this bullshit!

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CABINTIRE
\\nWhy let a perfectly good yoga mat go to waste? Keep your panties on, Captain.

\\n\\n

(Cabintire hands Riffles a pair of lace panties.)

\\n\\n

FLEECE
\\nWhere you get all these panties from, man?

\\n\\n

CABINTIRE
\\nOh, these? They’re a gift from my aunt. My Aunt YOUR MOM.

\\n\\n

(The phone rings.)

\\n\\n

RIFFLES
\\nYeah? Oh Jesus. (Hangs up phone.) We got another guy on the roof, over on 72nd & Waldorf.

\\n\\n

FLEECE
\\nWho? A jumper?

\\n\\n

CABINTIRE
\\nNo. A fiddler.

\\n\\n

RIFFLES
\\nHow’d you know that, Cabintire?

\\n\\n

CABINTIRE
\\nNO TIME. Get in my Vanagon, I’ll explain on the way.

\\n\\n

ONE MORE THING: In the episode Adam briefly mentions Birdhouse, his new iPhone app. Although YLNT officially endorses BirdBath Pro Lite\\u2122 as our Twitter app of choice, we must admit that we greatly prefer Birdhouse. Learn more, watch the video, and buy the thing already:

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http://birdhouseapp.com/

\\n\\n

If you love him you will buy it. Do you hate him? Is that why you’re still reading this? Wow, I’ll let him know. I’ll let him know you made your point, loud and clear, pal. But don’t be surprised if, late tonight, you get a call from Detective Cabintire, wondering where his whiskey money is. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

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Listed in: Comedy

Episode 29: Vachina

Published: March 26, 2009, 9 p.m.
Duration: 49 minutes 15 seconds

Listed in: Comedy

Episode 28: OPNWDE

Published: Feb. 18, 2009, 5 p.m.
Duration: 24 minutes 9 seconds

Listed in: Comedy

Episode 27: Christmas Is Near

Published: Feb. 3, 2009, 8 p.m.
Duration: 30 minutes 27 seconds

Listed in: Comedy

Episode 26: Nickelpuss

Published: Dec. 10, 2008, 11 p.m.
Duration: 38 minutes 48 seconds

\\n\\n

Also: New directions in car horn technology, why does Adam’s car smell so good?, “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”: A Synopsis, secular bands, paper swords, ad hoc ninjascapades, what’s on your wall.\\n

\\nPhoto: Bowling

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Listed in: Comedy

Episode 25: Faire du camping

Published: Dec. 3, 2008, 8 a.m.
Duration: 26 minutes 55 seconds \\n

\\nOriginal photo by Pete Ryan. (We modified it.)

Special Guests: John Hodgman and Jonathan Coulton.

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Listed in: Comedy

Episode 24: Faux Tog

Published: Nov. 24, 2008, 8 a.m.
Duration: 32 minutes 22 seconds \\n\\n

Photo by frozenmeat (detail)

Special Guests: John Hodgman and Jonathan Coulton.

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Listed in: Comedy

Episode 23: Selfish Express

Published: Nov. 13, 2008, 4 p.m.
Duration: 52 minutes 16 seconds \\nHodgman’s new book is More Information Than You Require. The YLNT Writers’ Retreat recently purchased 22 copies, one for each bathroom on the estate. The inmates\\u2014sorry, the “writers in residence”\\u2014seem to be enjoying it very much.

\\n\\n

UPDATE: If you enjoyed this episode, you might like to learn more about how we made it. Check out the production journal.

\\n\\n

Photo by Ryan Carver (detail). Check out his other great photos from that day here.

Special Guests: John Hodgman and Jonathan Coulton.

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Listed in: Comedy

Episode 22: Who Voted?

Published: Oct. 28, 2008, 5 p.m.
Duration: 36 minutes 56 seconds \\n\\n

Also: Rappy pants and dentures, hats of the Seduction Community, Pascal’s voting wager (Vote for Adam’s dad). No ice cream for the handicapable. After two it’s quote unquote “me”. Love in a voting booth, medieval jewelry vis-\\xe0-vis Hypercolor, Adam’s hypnotic sexytime, and push presents.

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*”Thousands”: from the Greek, meaning “zero.”

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Photo by RS_Joe (detail).

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Listed in: Comedy

Episode 21: Mr. Owl

Published: Oct. 16, 2008, 10 p.m.
Duration: 45 minutes 30 seconds \\n\\n

Photo: Jorge Luis Borges Coin by TheAlieness GiselaGiardino\\xb2\\xb3

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Listed in: Comedy

Episode 20: Transitions

Published: Oct. 9, 2008, 4 a.m.
Duration: 28 minutes 56 seconds \\nAlso:

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Changin’ gears, basic stranger strategy, Adam eats alone, the Sultan of Awkward gives wisdom, pick fruit from your neighbor’s tree, fortune cookie photomat, our new sponsor, that Al Roker, it’s a conversation.

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Photo: over used by DanielJames

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Listed in: Comedy

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Listed in: Comedy